we're actually over... a good thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
we're actually over... a good thing?
3
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 4:43pm
I have written up a couple posts in the past about this relatinoship and "my past"... so if this gets repetitive, please bear with me. it's quite long.

If you prefer to read less, the gist is really amongst the second half so you can just read that.

We have had problems throughout our relationship, but I never expected or wanted it to end, especially not now and not like this... I'm sure that if I go crawling back, we'd be together again, but I'm not sure if this relationship is worth holding on to anymore or if the best thing to do is to let go and eventually find someone else?

the condensed version of the story...

we're young (in college) and we've been together for over 7 months... or were together, I should say. met him through a high school "friend" whom he once dated briefly

first month: good good good, except his constant pressure for sex (though i declined)

second month: still good good good, his pressure continues and I finally give in near the end of the month, he begins to have to know every little thing about my past relatinoships

third month: we're pretty serious now, but he doesn't like the fact that, assuming that he devotes himself to me his entire life, he was a virgin and I wasn't. also couldn't stand the fact taht I dated an immature 3 years younger black guy about 1.5 years before him. he nags me constantly for my past with things like "where were your morals?" "no one respected you (in high school) because you went out with that little kid" "it's hard because others (people from the same high school) keep asking me why I'm with you" and "now I see why everyone thought you were a whore" (um, just for the record, this is an exaggeration, not everyone thought this heh :)

fourth month: continues to bombard me with my past, says he is trying to get over my "unprestigious past" but he can't help but think about it, and then he gets mad everytime he thinks about it. I'm going crazy, and he continues to support me (between the "abuse sessions") by saying he's trying hard to deal with it on his own but it still hurts. he even said once when he was really mad "no decent guy would ever want you as a wife. they may date you but no one, unless he has slept around, would ever want a serious relationship with you" and another time couldn't stop calling me a whore but he apologized afterwards when he calmed down

fifth month: has said many times that he's "over it" but it comes back. he's now more over the fact that I'm not a virgin, but more mad about the person whom i lost my virginity to because his behaviour is immature (it is). he tries to deal with it on his own and doesn't bring it up anymore, except maybe twice or so, but knowing that he still thinks about it kills me. near the end of the month, he has a reoccuring dream (which angered and bothered him like crazy) about how I'm giving birth in the delivery room and the baby comes out black and he pushes my hand away, says f*** off, walks out of the hospital and down a cliff and dies. When I said something about how I never got flowers before (when he got me flowers one time), he got mad (internally, mad at my past) because I had sex with my previous two guys who treated me like crap. One time I'd say how we should try stopping the sex and wait (I've always had a problem with it because I feel we did it waaay too early and he really pressured me in the beginning), and he'd make a stupid comment like "well you had sex with in a month" or if I got jealous of him and some chick, he'd say something dumb like "so your ex cheated on you and you took him back". (this is usually when he's semi-mad though)

sixth month: we break up near the beginning, forgot the exact reason, but i think we got into a fight (most likely relating to something that showed he's not over my past although he says he is) and he walked off on me and then we broke up. he has walked off on me a few times in the past, more than enough, in the middle of the street, at my place, in a mall, whatever. two days later, he apologizes sincerely and we got back together.

middle of month: he has reoccuring nightmares again of me cheating... forgot what it was though, he also had one dream where he cheated on me with a virgin.

near the end of the month, one day on the phone he was acting distant (he does often when he's "thinking" and doesn't want to share), i tell him that he should share all his thoughts/feelings with me and not hide them. he says "heh if I had told you everything that I was thinking, you wouldn't even be with me now" that comment freaked me out because it implied that he still thinks about my past. I asked him why or something like that, and he said "well you said that if I don't get over your past, then we can't be together". I got pretty angry because I really thought it was over. after that, we "solved" things (in a sense) and everything was okay for awhile.

seventh month: everything was going well but in the beginning, he makes a comment on the phone about how it's hard to respect me for my past or it's hard to tell others about my past with respect on his face (not quite verbatim). I got mad and just ended things right there, but we got back together the next day because he apologized and said he realized the truth after I explained it to him, which is often what he says after something. Since then, things have been "normal" but after such a long period of chronic stress, I'm still feeling really crappy and depressed. I can't seem to forgive myself for my past and then I wish he had met me a year or so earlier so I could've been "better" for him. I can't seem to forgive him either for victimizing me and I get mad at my wrongdoings in the past that made him mad at me, and then I get mad at him for getting mad about my past. But generally, he's great now; it's just me "recovering".

