guy's behvior

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
guy's behvior
10
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:22pm
I've been trying to play it cool with this guy I've met a couple of months ago and I don't know if I'm playing way too cool that he may be losing interest in me or just thinks that I'm not interested enough to pursue. I'm afraid to scare him off by letting him know that I like him way too early on. There are times when he contacts me constantly then he stops and I don't hear from him for days, even for two weeks! If a guy has a mild interest in a girl, how do you raise that guy's interest level to a high interest? How does a guy behave if he justs has a mild interest vs. a guy who has high interest? How do we know if a guy clicks with a girl? How do guys behave when they are just playing it cool or just being passive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:49pm
In my experience when a man is interested in dating me with an eye towards a relationship, he calls me consistently - usually in the beginning once or twice a week to see me usually once a week. He does not disappear for days or weeks at a time and is reliable in making and keeping plans. If a man didn't call me for a week with no explanation or emergency I likely would lose interest in him - to me it is important to see each other about once a week to keep up the continuity and get to know each other. If someone calls me constantly I see a red flag and also get turned off, if this happens in the beginning. I don't try to raise a man's interest in me - I am warm, friendly, and appreciative and reliable and consistent and I am who I am - either he is interested or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:24pm
Perhaps he is not calling you or persuing you during those times because you are playing it so cool that he feels he is "chasing you" and that YOU are not interested in him, and he is trying to see if he backs off, if you will take the initiative to contact him to show that you ARE interested, or he may just be getting frustrated and considering the relationship not worth the chase if there is no positive reaction from you.

Just a thought

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:32pm

Is this the same guy you've been posting about for some time now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:17pm
No. Thanks for remembering and your concern. That guy, as it turns out, went back to this on and off ex-girlfriend. It turns out that he is somewhat commitment phobic. We are still friends, I think. I've learned to move on. So from that experience, I'm trying a different approach and not get all caught up like the last time. This other guy I met over the holidays through another friend of mine at a Christmas party. Since we are both architects, our mutual friend though that it might be a good match. I became instantly interested in him and I had the same feeling from him, but before we could exchange numbers, one of my girlfriends abruptly pulled me away from him to talk to someone else and did not get a second chance to talk to him that night. I asked our mutual friend to give him my number.

Anyway, he sends me an e-mail. We e-mail back and forth for about a week and he asks me out for coffee. Then, the last three times for dinner all at his invitation except for the third date, I asked him to join some friends of mine. We've been out four times since I've met him. I'm trying to keep a cool head about this and treat this as a friendship first and get to know him better. We haven't kissed yet. I have a hard time keeping eye contact with him because I don't want to fall too fast. At the end of all of our dates, we have awkward moments. I always thank him and don't know what to say from then on. I get nervous and dash out of the car. I don't think we know what to say to each other except 'catch you later' or 'talk to you later'. I like him and don't want to lose him which is what I am afraid might be happening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:20pm
Thanks for your response. Per your advice..."If a man didn't call me for a week with no explanation or emergency I likely would lose interest in him - to me it is important to see each other about once a week to keep up the continuity and get to know each other."

So, I should take it as a red flag if the guy doesn't call me at least once a week and make plans to see me? Which is something he is doing--not calling me once a week and making plans. Doesn't that usually happen when a person wants a serious relationship? So, I guess I should read his actions as someone who really doesn't want a relationship but just dating casually? You've made a very good point about keeping up the continuity in seeing each other and getting to know each other. I'm not sure what to do now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:40pm
The last time I dated someone casually was 9 years ago when I was 28 - he called me and took me out about once a week other than when he was away on business and then he told me he would be away. I am not familiar with dating that is casual in the sense of not seeing each other consistently - to me casual dating is when you are not exclusive and even after a few months are still not exclusive but still seeing each other.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:55am

Glad to hear it's not the same guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 8:38pm
Ms. Caveofemptiness:

How are you darling?

