Used Part 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Used Part 2
3
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 5:35pm
I wrote the thread on here about a week ago (Used) and I got lots of great advice ... so a little follow up ...

I decided to send him an email. Basically I told him that I was honestly disappointed that I heard from him. I said that I didn't have any expectations but was hoping that we would at least keep in touch. That was basically it ... I kind of phrased it so that I wasn't attacking him, just asking him his thoughts ... That was Monday morning.

He responded almost immediately (less than an hour) ... These were basically his exact words ... oh, i'm sorry - we're moving to a new building at work and have been running around - i just got internet access - i know that i should have called you - i'm sorry - how was your valentine's day.

So, it was quite short ... but our emails to each other have always been short and to the point but frequent. But I don't know what to make of it. I totally understand that he's been very busy but I totally agree that he should have called. Why would he point this out though?? And the Valentine's Day thing?? Was he stressing that I wasn't a part of his??? I guess I can't read to much into it ... I'm glad he responded (I haven't totally been given the axe) but ...

Thanks guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 9:15am
So he called last night ...
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 9:41am
When I read your 1st post I was going to comment on the fact that he couldve called....then I read your second post. So all I can say is "AND?????" What happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:43am
Hon, let's try this from another perspective.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Thier values, priorities and boundaries justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Their values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.

Okay - so everything that everybody does - they WANT to do it. It's not "an accident or a mistake". Their reasoning says to do it, their priorities say to do it, their values say it is justified and entitled for them to do or not do.....because of whatever their goals are at that moment, or overall in life.

This guy is going to continue to keep in touch...he didn't dump you after a one-nighter. He's going to send short emails, and conversations - wahtever the "norm" has been for you two - sex didn't change it. Sex just added an additional "thing" for you two to do, meaning the contact MIGHT be more frequent - depending on if he's got more than one booty call out there, or if he finds a woman that he really wants to date exclusively and remains that way with her.

But...he's under no obligation based on the sex..just like he was never under any obligation based on his previous phone call - to call you, see you, or interact again. So stop viewing this as "why woul dhe call me now that I've given up the goods"....and start viewing it for waht it is "he'll call me withthe frequency he always has, for the reasons he always has, and now we have one more thing that we can do if we're together besides talk, flirt, and eat nachos."

Now, picture a circle and you're standing in the middle of it.....that 'circle' represents your options and potential and opportunities and obligations to yourself and for your life......you're standing there in this circle but refuse to move - the circle is huge - but you're standing in dead square center not wanting to move one inch towards anything. That's self-imposed restriction. You want him to be able to "find" you if he wants you, you want him to want what you want and you want to be "right where he left you in case he wants you".

And now picture another circle, just as big and he's in it. He's moving all around the circle, pursuing all sorts of professional and personal options and issues and priorities he realizes all this is his to enjoy, t pursue, to utilize to his own best interests and to meet his own needs he's NOT standing in dead center "waiting" on anything and as a result he'll call you and interact with you based on his priorities in the moment, and the moment's are flying by because he's involving himself in all sorts of things (not just women, but probably also women). That's self-required pursuit. He's not "eluding" you and he's not "avoiding" you - but he's not prioritizing "you" either. You are fun, the sex was fun - when he wants more of that he knows where to look and if you're not where he left you - he might seek you out - or might someting or someone else to fill his time with based on the options and opportunities in his circle.

I really wish you could see this - but you're staring at yourself as if in a mirror going "you trampy, trashy, useless, worthless piece of garbage" for getting laid. And he's going "it was a great lay, maybe it'll happen again" and he's moving on with his life. He's not moving away from or towards you....."YOU" and a relationship were never his goal to begin with.

He mentioned Valentines Day because it was an event that happened since the last time he saw you. He probably wouldn't have been upset had you said you had a onderful date iwth a great guy who brought you stuffed bear and roses, he'd have been happy that you enjoyed yourself - even if it involved getting laid.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com