live in the moment or for the future?
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live in the moment or for the future?
| Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:34pm |
Hi, this message will be long, but I need your help. I began dating a friend of a frienda bout 6 weeks ago. He's a wonderful guy. Everything I want in a man. Well, he told me from date one that he was not looking for anything serious, but that he wouldn't necessarily push it away if it turned out that way. Well, I accepted that and we've been having a great time together. I somehow always figured he'd come around anyway, however, because he's 28 and his friends are all starting to settle down (though he lives with 3 single men. He calls me at least 3 times a week, asks me out at least once a week, and even saw me twice in a row this past weekend. The dilema is this: On Valentine's day after we attended a wedding, we began having a late night talk. He ended up telling me that he felt like I sometimes felt uncomfortable around him; like he didn't put me at ease. I said that it may be somewhat true and that it may be because I don't know how he feels and I know about his wanting to stay single at the moment (something he says he knows is a phase). I'm just trying too hard to impress him rather than being myself. He then said that he wasn't planning on talking about this at all, but that perhaps we should consider cutting all ties because of the way the situations was. He gave this suggestion as an option and said that he had no problem continuing along as we were, but that he felt like it was not right for me. He asked me my opinion on the matter, and I felt like I had to just agree ( I thought I looked like a doormat if I said that I'd continue in a relationship that possibly has no hope of a future). Well, now I feel as though I've made a huge mistake and wrote him an email telling him that I wondered if we could just continue to date without me hoping for a future serious relationship. I have a great time with him and love our conversations. Is it a good idea for me to continue seeing someone who has made it clear that it probably won't go anywhere? I may get hurt in the end, but I feel like even if there is the slightest chance that it could go somewhere, I have to take it. I even think that I'll be more at ease if I see him now with the thought in my head that no matter what I do won't matter so I can be myself. I didn't feel this way until now because I really just figured he'd come around. Now I don't think that, but wonder if it's a good idea to just date him for the pure enjoyment of it. I would continue to date other men as well of course (I even have a date tonight). What is your opinion on the matter? Is it better to have fun in the moment and possibly be very hurt (I'm obviously a bit hurt now anyway) or cut ties because there will likely be no future? He may not even be willing to continue dating me at this point anyway after the decision had already been made, but just in case, I'd love your opinion.

Don't play with fire. He's telling you upfront that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you, believe him.
When you have a friends with benefits sort of relationship, you are friends and you have sex, but you're not in love with each other, you don't have a crush on each other. That's why continuing with this guy is not going to work out for you. You will never be happy for him if he meets someone that he wants to have a commited relationship with...you'll be putting off meeting someone really special for yourself because you are giving him so much of your time. He's not of consequence to your future...don't waste any more time on him.
You have all of my love. Either choice is not easy.
I completely see what you are saying. I promise not to complain about being used if I do take that path, though. . . I know that whatever happens is ALL my own fault if I continue to see him.
Don't feel down on yourself if he doesn't want anything serious with you. The more you let him hang around, the more you are going to hang onto your illusions of a future with him. Why not cut this one loose and start dating a guy who is *truly* ready to settle down?
Good luck.