Advice Please on this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Advice Please on this guy?
21
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:46pm
To make a long story short, I dated this guy for a few weeks it went really fast (we weren't intimate) but spent way too much time together. I should have known the red flags were there... just got out of a 2 year relationship 5 months ago. Well, things were good then he dumped me just like that said he couldn't see me anymore. I was hurt. Well I saw him a few weeks when classes started and he was so excited to see me. He told me that he got scared that is why and that he can't move forward without lettin the past go, so he wants to just take it slow and see if a relationship happens in the future. Well we talk everyday now, to see how our days went and see each other about twice a week, at the bars and we spent V-day together.. he cooked dinner and brought me wine. One night at the bars I was drunk and we were making out and I told him that I wanted to "be" with him. I like this guy so much.. Then he told me he wanted to be with me too.. except that he doesn't want to hurt me so that it isn't a good idea. He wants to make sure things are right between us first and IF we do have sex he wants it to be meaningful and special with me. I'm pretty sure he isn't dating anyone else.. but I honestly don't know. Do you think what he said was truthful or he doesn't want to have sex with me? I like him alot and I'm pretty sure he likes me too.. i can tell by the way he holds my hand and kisses me. He knows my friends.. and I know his..Since we had a relationship, it ended and now we're takin it slow.. how do I know where we stand? Our we dating? Should I ask him or not cuz I don't want to scare him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:28pm
Meliss -

Taking it slow is a very good idea. It's a matter of fact that yes, guys get scared and yes, they also lie. It sounds to me that using the "I don't want to hurt you" excuse to avoid commitment may be exactly that - an excuse. I don't doubt that he was scared the first time when he dropped you like a hot plate - which wasn't at all cool - but men are insecure creatures. "I don't want to hurt you" may be more effectively read as - "I don't want to fail again." MEN HATE FAILURE!

I definitely know how hard it is to really like someone and not be able to tell them just how much because you're afraid of how they'll react. If I were you, I wouldn't ask him if he's dating anyone else - unless you guys have agreed to be exclusive, that's his right and you asking about other girls may be a serious scare-off for him. But if you find out he is and it really bothers you, talk to him about it - you may find out you don't like him as much as you thought.

It sounds like you have it really bad for this guy - and that's okay. Try and think about what you like best about him and if it's worth all this trouble for you. What is it about him that's so attractive to you? If it's just his pouty lips and designer wardrobe, you may want to reconsider. Not to say that it is, I'm just playing devil's advocate here.

Finally, try your best to keep it real and not see everything through rose colored glasses. It's really, really easy to overlook unacceptable behavior from a guy when you're really into him. You sound like a nice girl and I hope he treats you right and really does like you. You also sound younger than 25 - so there's no rush to find Mr. Wonderful! You have all the time in the world. I hope this helps. :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:17pm
hello there,

Im a guy and I just wanted to post something from my point of view.

I am currently experiencing a somewhat similar interaction with a woman. Although we are older than you are. I am 28yo and she is 26yo. Anyways, she is "keeping me at arms length" so we only date occassionally; about once per month. Occasionally we email eachother, we don't call eachother much. Her justification is that she is uncertain about where she wants to live and "settle down" and she was hurt really bad in the past with a man she tried to convince to get married and have kids, until he called her while intoxicated to criticize her. His wimpy way of telling her he was uninterested. So she ended it 10 months ago. I am not sure how long that lasted, but at least 2 years.

Now, I made a serious blunder, (due to not being in the dating scene after a 2yr LTR), I told her that I wasn't dating anyone else yadda yadda and that I wounldn't. She told me she wasn't dating anyone else yadda yadda. And this is the pace she wants...occassionaly dating. She even told me flat out that she wasn't playing games.

Nevertheless, its been a two weeks since we've been in contact. I have rescinded my decision not to date anyone else, and have dated another girl last week, and may date a third this week. The benefit of this, is that it has grounded my feelings and made me more objective about things. Could this girl be lying to me? Sure. Could this girl really be at a "transitional" time in her life and wants to settle from the old LTR and decide where she wants to live (she seems very marriage minded)? Sure. People can lie and be hiding things. Some people just lack integrity and will do anything to avoid coming out and telling the truth to someone when they know it will hurt someone. In my last LTR, I knew for about 5 months that I wanted to end it, but for some reason (guilt, fear, etc.) I couldn't cut the chord.

I would suggest to you, to date other guys, and lower your expectations of this man. It will help level your head and protect your heart.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:56am

Hey jman! Some excellent advice and good ideas.


I'm just curious though, you said: "I told her that I wasn't dating anyone else yadda yadda and that I wounldn't." You referred to that as a "serious blunder".

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:05pm
Thanks to all for your advice.. Yeah, we are taking it slow. I care about him alot.. I mean he wouldn't call me everyday and vice versa if he didn't right? And he always calls to say goodnight and sweetdreams. If I see him on campus, we'll stop and chat and he'll hold my hand. I think he really is scared and doesn't know what he wants. And the fact that he wants to wait to see if it's right.. doesn't that make him a gentleman? Now jman...you see this girl once a month? Your both not dating other people... but now you are.. does she know that? See, that's where I get confused. If you are dating.. should u tell that someone your dating others or no? I don't really like anybody except for this guy you know. I don't know if he likes anybody else.. on the weekends we'll hang out and see each other at the bar, kiss and dance.. Everyone is always staring lol cuz its like this tradition :) We just hold each other and kiss for hours. Now he obviously likes me right? Well let me know other opinions as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:17pm

Here's something to think about... if he is spending all of his time with you it's a pretty safe bet that he isn't spending time with someone else. Right?


