Conflicting information re: dating??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Conflicting information re: dating??
11
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:23pm
Hi! I'm totally new to the dating world. I bought a book, Why men love bit*hes. She said to TOTALLY let the man call me. My friends boyfriend however, said he wished my friend would have called him herself. Sometimes I hear guys love it when girls initiate, then someotimes I hear guys want that 'chase' and to not call, ever.

What do I do???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:34pm
Every time I've ever called I've gotten burned at some point. Guess what I WONT be doing?

LOL.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:58pm

I had mixed feelings about that book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:02pm
What you should do is be careful about lumping every man into the same category. As you've discovered, some like to be the initiator and some don't mind when the woman initiates things. Everyone's different! You have to play it by ear on a case by case basis -- use common sense and listen to your instincts. Be careful about "dating rules." Not everyone is the same, so no "rule" is hard and fast and applies to every single person or couple on the globe.

I called my husband first and then we broke just about all the dating "rules" but things worked out great and we're really happy together. :-)

Also, I haven't read the book you cited but I'm a bit skeptical about it, due to it's title (which is hogwash IMO). Why not try Dr. Phil or Richard Carlson if you're looking for advice on how to have a healthy relationship. Just a suggestion.

Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:14pm
I say do away with those stupid books...they always seem to get more people in trouble.

As another poster mentioned, some guys like the chase and some like to be chased upon. I feel in this day and age, that the guy does not always have be the one to call and follow up with the girl. In fact, I have known some men that have had interest in a woman, but never called just b.c they weren't sure how she felt, my husband included.

So I say, give the guy a call every now and then when dating! It works both ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:04pm
I haven't read the book, but would add this as food for thought. Every is different and has different expectations and has different comfort levels. I know many women that call and many that won't.

From my own personal experience: I have learn (just on my dating experiences) that most men accept what's offered and I've always wanted to know the guy wanted me for me and not just because I was offering. I've been with my current bf for 2 1/2 yrs. He contacted me, we chatted for a long time, he always felt I was waiting for him to act (I was) and finally he asked me out.

I also think it has to do with individual personalities, some people want to lead other want mutual opportunity to share the leading and some like to follow. Some are passive and will take what's offered. Yet, what ever roles you establish early SEEM to persist throughout the relationship.

If you are comfortable in approaching a guy, do. If you aren't, then don't.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 5:07pm
Sometimes people try to make things more complex than they really need to be. Also there will never be a single right answer that can be applied to all people in terms of specific actions that need to be done.

Having said this I do think that every person likes receiving some form of an "expression of interest". Then it becomes your choice in how you will offer this expression of interest as well as the consequences if you do not offer an expression of interest.

To me if a woman accepts and attends a date with me that is a very mild form of an expression of interest. Its easy to show up at a restaurant and have a guy purchase the wine and the meal. There are women out there that will do this just to get a free meal and some good conversation 4 or 5 times a week.

Think of this for a moment - how many times would you call a girlfriend of yours suggesting you go do something with her without her ever reciprocating? Its not much different for men. If I ask a woman out somewhere between 5 and 10 dates and she never reciprocates then I am probably wasting my time.

Yes we men will chase when there is something of value to chase. If there is little to no returned value the chase will stop pretty quickly. If you take some positive & proactive action in return (expression of interest) then you have a better chance in capturing a man's attention. There are many single & available women out there. Probably just as many single & available men. Why would we go after a dead fish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:31pm
I think most guys are looking for women to just 'open the door' metaphorically speaking.

In other words, "All things in moderation" is the best approach.

A woman doesn't necessarily have to do the 'chasing', but she certainly needs to give the (very overt) hints that she's willing to be chased (and can be caught).

If a guy doesn't think she can be caught, why would he 'chase' her?

In my experience, there's generally 3 main groups of women:

1) the kind that are passive, don't really flirt much, and then wonder why guys don't approach them (duh, because the guy assumes he will look stupid when he gets shot down... why risk it, when the 'odds of success' are seemingly so low?).

This is what the *vast* majority of women fall into -- even when they THINK they're flirty, most are STILL here.

Chances are, if you're not actively beating a guy over the head with hints, he's missed most of your hints - yes, even the "super obvious ones" (because they're only obvious to YOU). Men aren't mind readers. In fact, when it comes to "hints", we're pretty dense.

2) the kind that are flirty, who usually have a BF, and when they don't, have 3 other guys lined up (All thinking she might like them - naturally, she's smooth & doesn't flirt with those guys in front of each other -- those 3 guys all think THEY'RE the only other guy she flirts with).

3) the kind that actively go after guys - this is the style guys really want, but typically the woman "executes this style" poorly (sort of like a really complicated jump in ice skating or something - everyone wants to see it done, and done correctly, but usually a fall is involved which the 'judges' penalize very roughly for).

If done *correctly*, this kind of woman will ALWAYS have a good guy, and never have need a date (or BF, or whatever they happen to be looking for).

Some common mistakes:

A) Going after the guy that SHOULDN'T be gone after. Yeah, if he looks like a model, and has 120 girl's phone numbers in his cell phone, you shouldn't be CHASING him.

Most of the women that say "I've tried asking guys out, but it doesn't work" almost always have made this mistake. I hate to break it to you, but if this is the kind of guy you're going to ask out, you're probably not going to end up in a LTR. The "male equivalent" to this move is like the guy that only asks out the 'super-model bimbo'.

Duh. It doesn't work (well, except for guys like Brad Pitt - but if you're not Jennifer Aniston, you're probably not going to 'succeed').

B) Being actively flirty with TOO MANY GUYS AT ONCE, all in the same place. Yeah, if you hit on a guy, and the hit on his friend in open & plain view, any 'positive vibes' you may have gotten have just gone down the toliet. You've gone from "the cute girl that seems into me" to "the girl who will sleep with anything". You know how you get mad when a guy you like asks your best friend out instead? Yeah, the same thing applies to guys.

It all seems obvious, but I see it happen over, & over, & over again.

This is all just IMHO, of course, no books attributed to my name... yet.

;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:03pm
Cool! Thanks to all for the help. Singleguy, i'm having the WORST time. Yes, I fall into category #1. But I just don't know WHAT to say to this guy~ He's been busy at work all week, hasn't called (I have called him but got VM). I cant read what he's doing. You men are so difficult, I swear.

Maybe Ill go out on a limb, and just ask him what he's doing this weekend. Does everyone think that's a good way to go? Then maybe I can join group #2!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:53pm

Is this the same guy you posted about on the Answer Man board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 4:01pm
Yes, now that i'vve thought about it, he hasn't been all that interested. I'm just going to drop it. :D

Thanks so much!!! I'm so new to all this, but I want to keep dating! It's fun!

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