FINDING OUT HOW MY HUSBUND TRULEY FEELS
Find a Conversation
FINDING OUT HOW MY HUSBUND TRULEY FEELS
| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:45am |
MY HUSBUND AND I HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FOR THREE MONTHS NOW, BUT WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER.BUT I CAN`T SEEM TO GET PAST THE FEELING THAT HE IS STILL HUNG UP ON HIS EX. EVERYTIME WE HAVE A PROBLEM HE RUNS TO HER AND SHE SEEMS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, FEEL THE ONLY TIME THEY SHOULD TALK IF IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THEIR KIDS.MY HUSBUND HAS BEEN IN JAIL A FEW TIMES FOR HITTING ME AND THE VERY LAST TIME WAS WHEN HIS KIDS WERE THERE, HIS EX HAD TO PICK THEM UP. SHE KEPT TELLING ME ALL OF THESE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY HUSBUND BUT WHEN SHE TALKED TO HIM ALL SHE DID WAS ACT LIKE SHE WAS ON HIS SIDE AND WAS TELLING HIM THINGS THAT I SAID THAT WERE NOT TRUE. I JUST DON`T UNDERSTAND, WHY WOULD HE RUN TO A WOMEN THAT HE HAS ALWAYS SAID RUINED HIS LIFE, 12 YEARS AGO SHE HAD A SON THAT SHE SAID WAS HIS BUT REALLY WASN`T , SHE PRETTY MUCH JUST LIED TO TRAP HIM, SHE USED HIM TO BUY A HOME TO ONLY SHORTLY AFTER KICK HIM OUT AND MOVE HER NEW BOYFRIEND IN. MY HUSBUND IS STILL PAYING ALMOST HALF OF HIS CHECK TO HER FOR CHILD SUPPORT FOR 3 CHILDREN AND THE ONE THAT IS NOT HIS, SHE IS A NURSE AND MAKES ALMOST TWICE AS MUCH AS HE DOES BUT DOESN`T REPORT IT BECAUSE SHE WANT`S HIS MONEY. AND THERE IS SO MUCH MORE. SO PLEASE TELL ME HOW CAN HE FORGET ALL THIS AND STILL RUN TO HER. WHEN WERE FINE THEN HE CAN`T STAND HER, BUT WHEN WERE FIGHTING HE ACTS LIKE SHE IS HIS BESTFRIEND AND I`M THE ONE RUINING HIS LIFE. AND HE GETS MAD EVERYTIME I BRING HER UP, HE SAYS I CAN`T GET OVER HER AND THAT IT`S ALL IN MY HEAD. THIS IS A WOMEN THAT HE CONSTANTLY CHEATED ON BECAUSE HE WASN`T HAPPY WITH HER AND A WOMEN THAT HE WAS WITH FOR 10 YEARS BUT NEVER WANTED TO MARRY, I JUST DON`T UNDERSTAND. NOW EVERYTHING I SAY ABOUT HER HE ALWAYS HAS SOME COME BACK AND USUALLY IT`S ALWAYS I`M WORSE THEN SHE IS. IS HE DOING THIS BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT HURTS ME? PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET TROUGH TO MY HUSBUND AND LET HIM KNOW HOW I FEEL ON THE SUBJECT WITHOUT HIM GETTING ANGRY AND DEFENSIVE. HE MARRIED ME AND NOT HER, DOES THAT SAY ANYTHING? HOW DO I GET MY HUSBUND TO START CHASING ME AGAIN AND HOW DO I GET MY HUSBUND TO REALIZE THAT HE DOES REALLY LOVE ME IF HE TRUELY DOES.

a small opinion:
never let anyone hit you.
let him know it is not someting you deserve and you deserve better.
if you beleive he will do it again, leave.
***** write it all down ******
if you are unsure how you feel today, print out the original e-mail you submitted and hand it to him. It wouldn’t hurt to print out some responses you liked if you feel you want to.
Sometimes when we talk, we go back and forth (with a kind of "critical ball play") Its hard enough to say things that are bothering us or we find hurtful, but when the other is feeling defensive (due to they think you are trying to blame them for the problem) they make comments to defend there side, then you do the same and before you know it, you both have stopped listening and are now arguing opposing sides and it can become an emotional war.
Giving someone our feelings on paper can make you feel venerable but has quite a few pluses; one, is that you have time to clear your head (don’t think you have to make a flow of things....just brainstorm it out first -then place them in the order you feel you wish to address them)....two, the other person is not making comments while you are talking/thinking, which can get you off track and into an argument. and three, sometimes we find we lack the courage to say something we feel to someone even when we need to say it, even if the other needs to know. When you have tried to "talk it out" and it doesn’t work, the next best thing is to "write it out". when he reads the letter you wrote him, he will be forced to listen to your thoughts with out interrupting and with out having that critical ball play that can disrupt your intentions and the outcome.
An issue that may come up is if he refuses the letter and tells you he will not read it.
If he is reluctant to read the letter, simply state this in a firm but loving way, “ I have taken the time to write these things down I feel you need to know. I would like you to at least take the time to read it.” If time is an issue, try to make sure you give it to him at a time that he can read it and talk with you. If you give him the letter not knowing he hasn’t the time to read and reply, tell him to read it when he can and you would like to talk about it later ( so you can know how he feels too).
I could give opinion on what I think about his behavior, and also about your continuing part in it all. But I believe my opinion will be bias and only an opinion that will help neither of you in the end. Relationships that have ongoing issues with “ex’s” are complex and very difficult to deal with at times even in the best of circumstances.
But, I will say, you do need to address the issue --- it will not go away and you will remain feeling the way you do with the only outlet ---complaining about it…and not solving anything. I know, we all do it. When stuck in a rut we don’t like every one of us do this. Even when we know we are doing it too! I do it and when I recognize I am not helping neither myself nor the other person, and that the situation is not going to change on its own, I take action.
Only you will know what to do.
Best of luck to you,
Ryan’s Mom