I slapped him - very long post, sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I slapped him - very long post, sorry
53
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:55am
Girls, I slapped my now exbf of two months on valentine's day night and I need some feedback on this whole incident. I've never hit any man before really and I have some mixed feelings about what I did because I never thought hitting was justified in any way. I'm not the type of woman who loses her presence of mind, not usually. But this was different and we broke up after this evening.

Please bear with my long post, I want to be clear about why I did this.

My exbf often gets himself worked up about things and then blows up at me later... He's driven erratically when angry before and he knew it was a huge problem for me - I get very nervous when stuck in a moving car with a man who's angry - it scares me. I was very clear about this when it happened the first time.

Let me say first that I was not in the best frame of mind on valentine's day because I had a horrendously emotional day with my mom who is dying... he knew this... he knew I just wanted and needed a nice time out.

We had my dog in the car after exchanging valentine's day gifts and in heavy traffic driving 80+ mph I started getting nervous and kept asking him to slow down and be careful. He didn't. I asked again and again and told him I was nervous and getting scared and he didn't. One car flew past us, I saw a truck veer out of its lane, and my bf was driving with one hand and not always staying in his lane. At one point he accelerated to 90 mph to pass another vehicle and I could feel my adrenaline and panic. I sat there so worried that we'd crash and die... all I wanted was for him to slow down. I don't know why he didn't slow down and drive more carefully. Was I a nag? I don't know... I was getting very freaked out by the whole thing situation. I didn't understand why he couldn't just slow down.

I started asking more insistently that he slow down and he snapped at me for telling him how to drive and we spent the rest of the 80+ mph drive in silence until our exit.

Once we got off our exit and were on back industrial roads where we drove much slower, I asked him what was wrong and why he was being so quiet and he started in on me - criticizing our relationship, etc. All the while he's doing this he was still driving and getting more and more angry and bitter...

He went from telling me how much he loves me to telling me how awful he thinks our relationship is and how uncomfortable he is and confused and he started giving me ALL kinds of examples as to what's wrong with me and why he's so disappointed that I'm not what he wants afterall. It went on and on and on and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He essentially was working himself up into a jealous rage.

Now all this was fine with me... I have enough emotional stuff going on and if he wanted to stop seeing me - fine. My issue is that he kept driving and getting more angry and being erratic. He was hitting the wheel, spewing out more and more of his "honest" opinions of me... all negative. Some accusing questions about my past, some pleas of love for me, some just plain mean.

I literally had to keep asking him to please calm down and I finally just started bawling my eyes out from the stress of being trapped in the car with him after the terrifying drive there and the idea of driving back when he was even worse off emotionally was not an option for me. I didn't have my cell phone with me that night, either, so I felt stranded.

Then something was said (i don't even remember who said it) and he flipped out. Started gunning the engine and yelling at me that he was taking me home and that was the end of it.

Fine, I said, but you're not getting me back on the highway with you when you're this pissed off and worked up - it's not safe. Please stop the car.

The following happened in the span of a few seconds...

Even though we were only going 30mph and no other cars were around (it was in a dark, industrial area, he refused to calm down or stop the car. I finally lost it and started yelling at him to stop driving and when I tried to take the wheel and get us over to the side, he pushed me away and screamed at me to never touch the wheel and he kept driving - intent on getting back on the highway. My dog was shaking and I was damn near hysterical, no kidding. My stress levels went through the freakin' roof and there was no logic or reason I could use to get him to stop his tirade.

So while he was trying to push me off and continue driving, I slapped him and told him to "stop this car right now before you kill all of us - I refuse to allow you to get on the highway again."

By this point, his "issues" with his work stress and school stress and "inability of me to be the woman he wants stress" became secondary -- all I cared about was that we not get on a highway to drive 80 mph again when I knew he was emotionally out of control.

I hit him real hard and he called me a f-ing b*tch and to never hit him ever again. I told him I was sorry to have hit him and that I would again if I ever felt he was unnecessarily putting my life in danger - and the life of my pet... and his, etc.

He was still intent on driving but I wouldn't let go of the wheel.

