Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2002
Friend
8
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:17pm
Here is the background information: I have known this guy since we were 14 working at McDonald's. I kind of figured he liked me then (which he now admits to), but we were both too shy to talk any more than a little joking around at work. I have seen him occasionally during the past five years when I went grocery shopping because he currently works at the grocery store, and we always at least say hi or joke around a little. We are 19 right now and he will be transferring to my college in a year or two (he's going to a local extension right now, but that is only for the general education requirements). I invited him to come visit me where I attend college (1.5 hours from where he lives) and he came for the whole day. He started by putting his arm around me while we were watching a movie. I leaned foreward because I was getting a little stiff from sitting still for that long on a hard floor, and he started rubbing his hand up and down my back. I felt like my whole body was on fire. I couldn't resist letting him touch me because it felt so good--and it has been quite a while since I have met a guy that wasn't afraid to come within 3 feet of me. He later kissed me but I didn't kiss him back. I was surprised at this, but I didn't say anything at the time. I had him stay the night because the roads were icy and I didn't want him to drive home in those conditions. He said that he would sleep in his car, but there is no way I'd let any of my friends sleep in their car while I have space for them. I grabbed my extra blankets and said he could set it up however he wanted to one the floor (I live in a dorm room, so no sofa). We talked some the next morning, and I took him back to his car. We hugged before he left. I think we can be really good friends because we seem to understand each other extremely well, but I don't think I want to be more than friends with him at this time.

I have a few questions: Am I sending him mixed signals? Why does it feel so good when he touches me when I don't think I want to be more than friends with him? How do I keep myself from seeking the feeling he gave me when he did touch me? How do we stay friends when one of us wants something more? I am open to any other helpful comments, so please do try to help!!! Thank you...


Edited 2/23/2004 1:08:49 PM ET by tweetyness

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2002
In reply to: tweetyness
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:55pm
I know my initial post is long, but I really need some input on this. Please, someone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tweetyness
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:17pm
Well, why don't you want to be anything more than friends with him? Do you think that you don't have much in common, or that you have dissimilar values, or is there something else about him that makes him unsuitable to date? If you really don't want to date him, then you'll have to let him know that you only want to be friends should he ask you out, and make it clear that touching and kissing are off limits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
In reply to: tweetyness
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:43pm
Let me understand...you want the pleasure of his physical affection towards you but you do not want your relationship with him to go beyond friendship, correct?

I think physical contact, especially one that is warm and sincere, and from someone you know or feel safe with always feels good. It is a gesture that connects two people with mutual goodwill.

Some people are naturally tactile -- they touch, hug, or make other gestures of physical contact to express themselves or connect with others. The context is also important. Personally, I would only welcome such gestures (and respond in kind) from/with people I feel really close to and comfortable with.

Are you romantically/sexually attracted to him? I think the sensations are heightened if you are.

To respond to your questions:

1) "Am I sending him mixed signals?" You may be. But that's from *his* point of view. What makes *you* think that you could be sending mixed signals? Clearly, if your friend is that affectionate towards you, and in fact kissed you, but didn't follow it up with a reaction, he may wonder if you welcome it or not, if it was or wasn't a big deal. Since he does not know, your behavior could confuse him, especially if *he* knows that he wants more than just friendship.

2) "Why does it feel so good when he touches me when I don't think I want to be more than friends with him?" See my above.

3) "How do I keep myself from seeking the feeling he gave me when he did touch me?" When you stop and stick with it. You know how it felt like so its absence makes you miss it. If you define your physical boundaries with him, then maybe you can convince your mind/body/sensations that you do not need to feel it with *him* and that you can stop yourself from seeking it.

Maybe you also need to ask yourself if that experience is because of your personal need for physical affection and intimacy...that he awakened those feelings in you which you now long for. You can't suppress feelings. The question is, do you want *him* to fulfill those for you, or from someone you would be open and willing to share the same intimacies with?

4) "How do we stay friends when one of us wants something more?" Who are you referring to as wanting more...you or him? It doesn't really matter because it will be VERY difficult to stay friends when one wants something more. There will just be disappointment, frustration, and sometimes resentment that are not healthy in a relationship or personal well-being because of unfulfilled expectations. It's also not fair to either party because there is no sense of being on the same emotional page.

Be honest with yourself and with what you want with this friend. Define your boundaries and be willing to accept the consequences of whatever choice you make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2002
In reply to: tweetyness
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:06pm
I'm sorry, I forgot one of the most important parts...he asked me out on the way to his car and I said no because I want to get to know him a little more before committing to any relationship past friendship. He wants more, and I don't know what I want. It was kind of a surprise to me. This is the first time we've spent together outside of some sort of a work environment, and he asked me out and said that he has wanted to for five years. It seems we have quite a bit in common, but it doesn't feel right at this time. I don't know if I am romantically/sexually attracted to him. As far as mixed signals, I'm just worried about hurting him and not realizing that I'm doing it. He also mentioned that he would rather live in a fantasy world where he was happy than live in reality. I'm not sure if that was because I turned him down or what...I'm so confused!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
In reply to: tweetyness
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:30pm
So what is there to be confused about if you know that it is not right for you to have something more with him?

