healing...sooooo slow..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
healing...sooooo slow..
8
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:34pm
hi, here i am, back again in need of your advice.

after the break-up with ex i did (and do) everything to move on. 5 months passed

and yet i often feel that i'm back to square one. him and i used to be best friends before it became something more and now, ever since the break up i've been ignoring and avoiding him, cutting off contact in order to heal. i was never rude and explained him that i need time before we can communicate again. yet.. he writes me often and i can't force myself to block him away. he used to be my best buddy and the first guy i ever fell for..

i started looking at other guys - no crushes, they seem impossible at this point, but at least enjoying the flirt and time out with them. but he is always in my head, i can't stop thinking about it all no matter what. even my yoga class doesn't help! lol

i guess the biggest reason is that we ended the relationship not because one of us cheated or felt we were not compatible. but coz we live thousands of miles away from each other and LDR is hard..

all these months i had this stupid hope in my head that one day, very very soon, he'll fly over here and tell me he is prepared to do it all for love, just to be with me. stupid, i know...

need someone to bring me back to my senses, to tell me that it's all silly and that time will heal me..

i'm losing my faith..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 3:29pm

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you are NOT doing "everything" to move on, if you're allowing him to keep contacting you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 3:39pm
Sometimes cutting off contact doesn't help heal either... I still have some feelings for an ex that I was head-over-heels for despite the fact that I have no communication with him.

I believe there are some people in our lives that we date/fall for who no matter the time that passes and no matter the actions we take, we will always have some residual feelings for... Call me crazy, but that's what I'm finding.

But I do agree with Sheri--you at least need to cut off all contact. You may still have feelings and you may still be into him on some level but at least it won't keep re-opening the wound...


Edited 2/22/2004 3:46:00 PM ET by bklynchik

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 3:58pm

Yes, cutting off contact alone won't help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 5:06pm
So there is hope! :) Well I have 2 of the 3 elements so I'm hoping I can get to that point you're talking about... 3 years wow--amazing isn't it? It's really amazing how long your heart will hold on to someone...

So are you now in a new relationship if you don't mind me asking? Have you been in love since him?

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 5:33pm

Yes, I've been in love once since him, and unfortunately I'm not completely over THAT guy yet :-(.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:55pm
Thank you. :) You've made me realize a few things...

As for the guy who keeps calling, I guess you'll just have to cut to it and tell him bye bye. It's so annoying though hey? The ones you really want go AWOL and the ones you don't just keeping going and going... sorta like the Energizer bunny! LOL.

Thanks for sharing though. You've enligthened me to a few things...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:44pm
thank you both for your replies

you are right, accepting is the hardest thing. at the back of my head i realize that him and i were just not meant to be, that meeting him was great and it changed me a lot but the one who wrote "be grateful that it happened and move on" must have been a tough person

so u think i should stop hoping that he'll do something instead of writing, tell him clearly that i want to move on and his caring notes are not welcome and jump into something new? hmmm, talk about HUGE challenge

i noticed that all my requests to him about no contact were indirectly screaming "come back!". no good. if he wanted he'd do it long time ago, right? if he really loved me, he'd never give up, yes? love conquers it all, doesn't it?

crazy, i sound like a 5 year old child


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:06pm
I used to think that love conquered all but I've come to realize that sometimes life gets in the way. It all depends on the person and how they've been raised, what they believe, what their experiences have been, etc. The thing is--you can't change him. You can't hope for him to be someone he's not because you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

With my ex I just had to tell him nicely to please stop calling me and that I'd get in touch with him when my feelings were dead. I was honest with him and told him that I still had feelings for him and couldn't keep going in the pattern we were in. Well up until this point he's respected that. I think if you put it across in a way where you're nice but honest and firm, he'll listen. I think it's also important to not do that "never call me" thing because in most people, that just brings out the tendency to grasp on to whatever they can--similar to telling a kid that they can't have candy, so what do they do?

You don't have to go out and find a new man yet either. Just take time for yourself, reflect on what happened, spend time with friends, spend time with a hobby you've neglected, whatever it is.

But yes, I would stop hoping for him to arrive an an epiphany and realize you are the one. You're just going to torture yourself. As you said, if he wanted to come back he would have. If he wanted to work through whatever is stopping him, he would. He still might, who knows. But take care of yourself in the meantime and start the healing process...

Good luck. Keep us posted.