sorry so long but I really need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
sorry so long but I really need help
12
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 5:22am
We broke up about two weeks ago and this is the situation.

We have a history of problems. We started dating after a month and a half of being friends and going out to dinner. He confided in me at one point that he had problems with impotency. I made him go to a doctor to check himself out. He was too embarrased to do it before me and he lived like that for quite a long time. Anyway after about a month of treatmen he was a lot better. But the doctor told me that he was basically normal but had a lot of problems coping with pressure and he was super afraid of commitment. Doctor said I should take it easy with him. And I knew this because I had seen him have outbursts before when he got frustrated with something. He would tear at his shirt or put his fist in the wall. I didn't like that but on the other hand he was not violent with me.

On several occasions when we fought in the past (we did not fight often) he would tell me that he did not see himself in a relationship and that he doesn't think that he would be good with kids. Yet everything I know about him makes these statements totally untrue. He was a great boyfriend, he helped me around the house, took care of me when I was sick, and when I had a really bad cancer scare in December he pulled me out of my fears and helped me to cope with it all. I thought that his anxieties were all about the problems he had with impotency.

He moved in with me in January although he really was at my place most of the time before. Around the new year he started mentioning that it would not be bad if we had a kid after all. I saw a tremendous amount of improvement in his angry outbursts.. I thought we were home free.

Two weeks ago he broke up with me because I got angry one night because he came home late. He does this sometimes and it irritates the hell out of me. Anyway, he just told me that he was leaving and it was over. He repeated the stuff he said before about how relationships were not for him, kids were not for him, and that he is going to become a monk. crazy right?

I have seen him twice since. Last Friday he came to get his stuff and ended up asking me to go to dinner. When we went to dinner it was really nice and I could tell that he missed me. I was sure that this meant we would patch things up. But to my surprise he did not call at all or even send me an email like he used to everyday. Instead last night I broke down and called. I wanted to beg him to come back but I got a hold of myself and told him that I just needed to see him. I realize that he does not have a need to see me or else he would have called and now I got him to come see me again. I feel that it would be stupid to cancel yet I realize that I should not beg. Please help.... what should I say.

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Avatar for baddoggood
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:38am
First of all, guys have just as much anxiety and 'what ifs' as us girls. Perhaps he's afraid to say he wants back together after behaving the way he did. Why haven't you said it yet...I'm sure for the same reasons he has. If it appeared he missed you and you miss him as well, I would keep the dinner date and be the first to start the subject. In the end, you will either be back together or not...if you are all ready apart atm, what do you really have to loose. Perhaps some hurt feelings, a few tears...it's ok, we all heel and survive. What doesn't kill us , makes us stronger.

With that, if you do patch things back up, I think you both could use some couples counciling or something. He has some issues that need help and you need help with how to work with him . It's a two way street and if you want to be with this man, you are going to have to make just as much effort even if the problems aren't all your doing.

Best of luck

PS In the case of being late, instead of getting mad....talk to him later, when things aren't so fresh . I've gone through this with my ex and I found he only got furious when I confronted him right afterwards and vice a versa. It only ended up being a big, ugly fight saying things that we didn't mean and only hurt the other. Instead, I found that if I waited and talked to him in a calm voice, saying how I feared he was hurt or in a accident, he was much more responsive. Instead of demanding and trying to control him, saying "YOU CAN'T..."....I said "I would appreciate it if you called, let me know where you are, that you are ok and when I could expect you home." From then on, he called and I worried less. They aren't dogs, you can't control them and they are going to want time out by themselves...ie out on the town with their friends, away from you. You got to let them have this time...vice a versa. :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 5:07am
Yeah well he did not keep the date. And later sent me a mobile phone message saying he was sorry that he could not be there, that he wanted to be there for me, and that his intention is not to make my life difficult.

As you have mentioned I tried to talk to him nicely on many occasions prior to this about his lack of making agreements with me about when he is coming home and if we are going out or he is going out. Just to clarify... I never had problems with him going out with his friends ... its just that he never announced it to me and I never knew when it was going to happen. I would often expect him to come home and he did not until late. I would wait for him to come home instead of doing something on my own. It was rude in my opinion because we lived together. Sometimes I would nicely tell him at other times I would just let him be and let him have his fun and just not mention it. But lately I got really tired of it. And then I just exploded. I have a fuse too.

But thanks for the advice. I just don't think I can help him anymore.