You can't protect *his* feelings or reactions as long as you are honest with your own.

He'd rather live in a fantasy where he was happy than in reality?!?!? Do you want to be with someone like that? Frankly, I think that he needs to grow up and really explore and define what he wants.

That's the same for you. You are both young and will experience a lot of seemingly confusing thoughts and feelings as you go on with your lives and the passage of growing up (which doesn't really cease). Learn from them and seize them as opportunities to learn about yourself -- what you want and don't want, what you find acceptable and not.

I think your confusion stems from caring too much on what he thinks/feels. That's considerate to a certain extent, but if doing so makes you lose yourself in doing what is right and healthy for *you*, then you will remain in a fog of confusion.

You said, "It seems we have quite a bit in common, but it doesn't feel right at this time. " Do you feel *obligated* to be his friend then because of this commonality? And since you know that he wants more (which you don't), you fear that you will hurt him and consequently lose the friendship?

You can't "save" anything that isn't workable. Perhaps both of you need to grow apart for a while, and in time, if it's meant to be you will *both* be ready to transform the friendship into something more at a mature level. That's all an "if", of course.

Enjoy your life. There's more to it than worrying about him.

And if you say that you don't know what you want, this is the best time to start finding out.








Edited 2/23/2004 7:37:01 PM ET by carmelsf

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2002
In reply to: tweetyness
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:55pm
I thank you for reminding me to care about myself before other people. I have a habit of looking out for other people first. Sorry, but this is going to be another long one...

I don't feel obligated to be his friend--I want to be his friend, and I just want to be able to say no to a deeper relationship until we have at least been friends for a little longer. As I mentioned before, we have known each other for 5 years, but we have only talked personally this one day that we spent together. I do fear losing the budding friendship if I hurt him. I really want to be friends with him right now because he seems to understand me pretty well and is willing to listen and I actually trust him (which is not terribly common). I'm not sure how we can take time to grow apart when we have barely begun any sort of a friendship/relationship.

I tried making a list of all the things I'd want in a guy I'd date, and he seems to fit the description, so why does it not feel right? I guess that's another part of it.

I have been wondering about starting friendships with some other people (some guys), and I wonder what affect that may have on this situation. I keep thinking that I am looking for a more quiet, shy man, but perhaps I am seeking the wrong kind of person? How can I figure out what I am really looking for and how I feel about certain people? Does it just take experience? In which case, how do people date without first having been friends? I'm not sure how the dating thing really works because most of the marriages I know details about, it was both partners' first serious relationship--hence no real time dating a variety of people. All the people who have dated a variety of people are alone, whether divorced or still single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
In reply to: tweetyness
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:06am
That's the point of dating...to find out if you are compatible with someone you would want to be in a relationship with. And people date without necessarily being friends first, as there are people who start out as friends and then move on to a dating relationship.

Question: If he asks you for a date, would you accept? Only *you* know if he may be a "date-able" person for you, and if you *are* willing to take the chance.

If, on the other hand, you emphatically say you *want* to be *just* friends with him, then *act* like a friend -- be there for him but establish your boundaries for yourself. Friendship does not need to be compromised when growing apart. It just means that you both live your separate lives...meeting and dating others, going to school, exploring a major field of study, pursuing a hobby, etc. You can still be friends throughout this period of growth and discovery, and if *real* friendship is there, you would be happy for each other and support one another's goals and best interests without having to doubt at all that you may be "hurting" the other person. I think hurt feelings only happen if there are unfulfilled expectations about the friendship.

If you say that you are just beginning a friendship, then be clear on how you *define* it. I am aware of the so called "friends-with-benefits" (FWB) scenario, which in its simplistic sense, friendship with non-committal sex/physical relationship. Personally, it's not for me and it really blurs the strict definition of friendship. For me, either a man is a friend or a romantic interest/potential. And even if I may be attracted to a friend beyond platonic, I'd keep it in my head/to myself and NOT act on it by being clear about my boundaries....and letting him know about them as well.

You *really* have to pin down why it (a relationship beyond friendship) "doesn't feel right" with him.

And people have their own individual dating philosophies and practices based on experience, personality, or preference. There is no one way to date, otherwise, this board would be irrelevant! Do what works for you and if you're still not sure, the only way to know is to do it.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2002
In reply to: tweetyness
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:40am
Thank you for your input. I have put a lot of thought into this (though I should probably have devoted some of it to homework:) ), and I think I will let it be that I only want a friendship and I will hope that that can work. If it doesn't, at least I was completely honest with him and myself. If it doesn't feel right, then there must be something missing even if I don't know exactly what it is. Perhaps I don't really feel physically attracted to him and I only responded to his physical closeness because I had been lacking that with anyone for so long that it was nice just to have someone not afraid to be within three feet of me--I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with him in particular. I have also talked this over with my cousin, and she agrees that all of the things I listed are completely reasonable and that if it doesn't feel right, even if a guy fits the list, something isn't there that needs to be. I think I will try to talk to some of the other people I would like to get to know better and hope for the best. Perhaps I will come back to this board for advice on that in a few weeks:).

-tweety-