Today, I was in a frantic mood (I had no sleep as well, so that didn't help) and I started bitching about his lower socioeconomic "class" or whatever, and about our cultural differences (I'm Chinese, he's Caucasian). He obviously got upset and started saying (in a really harsh way) that the type of guy I want would never go for me. I disagreed with him. He says "well a guy like that would never marry me" and mentions that "a Chinese guy who is respected and has a bright future would never want me or respect me". (because of my past). I am sooooo upset because "here we go again about my past" and here he goes bashing me again. I understand that I upset him, but nonetheless, shut up about my stupid past! We broke up, I walked away, he walked the other way.

We were taking the bus from the college, so we ended up on the same bus but we sat away from each other and ignored each other because we were both soooo mad. We were suppose to grab lunch but never did. He came online and I said that I'm hungry so he asked if I wanted to go out to eat with him and a couple other guys. It's surprising that he seems to think that I'm actually okay with him; I'm actually really angry at him. I said no because it'd be strange to tell the other guys that we broke up. (actually because I'm quite upset and cannot go out with him normally like friends as if nothing happened, I don't understand how he could). I asked if he had anything else to say to me before I go; (he actually thought I was hinting that he should say something because he kept going on and when I said "done?" he said "what did you want?") he apologized for what he said earlier and said that he loves me, but he also said that maybe this is for the best and that he wants to stay in contact and hopefully in time become friends again. He came over a half an hour later to pick up his cell phone (he left it here in the morning) and a rented movie we never got to finish watching *sniff*. Since we broke up, he didn't show much emotion, right afterwards he even goes out with his "buddies" to eat, he just didn't seem to want this relationship back. I didn't show much emotion either (because he wasn't) but I didn't imply that I wanted us to end. I can't even look him in the eye or talk to him (I get mad inside) and I ended up eating leftover crap for lunch.

I know he WOULD want me back if I initiated it, but I'm so sick of "taking him back" or "crawling back to him". what happened shouldn't have happened, it just proved that the problems may always keep "coming back"... I've been really depressed lately (not sure if it has anything to do with him or not, not sure if this would make it better or worse) I really do want to be with him but is this for the best? The "problems" were pretty much gone, it was just that one comment he made... our relationship was improving significantly. Do I go back to him with an indignified smile or just tag behind in tears?

He usually has to be alone when he's mad about something, but he immediately went out with friends. He really seemed fine with everything too and I don't want to "initiate a talk with him" because I don't want to care and get more miserable. I kind of want to move on because I'm mad at him for... I'm not really sure what, but I'm just so angry at him that I don't want to crawl back to him, but I think I want to be with him. Either we get back together or we don't... what should I do? (I really don't want to initiate again as if I'm the one dying and he's strolling along)

He said this online at the end as well:

"im sure ull find a great guy someday. ull make one guy the luckiest man in the world. ur happiness has always been my number one concern, and if i cant make u happy im sure the perfect guy for u will. never forget uve got a lot to offer anyone. i was wrong for what i said. never settle for less. i will always love you. be happy"

inconsistency! it's almost like first he loves me, then he hates me, then he loves me, then he hates me. what's going on inside his mind?! does he even want to be with me?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 5:16pm
How can he possibly say that your happiness has been number one in his mind when he has constantly focused on your past, telling you you're a whore and that no respectable man would want you??? That's just a load of BS!