Then we pulled over and we sat in the car and I listened to him ask me to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. He asked me why I wanted him. He told me I didn't act like I wanted to be with him on valentine's day and that I should prove to him that I wanted to. He continued with some of his personal insults... then he calmed down and after a while he drove me home.

We broke up after this...

Girls, I couldn't allow myself to get back on the highway again, I just couldn't. He had already scared the bejesus out of me.

He KNEW I was scared and he wouldn't listen - it was like he reveled in me being panicked.

He knows that I can't stand being in a car with an angry man who has lost self-control.

What would you have done? What could I have done besides slapping him?

I don't believe I regret hitting him. I can honestly say as a woman alone with an angry man that I was going to do anything to avoid that 80+mph insanity again.

I felt he would have put my safety in jeopardy had he driven and I have too many people who need me and love me for me to let that happen. It was like I was driven by pure survival instincts. The whole time with him was totally insane.

Thank you for reading.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:25am

Hello bawitdaba, good to see you here again (although not necessarily under these circumstances!)


While I don't condone physically striking anyone it does happen at times when one is forced to a position of difusing a volatile situation. The fact that it was done out of anger, in this case is quite understandable.


For one to act recklessly and irresponsibly while jeapordizing another is, in my opinion, not only using bad jusgement but showing a total lack of respect.


And, unless I am mistaken, driving 80 mph is speeding in which case he has no regard for the speed limit or for methods of safe driving.


No, I suspect that there was more to this in his mind and when you merely asked him to slow down his mind heard criticism for his driving abilities. And, I can venture to guess that this man does not like criticism at all.


I think you probably did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. If he wasn't interested in protecting you then you had to take the responsibility and you did. Not a thing in the world wrong with that.


Now, as for him being your exbf - good decision.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:16am
thank you for understanding, terry. he wasn't about to stop the car to calm himself down no matter what i did ...

it was a weird feeling to really hit someone i cared about and who i thought cared for me.

and yes, he probably did think that all i was doing on the drive up was criticizing his driving abilities - therefore his manhood or some such thing.

during the silence after he snapped at me for telling him how to drive, he was probably working himself up into a good "mad". by the time we got off the road, he was ready to say any hurtful thing he could.

he was only in his own head - half the things he said didn't make any sense and he kept demanding that i prove to him that i love him. logic and reason went out the window and then it became a power struggle over not getting on the road again... he had lost his composure, his presence of mind.

it was crazy. totally freaky.

never again.

thank you for your response and validation.







iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:27am

Unh huh, next time you'll drive, right?


I'm glad that you made it out without too many wounds and scars!


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:03am
honey please don't feel bad about this.......

at this state, you have a much more painful case to

deal with now..... i like to say i'm very sorry to hear

your dear mom is dying..... that is far more painful than

slapping him.... for what ever reason, he seem to have

wanted to hurt "YOU" more than you hurt him.... you said he

knew about your mom, and he just kept driving and talking bad

about you.... well, now he can drive dangerously all he wants..

without you there screaming for dear life, scared out of your mind.

this is so sad to hear... and i really feel bad for you...

Valentine's Day is for love and sharing it with love ones

my daughter bought me a beautiful gift and a picture frame

with me hugging her as a small child... it put tears in my

eyes and made me very happy she "LOVES" me, her MOM so much.

take time now to show your MOM how much you love her,

and don't worry yourself about how he feels.....

no i don't think it's ok to hit anyone... but i see

what you wrote how you were pushed to get him to stop.

i will say a prayer for your MOM and i wish you all the best.


