dating an older man

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
dating an older man
8
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 5:44pm
To my fellow women,

I need advice, but I have never done this before. I am 21 years old and met this incredible man. He is 29 with a booming career and an amazing life. We met each other randomly and hit it off where we exchanged phone numbers and email. I emailed him first and then for about a month we just emailed back and forth. Then, we went on our first date. It was perfect to say the least. We had sex that night (on the first date) which I dont know was a bad or good decision. Anyway, I moved away for personal reasons and we talk about once a week, and when we do, it is great. The thing I am confused about is: I am getting myself way to emotionally envolved, and I dont know where this is going to end up. I feel like I am being the one who is pursuing him, and maybe he is just being nice and putting up with me. I mean this guy is the man you dream about when you are a kid (but never thought existed). He is perfect for me, but I dont know if I am perfect for him. I just need a reality check of what to do with my situation. I dont know if he is dating around or what, but where do I stand? and what do I do?? help! please!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 6:12pm
Why do you feel like the pursuer? Are you initiating every phone call? If you are, you'll know where you stand when you stop calling him. How far away did you move? Is it too far to see each other in person on any kind of regular basis? It's tough to give you advice without knowing these details. If the distance between you prevents regular dates, then he might like you but not want a long distance relationship. If the distance isn't too far, and he's not making any effort to see you then he's not that interested in you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 8:52pm
Sorry! I wasn't very clear on some things, but I really appreciate you replying back.

Well to clear things up: I moved far away enough to not see him on a regular basis, but he has offered to fly me down a couple times. I have just not been able to see him because of my job. I am seeing him soon for a weekend and we both seem excited about it. I am not the only one calling all the time, but I do think that I do try to get in touch with him more than he gets in touch with me. I don't know... it is just like I am not supposed to be with him so I am waiting for him to come to his senses. I just dont know how to stop worrying and just have fun. When we are together, it all just falls into place, but since I am far away, it seems to engulf my thoughts. I feel like am just waiting for something bad to happen since he is this grown and independent man and I still live at home for now. I mean it just doesn't seem like a match...(but I want it to be so bad!!!!!!!!!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:50pm
It is really easy to become emotionally attached when you spend more time daydreaming about a guy than you spend with him in person. He may be Mr. Right in your fantasies, but you don't really know that for sure until you've dated him regularly over a period of time. You admire him for his independence, and worry that he may be dating other women or that he'll fall for someone else who is also independent and more available to him. That could happen, but if you date other guys as well and work on gaining your own independence you'll minimize any disappointment you might feel should that occur. Ask yourself what you would do if you were only mildly interested in him, and act accordingly. That's hard to do when you're sitting by the phone waiting for his call. Don't do that. Be too busy for that. Call less often. Give him every opportunity to pursue you. Worrying about this will not change a thing, except to keep you from behaving like yourself - the person he likes. So distract yourself from worry by filling your time with other activities and people and then time will tell if this relationship is meant to be. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:50pm
I'd say take it easy for now. See other guys like charite99 said so you can minimize dissapointment if the worst case were to occur. Just have fun.

Don't make any assumptions that he is or isn't seeing anyone else. The only way to know is to ask him. But...its just so early for that question, the two of you have only been on one date...not sure about that one.

One major cavaet with us guys though: If we get to have sex with you on the first date, most guys I know at least, will discount your "value" as LTR material because we may think, "Hmm...if she slept with me on the first date...how many other times has this happened? Or maybe while she was away, she could have dated another guy and done the same." Its very dangerous to sleep with a guy on the first date because if he thinks your "loose", then its very difficult to overcome and change that image in his mind.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:07pm
Oh by the way, as far as the sleeping with a guy on the first date warning goes...

...I meant that only applies if you are looking for an LTR with a guy....if not, then obviously its not big deal; its your perogative.

It just that if a guy gets to have sex with you on the first date, he is thinking "She is not looking for an LTR".



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:57am
I wouldn't put every guy into that category. Though it's the exception rather than the rule, I know 2 men who have married the girls they slept with on the first night. It all depends on how mature the guy in question is...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 12:32pm
I am new to this. What is an LTR?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 12:55pm
LTR = Long Term Relationship

Aubrey =)