I feel your pain and sympathize with you very much. First of all, it is hard to give you advice since I don't know your age- but I will surmise that you are 19- 24 yrs of age. You want to know how to tell if a guy is really interested in you and not just "playing" or being "unofficially uncool"! (Sorry,couldn't help it.) Guys who like the girls or women in their lives will let you know unless he is incredibly shy, young, or not experienced. Now, "players" will tell you things that you are like,"wow this is too cool" and it probably is. They will say things like, " how much they appreciate your openess, you are so nice( and that is not bad but if they keep referring to it like your always Mother Theresa- they are are in shock that you have not caught them in the act of bullcrapping) and they always want to talk to you about their ex-girlfriend(s). Now, I understand that guys do have a "thing" about being"cool" but- when a MAN LIKES a WOMAN HE WILL MOST DEFINATELT LET HER KNOW! Now, I don't know if you are sending him some mixed signals, and that would be a help to know, such as what you do when he stares at you for a longer period of time than normal, and does he do it when you ask him a personal question, about something he likes, his friends, etc. But, you must let him know you are interested in him by ALWAYS LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE WHEN HE OR YOU SPEAKS- there is a hormone in both sexes- and please forgive me- I at this point cannot remember the name of it- it is at home- but there is a hormone that humans produce when in love -or when THEY THINK THEY ARE IN LOVE- yes when they think they are in love- and that is caused by looking in the other person's eyes and not looking away- it triggers the brain into thinking that the last time they felt in love was when someone had looked so deeply into their eyes,and it always works, I also found this from one of the dating experts on Ivillage, and I did print it out so I can email a copy to you tomorrow. But, I am going to suggest that you start with this small and most effective task- stare him in the eyes and lightly touch his forearms and his kneecap when appropriate! Nothing more and nothing less! If he does not respond, I would GENTLY ask him if he is dating/seeing someone at the moment and if not then let him know you really like him and would like to get to know him more personally and initmately. Be gentle and a "tender openess" will always get a man to be more gentle back to you. Be sincere, and hey if you blush- all the more better- you will be glowing with a radiance he will never forget and find irresistable! Be yourself and pretend you are telling yourself what you would like to hear from someone else in this situation- let's face it- we all go over the lines of what he said and she said- we know them by heart- but pretend you are doing this to yourself- what would you want to hear and how would you liked to be asked? My dera dear caveofemptiness- I hope for God's sake that you change your name real soon- this very bad luck wearing around you and you are not a cave of emptiness if you are asking for advice! Be happy, young, and Live your Life, my dear one! You are the key to your destiny!!! Sincerely, Amber_elle04@yahoo.com (heather in los angeles, ca)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:52am
Hope you don't mind to get a guy's opinion here. From the replies, I can't agree more that if he is interested, he will call and try to schedule things. On the note of being scared off..... Well, again if he is interested, that will be almost impossible to do. My current relationship started off rough, and was on and off as friends and then more than for about four months. But I fought for it because I wanted this girl as more than a friend. We would talk just about everyday, at work or after. So I guess that adds to the not getting scared off by having to much interaction, even early on. I will admit, that it was tiresome playing the cat and mouse game, and that many times I wanted to walk away, but every time I started she opened up more and acted more interested in me. And now we are talking about moving in together. I started a discussion on that, and maybe I can get some great replies just like you have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:09am
Thanks for all your posts. They are all insightful. We've have been seeing each other for the past two weekends so far and am having a great time with him just laughing and joking around. He has asked me out and I have also taken the initiative to ask him out. Although I'm not quite sure what is interested level is right now. He doesn't seem express his feelings very well. He just says that he has fun hanging out with me. He hasn't even tried to kiss me yet. He seems like a real nice sweet gentleman. Although,I think he is a bit insecure and is afraid to express his opinions and sometimes he seems a bit tense. Maybe he is nervous? Is that a bad sign? How do I bring up the feelings if he seems awkward talking about it? Is it too soon to even talk about this? Thanks in advance for your opinions.