This guy is not for you. He has not treated you well from the beginning and I'm not really sure why you would even consider going back to him. My advice? Focus on healing, focus on you. Take the time now so that in the future, if any man who is even remotely mentally abusive as this guy was comes into your life, you will tell him where to go.

You deserve so much better than this. Never regret your past--only learn from it. And never allow anyone judge your past. They have not lived your life nor walked in your shoes. If a person is not understanding enough to realize that we all make mistakes, then don't allow them in your life.

I hope this helps. I do think this break is for the best though... *hugs*

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:18am
thanks, that really helped.

it makes me wonder too when he says my happiness is his number one concern... but all that stuff he did in the past is pretty much gone, in a sense. he doesn't focus on my past anymore; that's pretty much the only reason why I think the relatinoship would work.

now I need new advice though...

while he was out with his friends, I called him and asked if he wanted to chill, so he came by, apologized and everything and asked to stay together. I said yes.

We chilled for a bit and then he went to work; I asked him to come by afterwards (at 9) and he said maybe if he can. He put me into bed for a nap before he left because i hadn't slept all night.

He came by at 9 but I was in bed sleeping and my sister answered the door. She thought I wasn't home so she told him that I went out.

I wake up at 10, find out that he came by and, for some strange reason, jump out of bed and completely freak out. I reaaally wanted him to come by tonight, especially cuz our whole plans for the day was ruined. It isn't even a huge deal but I completely broke down and started bursting into tears. I called him up and told him that I was actually home but my sister didn't know and asked if he could come by now.

I was mad about my sister saying that, so I was completely angry on the phone. I asked him to come and he said no because he's tired. I freaked out and kept asking him and told him he could stay over and sleep when he gets here. He continues to say no. I burst into tears and I'm like why wouldn't you just come over. he says he's all changed and in bed already; that he hasn't slept for a couple days and he just got off work so he's exhausted. I didnt understand how he could be sooo tired just one hour later. He was suppose to come anyway so I didn't think it would be a big deal. I seriously broke down (I've been completely miserable/depressed lately for awhile so I think it's all added up till now); I couldn't stop crying and I was literally shaking. He wouldn't come because he said he literally can't move anymore... but at this point I'm dead. I was so angry and didn't understand why he wouldn't come over if I'm like this, whether or not he's excessively tired. It really wasn't a big deal but for some reason, I really needed him to come. Any guy I know would hop on over if I asked (not that I would ask another guy), so it really disappointed me that he would be the one saying no.

I was really depressed, completely in shambles and was talking... going on about how I'm through with life and everything in this relationship from now on is doomed... just blah blah blah angry talk. Then halfway, realizing that he's not talking at all and only breathing, find out that he fell asleep on the phone... so I hung up and that was it.

I don't know if this is really my own fault because he was REALLY tired and I was expecting too much? or if I should have been more understanding (not really possible because I was reaaallly miserable)? I'm not sure if he really is "an ass" or if saying no really is a rationalized response... I want to stay in this relationship because I know he has good intentions, but I don't know if this is worth it anymore.

And in a sense, maybe he brainwashed me, but I'm starting to feel like if I ever go for another guy, he would never "forgive" me for my past either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:57am
honey, the reason you were so uptight about missing his visit was because you've gotten to the point where you feel like you have to be Miss Perfect to "prove" to him that you're not as bad as he seems to claim, based on his regurgitation of your past.

so he grills you about your past (which can't possibly be that bad at your age, trust me)and then he turns it against you?

he then regularly threatens to end the relationship based on intangibles and obfuscated opinions and judgments he's throwing at you.

essentially what he's been doing is putting you down for months!

your past is nothing to be "forgiven" over and you feel this way, then he's really pulling a mindf*ck on you and you're letting him!

it's time for you to get your confidence back and stop talking about this topic.

i do believe he's jerking you around and trying to put you in a "lower" position than him (massive insecurity) because he thinks it's his right to insult you with your past.

stand up to this and don't take it a minute longer.