A good question for the men

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
A good question for the men
7
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:04pm
A good friend of mine brought this up... why do men come on so strong in the begining and leave just as fast? It's like bam.. your spending everyday together talkin about things you are going to do in the future.. then it's.. bam... we need to slow things down (even though he set the pace) then its wham.. i can't see you anymore. Then it's I miss you.. start talking everyday again.. then it's .. no more phone calls lol, It all happens so fast it makes your head spin and you don't know what hit you? Is it because they are "Relationship addicts" or a sign of a rebound relationship? What do you all think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:49pm
Question for you - why do you allow things to move that fast? Don't you believe getting to know someone at a reasonable pace? My guess - you love the whirlwind and so take the risk - it's your choice and you allow it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:46am
Sounds like you just haven't found your Mr.Right. Remember alot of men are scared of commitment. Are you having sex with them right away? If so maybe you should start waiting a while until you know how they truely feel about a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:21pm
I don't think a lot of men are scared of commitment- I just think that when they are not that into someone they use the "I'm not ready for a relationship" excuse to let the woman down gently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:30pm
From what my guy friends have told me, a lot of times "I'm not ready for a relationship" means just that--that they're not ready. It's not about the person to them, it's about the timing...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:26pm
Yeah its about timing AND whether you are the right "one". Guys take a while to figure out what they want, who they want etc. The best policy? Be patient. In the meantime, date other people, have fun, and keep moving. You will be surprised how quickly they run back in your arms.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:29pm
I agree with most of you. Timing is very critical when it comes to having a committed relationship with someone. Yes, some guys might use the excuse to let the girl down gently..others just are confused. No, I'm not having sex with these people.. it's not about that. This guy did get out of a serious relationship recently and he even said he cant move forward without letting the past go. I know this is not b.s. i see him on campus and he's always around his guy buddies and he's not dating anyone else. He even told me he's emotionally unstable.. lol. I think that guys just need to figure out what they want and also, it depends on their age as well. The guys around my age are still in "party" mode. It also doesn't help when you know that this guy started smoking pot again and you wish you could help but...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 5:32pm
In the beginning, don't make yourself so available to the guy. Only date occassionaly, once per week at the most. Maybe one phone call per week, just to setup a date and thats it. If he calls more than once, just screen out the calls. All the small talk about how your day went is relationship talk, its not for the dating stage of things; because you could slip into the friend zone. Its also not romantic and seductive. Keep some of the mystique early on, keep the wolf hungry. Also never tell him that you are exclusively dating him until you know for sure that he is getting more involved emotionally.

If you withold the physical element in the beginning, then he will know, (unless he is a jackass), that you want a serious relationship. The sooner you give it up to him, the less serious he will think you are.

The other factor is timing. Its usually a red flag if you meet someone shortly after they have ended a significant relationship. Don't go overboard for someone who is still recovering.

He probably has some interest in you; moderate or low I am not sure. Most guys I know, don't waste their time getting to know a girl just to be friends. Its usually not a guy thing to actively pursue women for friends.