Should I be friends with my ex???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Should I be friends with my ex???
4
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:37pm
So here's the situation, me and my ex had a pretty bad break up after almost 2 yrs together. Soon after he broke up with me about 5 1/2 months ago, he started dating someone whom I considered like a cousin to me, who I introduced. It was pretty bad and I felt awful and sobbed for numerous days in pain. They knew how i felt and went with it anyway. Well he and I started getting back in touch about 2 months later and we talk all the time and get together once in a while. I never felt satisfied with how she moved in on my bf, so I figured I could make him realize what he lost, and make her feel the pain somehow. (i wanted to make sure they didn't last)

The problem is, it worked! He says he realized he made a huge mistake and misses me so much and that no one has and ever will compare to me. I miss him too but don't feel he deserves another chance with me after he dated my cousin. I do enjoy talking to him, because we still get along so well and have an amazing connection with each other, but i'm really confused on if he even deserves to be my friend. Do you think it's understandable that i would still want to be his friend after what he did? and i don't know how my friends and family would feel about it considering they feel what he did was wrong also. What should i do in this situation, he says he wants to make everything that he made wrong right...but it might be too late and no matter how much i still love him and want him back, i don't think it would be the right thing to do, should i just be his friend or would that fail anyway?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:58am
Well, I don't fully know what to say, other than to follow your heart and proceed with caution. You seem to still be hurting from the break-up, which is normal, but means it is not a good idea to date him again. But if you want to be friends, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as he knows that that is all you are. Don't give him indications that you're still interested if you're really not. I can tell you from experience that being friends with an ex can be a risky business. My ex and I were friends a from a few months after the breakup until a little over a year, then something changed, and he in a sense broke my heart again when he suddenly decided that he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Know that this is a risk. Also know that there are many people who remain very good friends with their ex's for many years. It's your call. Do what you feel is right. I hope everything works out. :)
Avatar for baddoggood
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:03am
Here is my opinion, which may not be the most welcome...but nonetheless..it's just a opinion. First of all, he is your EX bf...that means, your friend had every right to date him and vice a versa. Though they may of known it was hard on you, it is their relationship...not yours. It's hard, but you have to remember you were broken up and they shouldn't be expected to walk on eggshells because of you.

Now saying that, you need to put this behind you and look to the future. If you still feel something for your ex, then it is probably best to follow your heart on that. Time to forget about the past and if you are unable to do that, it is only going to keep eating you up inside and in the end, the relationship may very well fail because of it. And if you are just looking for friendship, so be it as well...no big deal, but you are going to have to realize as just being friends...he is going to get other gfs and you are going to have to sit back and handle it. Can you handle it? I am divorced and about 4 months after it was finalized, my ex and I hooked back up...as "Friends." I still loved him madly, but he wanted nothing more than friends. The first time he saw a girl, I cried so hard. The second time, my heart started beating hard and I felt depressed, but I didn't cry and I got over it right away. I realized, if it's meant to happen...it's going to, but if not, there's nothing I can do about it. It takes two to make a relationship work...period. But what I'm trying to say is, if you are only going to be friends...shake off this attitude that he's your property and no one else has the right to date him. A friend is a friend, not a bf or gf. Be happy for him, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I admit I get jealous when my ex is with someone else, but I know damn well he gets just as jealous when I'm with someone else. It's ok, shake it off and move on. :)

I wish you the best of luck...and remember, follow your heart. It may get hurt, but it can love again if you let it. "Love like you've never been hurt."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:26am
At this point I don't think a friendship between you would work out. You can't be just friends with someone when one of you has more than platonic feelings for the other. He wants to get back together with you, you want to punish him (and others) for what they did *after* you were broken up with him. Not exactly a healthy mentality IMO. In order to have healthy, successful adult relationships (be they friendship or romantic), a person has to be mature and emotionally healthy. That's just how it is. So no, I don't think you should get back together with him, nor do I think you should try to be his friend, b/c neither would result in a healthy, happy, successful situation IMO.

BTW, forgiveness and understanding go a long way in bringing happiness and contentment to a person's life. He wasn't going out with you anymore which means he was free to date anyone he wanted to. Also, the other girl did not "move in on your bf." He wasn't your bf anymore, and he made the choice to date her despite your feelings about it, so how is that HER fault? You set out to make her pay and feel pain. Instead of focusing on what to do now in regard to him, why not spend some time looking in the mirror and thinking about how to improve what you see. IMO, from experience, you have a ways to go before you'll be capable of being part of a healthy, mature relationship of any kind. I don't mean to be harsh, I really just want to make you look at things from a different perspective in an attempt to help you find a better future for yourself. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 5:44pm
From my experience, it is so very hard to be friends with an ex-boyfriend, especially when feelings are still involved. I dated my ex for over 4 years. I broke up with him in May (2003) - it was a long distance relationship and there were many other problems - the biggest being that I was very unhappy and he thought our relationship, except for the distance, was perfect. He was so hurt when I broke up with him, but it was the best for both of us. For 2 months, I ignored his phone calls and emails. Keep in mind that I still loved him very much but knew that I could not spend the rest of my life with him. I finally decided to talk to him in the beginning of August - and I have been miserable ever since. Depending on the level of friendship that you are pursuing with your ex, it becomes very difficult. We were talking at least once a day. Now, it's gotten to the point that I have a hard time differentiating between him as my "best friend" and him as my "boyfriend". We both get jealous when we think the other is dating somebody else. I have found that I have expectations of him that aren't fair ... because we aren't a couple. But I still see him in that way. So just be careful - make sure that you are truly over him before you pursue a friendship, and vice versa. I can keep talking about this forever ... and remember you will never change him. Until he realizes things on his own, there is nothing you can do to make it different. Just be confident and let me know that you are a strong, beautiful woman with or without him. The rest will fall naturally into place.