And by the way because of the impotence we went to see a psychiatrist and spent several weeks in therapy. The psychiatrist released him and said he was better. But I knew that such profound problems could not be solved so quickly.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:53am
I think he did you a HUGE favor by breaking up with you, and by not showing up.

He sounds like he has major issues in dealing with anger. Did you know that punching walls and breaking things are often precursors to physical abuse? I have an acquaintance whose husband did just that. First he punched holes in the wall and threw things. It was only a matter of months before he pushed her.

No matter how many great things you see in him, this is a problem he has, and a big one. It's not going to just go away on its own. He needs to see that he has a problem and to get counseling to learn how to handle his emotions. I don't see any of that happening anytime soon.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:23am
I have to be honest I thought that all the rage came from his impotency problems. I thought that if I had a problem with sex and not be able to have it that I would be pretty angry to. I did not think that he would hit me but I did see the potential that it could go that way. I know what you are saying. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:21am
Sorry to put myself back in the discussion from before. I am still having such a hard time coping. He called one day and offered to see me but he made the comment that he did not want to be misunderstood about getting back together. I refused to see him. Then later he saw one of my friends on a bus and told her we broke up and he was feeling bad and thinking about what he should do.

I have ignored all this and stopped contact with him. However I am still overwhelmed by sadness and on top of that I feel guilty. He kept on telling me that he was trying to work on his problems while we were together but these things can't change over night. I kept pushing him to go faster and I did not like him going out so much.

I keep getting hurt by his last comment to me that being with me was like wrestling with a tiger. That I was difficult. It is so crazy. I mean doesn't he think that having problems with impotence, violence, and his lack of willingness to commit where even tougher things to cope with.

I am back because advice from you all soothes me. I still am not better. Only have managed to stop myself from contacting him. This Saturday will be three weeks. Shouldn't it be better by now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:43am
His values justified his behavior.

From the sound of it - a 'great relationship" by his standards would have been for you to give, do, provide, and tolerate - while he did whatever he wanted, whenver, however he wanted and not address any problems, or have any responsibilities that he didn't want to deal with.

By his standards and definition - that's a "great relationship".

At the beginning - you two had a "great relationship" - you tolerated and accepted everything he did by justifying it by situations....but eventually you wanted to start "solving" problems - instead of you overlooking, solving or coping with problems/consequences/situations - you wanted him to be someone he wasn't and started making demands.


He wantted it to remain as it was - with him doing whatever he wanted and not dealing with anything he didn't want to...while you picked up the tab, solved the problems, smoothed the waters and made his life easier to live for him - while whatever expense, trouble, hassle nad heartache it caused you - thatwas your problem, but shut up about it becuase it upsets me and I didn't get in this to be upset - that's his attitude and approach.

When ou stopped being a providing doormat...and started having demands, and making requests, and expecting progress - he then considered that he had a 'tiger" by the tail - you were now "wanting/expecting" things of him - other than for him to be his violent, lazy, dysfunctional, irresponsible self.

When he picked you up by the tail - he was pretty sure you were a housecat and he could slap you into compliance with just a little swat. You've become a tiger and are aggressively wanting and demanding change, which isn't easing his life and allowing him to remain as he is...and he's in a dilemma.

In order to get everything you provide on a continuing basis...he's got to become how you want him to be....which means he's got to change who he is and what he does - which is not why he got into this relationship.

He wants you to go back to be a stunned housecat that he has by the tail and swings around whenever he wants....and now you're like a tiger he has by the tail - he wants the benefits you provide, but not if you're going to require anything of him to get it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:50am
I think you completely ignored his very honest statements at the very beginning about not wanting a commitment or kids - this way he knew you knew where he stood and could bail at any time - you took the risk of getting involved with someone who was very clear with you up front that he didn't see long term potential for the two of you. Also from the beginning he probably felt emasculated - not by the impotence but because he let you control his behavior and "made him" go to a doctor - not a girlfriend thing to do and possibly a turn off for him if he doesn't want another mommy.

For now I would just give him space.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:09am
Hey Erin

I dont think anybody ever looked at me and thought that I was a housecat. I think they always see the tiger. He knew from teh start he had a tiger ... he just fed on the strength. But thanks yet again for being there. All your advice helps a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:17am
I did not make him go. I encouraged him to go.

but all else you are right. He was upfront about the way he felt. I thought it was because he was impotent. Do you think that you would feel that you could be married with children if you could not have sex. So I read it all wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:08am
Yes, I could be happily married and not have intercourse.

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