exclusive but not technically a couple??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
exclusive but not technically a couple??
7
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:56pm
So I've been dating this really incredible guy for two months and its been amazing so far. However, there is a slight age difference of seven years...he's 29 and I'm 22. Its pretty obvious that at 7 years older than I am (and probably 7 years more of relationship experience) he knows what he's doing. I've only been in one serious relationship prior to this, and I haven't dated around too much. Anyhow, my problem is that with this guy that I'm dating right now, I know that I want a relationship, but I don't know how to bring up relationship status. we have discussed that we are seeing each other exclusively. However, what I want is the "Girlfriend/Boyfriend" term and the security of a relationship, and I'm not sure how to go about bringing that up. I feel like we don't have that right now, and we aren't really exclusive until this distinction is made...am I being too technical? The only reason I don't just blurt it out is because I don't want to risk looking ridiculous. I was wondering if anyone had any clever personal advice of how they went about this and what to say and how to say it. anything would be appreciated...thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:33pm
What makes you think that you aren't gf/bf? To me, being exclusive means being someone's gf or bf, because you are not dating others. If he verbally agreed to exclusivity (and monogamy, I hope, which is not the same thing), then IMO you are his gf. Do you feel that you are not fully incorporated into his life (thus, more of a casual dating relationship)? Please explain further.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:49pm
I would say that as long as you are not dating anyone else and neither is he you are his girlfriend. Whether that means long term potential is an unanswered question. I would not assume he has any more experience than you in relationships, btw.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:18pm
You're right, I do feel like its a very casual relationship...to him (even though we see each other almost everyday and talk if we don't see each other and have a healthy relationship). However, its just the technicalities that are getting to me. I guess i can explain it best in an example. Through mutual friends who have asked him what's going on between him and me, they ask him "oh is she your girlfriend then?" and he said, "no, we're just dating." so that confuses me too because, like you said, yes we've agreed to not dating anyone else, it seems like we should have that status, but according to him, we don't. and so i guess in order for me to get that, its like I have to bring it up sometime, and I dont know how to go about doing that. I just want to make sure that I have some commitment and reassurance of his feelings...and I feel like I can get that security through some commitment. I don't know what to do still...i'm still so confused. how do I tell him I want to move it on to the next level (and also say it in a non-threatening sort of way)?

ps...thank you so much for responding back so quickly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:25pm
First of all, please always remember that a healthy relationship that is going to be successful must have open and honest communication. You shouldn't feel afraid of "scaring him off" by bringing this up b/c if he DOES get scared off then your relationship wasn't going anywhere anyway (Mr. Right will not get scared off). If there is an important issue in your mind -- discuss it with him. Whether or not he feels threatened is his issue, not yours. You cannot control how another person feels, thinks or behaves. Bring up the example you stated here (or one that happened recently) and just say you were wondering about it b/c in your mind exclusivity means you're someone's SO (bf/gf). If he actually told someone you were not his gf then I don't blame you for being confused and worried. I would be too b/c being in an exclusive relationship with someone is NOT the same as "just dating" them. To me that sounds like he agreed to exclusivity for the time being, but has his eyes open and is keeping his options open by not calling you his gf. IMO a person who has found what they are looking for in their partner has no problem calling them their gf or bf -- they WANT to. Don't bury your head in the sand on this one. You need to know what's going on. Let us know what happens. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:51am
So, what you're saying is that you've been seeing each other. You've both decided you'll see ONLY the other person and yet he can't tell his friends that he's your boyfriend? That's a shame. It's also, pardon my french, a crock of s***.

The thing about relationships, and good relationships, is that you are allowed to get angry and tell the other person that you are angry. He's giving you mixed signals. If the two of you are "just dating" than that implies that you're also "just dating" others. There's not relationship if you're just dating. So tell him. Tell him, you don't want to just be dating anymore. And if he's not comfortable with that.... well, "just date" other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:58am
Doesn't sound like he and you are on the same page about what you want from one another in this "relationship." I agree that being exclusive is not the equivalent of "just dating" and it seems he is just telling you what you want to hear about the exclusive part. Chances are if someone better (in his opinion) comes along, you'll be history.

I say that b/c someone who feels you're the right person for him would not hesitate to call you his gf. I think you should think twice about settling for a person who is uncomfortable telling people you are his gf. IMO I'd be looking for someone who's eager and enthusiastic about doing so. Someone who's proud to announce it to everyone and wants to shout from the mountaintops that you're his. If you settle for chopped liver, don't expect to wind up with prime rib. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:23pm
I'm in a similar situation with you. My guy of two and a half month and I are exclusively dating but we are not bf-gf. And that's his term. He's also 10 years older than me. I'm pretty new in a dating scene so I can't really give you advice. But i can tell you my story. He's the one who ask for exclusively dating. I, being new at this,ask him what it means. To him, bf-gf includes having physical intimacy. Exclusively dating, we limit ourselves at making out. So there's a distinction in exclusively dating and bf-gf in his book. We both want to go slow so it's fine with me. We have pretty honest relationship and we both agree on not playing games. He does called me girlfriend jokingly but since I haven't met any of his friend so I won't know what he would call me in front of others. When my friends ask me about him, I also tell them that we are dating. But my dating is more serious than others' use of the word. We are learning about each other. However, my friends say we are basically bf-gf since we are exclusive. So I guess how you think of it is depending on what you and your guy agree on. I think if the term exclusively dating is bothering you, you should talk to your guy and ask him about the difference.