BIG HUG....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:07am
It's interesting that you kept asking *him* to calm down, while getting more and more worked up about the whole thing. I just read about all this over at AskMen.com - the ladies here are much nicer than the guys over there! I think, when all is said and done, that I wouldn't really blame you too much for the slap, and that it's a good thing that you are broken up.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:24am
I wasn't there, but it sounds sort of like self defense and not out of uncontrollable anger. But I don't know. What concerns me greatly is why you were with a man for any length of time who had those anger issues - that is something you need to give a lot of thought too, IMHO. In mid January the nice person I was dating became erratic and borderline nasty in some emails - he was upset with me about the status of our relationship and my inability to make definite plans (I was sick with laryngitis/fever and swamped at work) - this change in his demeanor raised a red flag to me - and even though he didn't yell, curse or do more than cross the line that coupled with his then depressive state made me realize I needed to cut him out of my life and I refused to meet with him in person at that time - even in public - all I needed was the doubt for my safety and that was enough for me. If after 2 months of casual dating he acted this way I didn't want to stick around to see what would happen later. Not saying that my approach is the only way but your approach sounds like you stayed with someone who had angry outbursts at you and road rage issues - please don't tell me it was because you loved him - please figure out why so it doesn't happen again.

I am sorry you had this scary experience and I am glad you are ok and that it is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:02am
You are partially to blame for the incidents that took place that night so please try to not put all the blame on him. You insisted on asking him what was wrong, when you knew he was already in a highly agitated state. You slapped him twice it seems that with anyone would send his or her already erratic behavior even further down spiraling out of control. Do you thrive on drama?

I think its good you ended this relationship because neither one of you are good for each other.

Next time someone is driving erratically and you are scared, calmly ask them to pull over, do not slap, yell or act erratic as that would just fuel the anger and make the situation worse, grabbing the wheel when someone is driving is also dangerous. When he pulls over GET OUT and walk to the nearest house….

It sounds to me like you’ve had a tumultuous relationship and although he is very violent and erratic; you share some responsibility…you seem to enjoy the drama. Just get out of it and find someone more appropriate to share your life with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:13am
I have to agree with Lovin_hockey on this one. What were you thinking when you grabbed the wheel?! That just makes the danger all the more great. And slapping him was adding fuel to the fire. I would have kept quiet until we got to a place where I could have gotten out of the car and left, found a phone and called a cab or something. You made the situation worse by your actions. Just my opinion though. I am glad that you all are safe. But I was married to a guy with the same road rage issues that your BF has and the key word here is WAS married. When he got pissed off and started to drive erratically I would immediately close my mouth and get out of the car at the next possible place be it a red light or a stop sign or our destination. That's what you should have done. You just upped the danger level by your actions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:44am
Slow progression....

The relationship in a nutshell...you've never agreed with the values that justified and entitled him to his actions...but you've liked some of the actions he's taken and the feelings it is inspired in you - so you've stuck around.

Tolerating what scares or infuriates you - trying to get to a status quo where prmarily his actions meet your needs and standards and you don't experience emotional unrest.

In a situation of high intensity - just the basic stress of his day, your day, your situation, the pressure of "that stupid holiday".....his values action justified him taking rash actions that put you on edge emotionally and mentally. You responded to that stress edge level - by slapping him. What you wanted to do was "change the situation" - and nothing you've ever done while he's been in an emotionally driven, high stress, lacking in rational thought state has been able to do it. You stepped into territory you'd never go into in a "normal" circumstance - you got physical, because you perceived you were in physical danger if he did not stop that car.

You have just learned why people get blungeoned to death by the person "they love". It is an unhealthy relationship where both parties don't share values and priorities and boundaries and standards - they simply want the good times and good feelings this person has at times inspired to abound. So they remain with someone they don't trust, admire, respect or desire - except in situations of positive nature.

You can't control them, you can't control situations, you can't control opportunities, you can't control their values......at some point there is bound to be a situation that is above and beyond the scope of the "handleable terror" - you're going to react in an emotional way to 'get this to stop/change'...you slapped him.

In lesser circumstances, people have been murdered.

You two are better off not together...you don't share values,s tandards, definitions of a great life or how to achieve it - you very likely agree with little to anything the other does on a fundamental level.

You've simply invested time, energy, money, and intertwined your life with them - and now are desperate to make them be what you want...while enduring the actions their values justify.

This situation just as easily could have been in reverse...and when you did slap him and he stopped the car, he choked you to death.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:48am
What's done is done. You can't change what happened, but I hoped you learned something from all this. I just have a few words of advice for you: When you are in a car with someone who is getting angry/upset, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

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