First date safety

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
First date safety
12
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:54am
Two months ago I got to know a guy online. We've been quite open with each other and then it turned to phone. Both his parents died last year & it seems he doesn't have much of a social life.He phones almost everyday & kept in touch even when he was abroad.I feel I can really trust him.

So tomorrow we should be meeting up i.r.l. for the first time.We live some 30mins away from each others. I said we should meet half way through, since I hate being picked up on a first date, for safety and easy escape in case the date isn't my type.But he insists that a guy should pick girl up on date and deliver her back safely. I don't want to divulge my exact address so agreed to be picked up at a square close-by. Thing is I'm too independent for this kind of thing. Otherwise, he left everything at my choice: day, time & venue (a place I know well). So I'll have to trust him and see how it goes. Will call a taxi in case I need alternative transport getting back home.

Any other safety measures I should take just in case?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:46am
DO NOT let him pick you up! Be firm on this point, or do not meet him! I cannot stress this enough: You DO NOT know a person until you have spent lots of time with them IN PERSON. You have a false sense of security with this man. You have never met him IRL so consider him a stranger. DO NOT allow him to talk you into anything you are uncomfortable with. You want to drive yourself and meet him half way so INSIST upon that. Do not back down! I did the online dating thing (met my husband that way) and IMO you shouldn't have spent 2 months "getting to know him" over phone and internet before meeting him. That gives you a false sense of knowing the person, when in actuality you don't know the person until you have met him in real life and gotten to know him through face to face interaction. Please believe me on this one. After 2 months you're going to be hugely disappointed if you meet him IRL and there is nothing there. No spark, no chemistry, no "connection" that you felt online or on phone. Please make the meeting SHORT in case you feel you want to leave. Do not commit to hours and hours together up front. That's my advice, from experience. Good luck.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:58am
Thanks for your reply.

In fact he disappointed me a bit when he said he'd either do the picking me up or otherwise no date.I put it down to his mentality about women & driving. He's 36 (me 26) and he sounded taken aback when I said I've been driving since I was 18.

Anyway, at the back of my mind I've been considering to go to the meeting spot in my car, let him park his car there & then I drive us to the venue.

Even though I trust him, I'd feel a lot safer in my own car.

And if he refuses, it's his loss after all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:02am
I just want to repeat that IMO a guy who insists on anything that his date feels uncomfortable with is not worth pursuing. If someone told me there would be no date if he didn't do the driving (before we even met IRL), well....there would be no date. ICK. Please don't be bullied. If he was trying to be a gentleman he would OFFER, but do whatever you felt comfortable with. Only a control freak (or a chauvanist) would insist. Beware.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:14am

No, don't let him get into your car either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 12:45pm
Do not I repeat do not get in a car with a stranger - on line dating is different than regular dating - meet him somewhere and tell him it is a safety issue not an etiquette issue - if he doesn't understand or gives you a hard time do not meet him, period end of story - do not go in a car with a stranger - yours or his - on a first blind date unless you have been set up by a very close friend who knows him well and even then . . ..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 12:47pm
Safer in your own car? Really? He can't reach across and attack you or verbally abuse you while you're driving? He can't take stuff that is in your car? Touch you while sitting next to you? If he doesn't understand, no date. Period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 12:59pm
I just have to chime in and agree with the other posters. PLEASE do not get into his car or let him into yours on the first date.

It concerns me that he gave you the ultimatum (he drives or no date at all). Makes me wonder what his motives are? A true gentleman might offer but would back down if you expressed concern. So I am really wondering why he didn't, and that would concern me greatly. I don't think this is about him being a gentleman.

I have done a lot of online dating, and never once did I allow someone to pick me up (or to know where I lived/worked, or even my last name) before meeting him. A few guys offered to pick me up, but conceded in their offer that I might be more comfortable meeting somewhere. Not a SINGLE guy insisted on picking me up on a first date - and if anyone had, I would have said goodbye. I met my bf online and he had no problem at all with meeting in a public place for our first date. Oh, btw, my bf is 36 so this is not an age thing. Something is not right with this guy. Please be very careful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:04pm
Oops, I forgot to answer your question about other safety measures! A few ideas:

*meet in a crowded public place

*keep the meeting short and have plans to see/talk to someone afterward

*let someone know where you are going and who you are meeting

*take your cell phone, if you have one

*trust your intuition - if something seems off, it probably is, so end the date politely

*don't leave your drink unattended

Be safe.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:08pm
This wouldn't bother me at all if he didn't insist on picking you up. Since I don't know anything about him, I can't really tell you if it's consistent with his personality.

You really have two risks. 1. He's really dangerous. 2. He's an awful date and you just want to get away.

Had you considered a double date? How about you and a couple of friends for dinner and dancing?

If you're going to let him pick you up, here's how to seem not so paranoid. When he meets you, have a friend with you at the square. Say something like "this is my friend Jennifer", and let everyone talk for a minute. Jennifer will take a good look at him, get his license number in case you are missing. Bring your cellphone. Do you have pepper spray? If not, it's about $5. Wear comfortable shoes. Have some cash with you for a cab.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 5:35pm
Dear iVillagers,

Thank you so much for your advice, clear views & support. I am very much obliged to you all. I have talked to the guy again and he wasn't flexible so I called it off.

Regards,

Jill

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