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:30pm
I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, yes you are dating and you don't need to ask him that question. But understand that dating doesn't automatically mean you are in a committed relationship or that it will result in that. Dating is the time when you are getting to know a person well enough to make that mutual decision. And I think that takes more than a few weeks.

Second, he dumped you previously and apparently regretted his decision. You are willing to give it another try, and it sounds like he is approaching it wisely by taking it slow. You need to slow down too and hold off from encouraging him to have sex with you until you are BOTH sure you want a more serious relationship. Are you not the least bit concerned that he might disappear again, especially since he has expressed his that he is not certain what he wants?

His wanting to wait for sex for the reason he has given you is not a sign that he is not attracted to you, but don't make the mistake of thinking that sex equates to love or even sincere affection. If I were you I'd tone down the length and frequency of those make-out sessions as well. Spend more time conversing than kissing because that's how you get to know each other well. Passionate kissing only increases sexual desire, not emotional closeness, or at least not until love has already been established.

Third, you are under no obligation to tell the people you date that you are dating others. Be honest if asked, but you don't need to make a declaration. It should be assumed that you are each dating others until you agree to exclusivity. Again, it takes time to know if you are right for each other. Although you are not interested in any other particular guy at the moment, be open to it should someone cross your path and is interested in you.

Finally, I do think your guy is a gentleman by refraining from having sex with you at this time. It shows respect for you and your feelings and awareness of his own uncertainty. It would be far worse if he agreed to sex and kept his uncertainty hidden from you. Far too many guys would opt for that so be glad he is being honest with you. It allows you to make decisions for yourself based on reality rather than what you wish for. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:34pm
That is some good advice you all give... thanks! I am taking it slow, but I admit I am emotionally attached already (it's been 2 months now). We talk everyday on the phone to see how our days were and stuff like that.. but I seem like we aren't gettin anywhere :( I was hoping he would ask me out for this week to do something but he hasn't .. I know he's tight on money but..I just wonder if he is dating other so I know? He seems happy to talk to me though and he ends our conversations with "goodnight and sweetdreams". What are the signs he's dating others without me having to ask? I remember last Friday I was drunk and he was too and I called him because I wanted to see him. He had to work early the next day but he said that he would go to the bar, meet me and dance with me for awhile.. which meant alot to me. His friends were even up from his hometown for the weekend cuz he invited me and my friends to come and hang out.. and he sees me.. this must mean he likes me right? But how come it seems like I have to initiate us to do something and not him? Shouldn't it be the other way around? But if I was just a friend to him...he wouldn't call me every single day and kiss me when he sees me right? Sorry I just haven't really dated in awhile and I want to know what is the normal pace. How come he calls every day but doesn't really make plans? Is this normal when your dating a guy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:18pm
meliss:

I didn't realize that the two of you were calling eachother everyday and hangning out alot. Then I would say that it is safe to assume he is probably not seeing anyone else. That makes my analogy totally irreleveant.

My situation is a very confused one. The girl is confused about what and where she wants to be, and I am thusly becoming confused about what I should do. In fact, just totally ignore my post because it is definitely a strange work in progress. I also have some "baggage" from the past, where I girl I fell deeply for, actually had a boyfriend the whole time and never told me. THey were very serious, but she was using me as a contingency and tool to get back at him. She strung me along for about 5 months and it absolutely tore my heart out. It was a long time ago, but occassionaly those feeling resurface as it take it amazingly slow with this girl....anyways, enough of my ramblings.

Good luck with your situation, as it seems it will probably work out for you!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:25pm
Yes, he should be initiating dates with you, not just calling you to chat. That detail wasn't clear in your original post. Money may be an issue for him, but there are lots of free or low cost things to do. I suggest you stop initiating, and stop being available to talk every day. If he misses you enough and wants to see you, he'll ask you out. If he doesn't initiate after a couple of weeks, then it's a sign that he's not that into you and you will be better off knowing sooner rather than later. It doesn't matter whether or not he is dating anyone else. It only matters that you are doing all the asking for dates. It's human nature to value the things you must work for, and he is not making any real effort to have you in his life - you are making it way too easy for him. Please don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call, or wait too long for him to ask you out in advance for a real date - get out there and try to date other guys because you're getting in too deep without real reciprocation from him. And you should ease off on the drinking. No offense, but it seems to be clouding your thinking and giving you excuses to behave in ways that, deep inside, you know are foolish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:36am
I don't think your perspective is irrelevant to the OP's situation. I think you had some wise advice for the OP - as in date other guys and stop putting all her eggs in a solitary basket with a weak foundation. The woman you spoke of in your analogy is coming from a place of uncertainty just as the guy she is dating. I'm glad that you see the reality of your own situation and that you are dating other women. Chances are that you will meet a wonderful woman who is right for you, and wants the same thing you want at the same time. When you find her, the ex who used you solely for her own benefit will become a distant, unimportant memory.

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