Letting out some steam

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Letting out some steam
9
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:12pm
I just wanted to let out some steam...so I'd thought I'd do it here. I don't understand it sometimes when guys make you feel on top of the world and then the next minute they leave you dazed and confused! Why do men do this????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:20pm
Feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action. Feelings are not used to determine what to do in situations to get a specific result. Feelings are a RESULT of situations. Situations are created/changed with actions, decisions and words.

Your feelings are a result of your perception of each situation at hand, in relation to your goals and needs.

He did not "cause" you to feel a particular way. You are feeling as you are - based on the situation as it is, which obviously his action caused or changed to your displeasure.

Everything people do - they do because THEY want to do it. They are not doing or not doing what they do or do not do for, because of, in spite of, or despite you....they are doing it because their values and standards justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas or desires.

So basically, he did something that made you "feel" special - roses, a special card, a romantic date....and you took that to mean "I adore you, I worship you, I love you" based on your perception of his action and what he meant by it by YOUR interpretation.

he's now done something that your perception has you thinking flies in the face of previous assumption and it makes you "feel" negative, upset, hurt, or neglected.

His actions might upset you because they conflict with your values, or they cause situations to exist/change in ways that you don't like or want. But "he" is not ocntroling your feelings - and nothing he is doing is meant to control your feelings.

When he gave you the roses with the chocolates - it was because he wanted to. And when he didn't call and stood you up - it was because he wanted to.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:24pm
I'm sure everything he did it was because he wanted to do it...no doubt about that. But what I meant was some guys run when things are good and I don't understand why they do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:28pm
What you define as "good" - they might not.

Generally, if what you're considering as "good" is a new developing or dynamic change...they are running becuase how it was was "good" by their definition and standard and this is not.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 7:15pm
Simple - in most cases you allow it to happen by not keeping your head on straight in a new relationship or one where there is not a solid foundation and commitment. It also happens when you don't have enough of a life of your own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 8:40pm
I'm sure there are just as many men out there who could've written your post about women! Don't settle for anyone whose actions don't match their words. That's a red flag. Sometimes people feel one way and then change their minds with the passage of hours, days, months. That's life (and dating)!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:22am

Hi


Many guys wonder the same thing about women - miscommunication and misunderstandings make the world go 'round, unfortunately.


Guys are people too, too bad we don't realize that and too bad they don't realize women are people too as well!


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 5:49pm
Yes I totally agree with you! Men and women really don't know how to communicate with each other and for those that are able to I congratulate you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 5:58pm
You can have a life of your own and do your own thing and you will still get caught up in a relationship. You can't help who you fall for so there's no need to try to fight it. If something feels right in the beginning then you go for it. But sometimes it just turns out that it can be wonderful one minute and then the next it's not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:53pm
You can't help who you fall for - you can help how you react to those feelings (before you are totally in love) and whether you choose to get caught up. By your definition, I should have had an affair with my married coworker because I had a crush on him - but, no, I make a choice not to react to certain feelings where the man is not available or not appropriate for me in some way. I choose not to let my feelings develop - and I protect my heart - until I believe that the object of my desire is worthy of my feelings and investment of time and attention - why - because I care for myself and have a life and take responsibility for my actions in response to my feelings, whether those actions have to do with men or in any other way. Why don't you?

I was in a relationship this past summer that felt very right in the beginning - but I protected my heart and proceeded with some caution and reasonably - I made the decision that if at the 5-6 month mark I still felt the same and things were going well, I would bring up progressing to the next level - engagement - at the 4 month mark we had already been talking of marriage but he had never said he loved me - I knew that no matter what the reason I needed to protect myself because no matter how attentive and loving he was I knew he wasn't there yet - which I found out at the four month mark - two weeks later we broke up and even though I had been head over heels, I had also kept my head on straight so that I was not devastated.

Had I taken your approach - I would have gone with those initial "right" feelings to the nth degree and felt mislead and shocked when those feelings were not returned - I would have ignored the signs instead choosing the whirlwind - then I would have played the victim of a misleading man - to me that would be terribly unfair - yes I was head over heels, no he never promised it would end in marriage, he never told me he loved me but he did dozens and dozens of things to show he cared and talked of the future constantly - and still I kept my head on straight so that when it ended I did not feel bitter or mislead or resentful or devastated - or like "male bashing" - and IMHO I think my approach is a much healthier one and allows me to continue to enjoy men's company, feel optimistic about relationships and love, and maintain a very strong sense of self. Try it some time!


Edited 2/21/2004 10:58:38 PM ET by deena33