live in the moment or for the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
live in the moment or for the future?
10
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:34pm
Hi, this message will be long, but I need your help. I began dating a friend of a frienda bout 6 weeks ago. He's a wonderful guy. Everything I want in a man. Well, he told me from date one that he was not looking for anything serious, but that he wouldn't necessarily push it away if it turned out that way. Well, I accepted that and we've been having a great time together. I somehow always figured he'd come around anyway, however, because he's 28 and his friends are all starting to settle down (though he lives with 3 single men. He calls me at least 3 times a week, asks me out at least once a week, and even saw me twice in a row this past weekend. The dilema is this: On Valentine's day after we attended a wedding, we began having a late night talk. He ended up telling me that he felt like I sometimes felt uncomfortable around him; like he didn't put me at ease. I said that it may be somewhat true and that it may be because I don't know how he feels and I know about his wanting to stay single at the moment (something he says he knows is a phase). I'm just trying too hard to impress him rather than being myself. He then said that he wasn't planning on talking about this at all, but that perhaps we should consider cutting all ties because of the way the situations was. He gave this suggestion as an option and said that he had no problem continuing along as we were, but that he felt like it was not right for me. He asked me my opinion on the matter, and I felt like I had to just agree ( I thought I looked like a doormat if I said that I'd continue in a relationship that possibly has no hope of a future). Well, now I feel as though I've made a huge mistake and wrote him an email telling him that I wondered if we could just continue to date without me hoping for a future serious relationship. I have a great time with him and love our conversations. Is it a good idea for me to continue seeing someone who has made it clear that it probably won't go anywhere? I may get hurt in the end, but I feel like even if there is the slightest chance that it could go somewhere, I have to take it. I even think that I'll be more at ease if I see him now with the thought in my head that no matter what I do won't matter so I can be myself. I didn't feel this way until now because I really just figured he'd come around. Now I don't think that, but wonder if it's a good idea to just date him for the pure enjoyment of it. I would continue to date other men as well of course (I even have a date tonight). What is your opinion on the matter? Is it better to have fun in the moment and possibly be very hurt (I'm obviously a bit hurt now anyway) or cut ties because there will likely be no future? He may not even be willing to continue dating me at this point anyway after the decision had already been made, but just in case, I'd love your opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:48pm
right. Are you going to come back and complain to everyone how you were used for sex? Because that is what he's offering you, sex and fun, but no commitment, no relationship. You are only six weeks into this...you are falling in love, confusing sex with love even? but you are not in love with this guy. You don't know him well enough for that.

Don't play with fire. He's telling you upfront that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you, believe him.

When you have a friends with benefits sort of relationship, you are friends and you have sex, but you're not in love with each other, you don't have a crush on each other. That's why continuing with this guy is not going to work out for you. You will never be happy for him if he meets someone that he wants to have a commited relationship with...you'll be putting off meeting someone really special for yourself because you are giving him so much of your time. He's not of consequence to your future...don't waste any more time on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:50pm
This is one tough judgement call, girl. I just had to make this one for myself a couple of weeks ago, with a situation very similar to yours. Me, I chose to let go. Now I wonder if I made the right choice. Then I remember that I don't want someone who doesn't want me, even if it is him.

You have all of my love. Either choice is not easy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:53pm
Thanks Princess! I really feel like I'll always wonder if I don't go for it, but I'm gonna check out all the replies to see what the general feeling is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:57pm
Thanks downbythebay,

I completely see what you are saying. I promise not to complain about being used if I do take that path, though. . . I know that whatever happens is ALL my own fault if I continue to see him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 3:20pm
I know every situation is different, but I went through something VERY similar a couple years ago. Basically I had someone who told me VERY early on that he wasnt interested in anything serious. I kept dating him, and started to assume that I had changed his mind. He was giving signals that I interpreted as though things were going to progress. He even told me that I was the most incredible woman he had ever met, and that he wished he would have found me sooner, because I was so wonderful. Slowly, I began to block out the part of my brain that stored the "I dont want anything serious" conversation. Sure enough, I fell head over heels for him. I was SHOCKED when he broke up with me saying, "I told you I didn't want to do a serious relationship." I was heartbroken, but in the end, as deceptive as his actions might have been, I was to blame. I knew the rules at the beginning. Good luck!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 3:50pm
In your case if you dated just for the fun of it you'd be lying to yourself about your real motives.
Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 4:21pm
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE that us women make is that sometimes we DON'T listen, and end up getting hurt. Look, this guy is telling you plain as day that he does not want anything serious, and he is well entitled to feel that way. He doesn't have to want what you want. He is being up front and honest, take that as a blessing.

Don't feel down on yourself if he doesn't want anything serious with you. The more you let him hang around, the more you are going to hang onto your illusions of a future with him. Why not cut this one loose and start dating a guy who is *truly* ready to settle down?

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:58pm
Get out now. I did that three years ago and indeed we had fun. I fell in love and he walked away when he was ready to go. Sad thing was that I realized he wasn't in love with me when I woke up next to him one morning ready to say I love you...he must have recognized the look because he jumped up and we ended soon afterward. Men know if they want to pursue you for the long haul or not. It's only been six weeks with this guy. I stayed 8 months. His next relationship, they met and she moved in. It didn't take eight months for her to move in. He's telling you the truth. Take his words seriously don't interject what you want to hear and move no further because you'll set yourself up for the worst kind of disappointment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:40pm
Thanks to everyone who responded. I know that you are all right. He called me late last night and we talked. We decided that we won't continue to have this dead end relationship and that we'll keep in touch on a friendly level every now and again. I'm very dissappointed that this seemingly perfect for me guy doesn't feel the same way baout me, but I know in the end that as perfect as he seems, he clearly isn't if he doesn't feel the same way about me. THanks for your responses. . . they helped more than you know! By the way, the date I mentioned in my first message with another guy was last night. . . nice guy but no chemistry. I found myself wanting to tell him that I wasn't looking for a relationship right now. LOL I guess that right there answered all of my questions as well. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:29pm
Congrats on saving yourself A LOT of future hurt. I know it seems like you are giving up the perfect guy, but trust me when I say the perfect guy would want you too. :) I went through the same sad situation a couple years ago, and when he broke things off I thought my world was ruined. I have since met a WONDERFUL guy and we are on the same page with what we want. Good luck with the dating scene. :)