I feel sooo sad-where do I go from here?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I feel sooo sad-where do I go from here?
6
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:53am
Hello Everyone-

This will be kinda long so i'm sorry in advance...

I'm 23 and have been dating this guy,R,who is 22,for about 3 months now. The story on how we met and started dating is kind of weird. I'll try to make it short-I was dating my ex,M,for over a year. We had had problems and really didn't know what I wanted.While I was dating M,my friend Lauren and I went to a club one night and we left kind of earlier than usual to go home. We went to a gas station and we ran into her "friend" Doug and R was there with him. R was attracted to me and we all went to shoot pool and I rode with R and we talked a bit,I was intrigued by him some how. He also knew M from High School. After we went to shoot pool,Lauren and I left to go home,and R gave me his number.I never called R when I was dating M. Well After M and I broke up about 4 months ago,I decided to call R,just curious if he remembered me and he did. We talked for almost a week on the phone,then we went out on a date. We really liked eachother and seemed to get along great. We also had a lot in common,I just felt this was too good to be true.A friend of mine,Jason,called me and I told him that R and I are dating(he knew R from school and from other people).When I told Jason about R,he was in shock,he told me that R is a player and that R would hurt me later on,and made other comments about him that weren't so nice.Keep in mind that Jason likes me and also lies alot so you never know when to believe him. I was really upset after that,and confronted R about it. R then got really pi$$ed off that Jason said that. I felt a little paranoid about what Jason said even though R swore up and down that he's not a player.I guess I analyzed it too much,because I remember R telling me that his relationships havn't lasted longer than 7 months. His sister even told me that's not true,that he really likes me.Around x-mas time,R got me a ring,nothing special. He seemed like he really wanted to be with me and he even said he loved me but I wasn't sure if I loved him as well.

A month or two after,I was going through a confused period,I didn't know what I wanted. I ended up sleeping with an ex of mine,Mil,who I kept in contact with after I broke up with M. I thought nothing more than friends of Mil,but he liked me and wanted to date me. After that,I felt extremely guilty and told R about it a day later.R was upset,but he didn't fly off the handle and call me names or anything. I let him decide if he still wanted to be with me,and he said yes,that people can have second chances. After that,he told me that we won't have sex again until I decide what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be with. I decided that I wanted to give R a chance. I even started to fall in love with him,things seemed almost perfect. My parents liked him(my parents didn't like M when I was dating him),my friends liked him and even his parents and sister liked me.

A month ago,we had a pregnancy scare,but I turned out to not be pregnant and R didn't seem weird about the whole thing,just a little scared if I was. Then recently,we had an accident w/ the condom,and I was paranoid that I was pregnant. For almost a month I felt like I had the signs of pregnancy. This time I knew it was bothering him,freaking him out. He told me that if I was,then everything will be ok and work out and I could even move in with him at his parents house If I had to.

This past week,I was having really bad pms(which I thought could've been pregnancy) with extreme mood swings,and because of my bit*hiness,I would be mean to him w/out trying to be. Everything and everyone seemed to irritate me. Valentine's day was we were fine,but the day after we weren't. We were planning on going to the aquarium on V-day but I wasn't feeling well,so we decided to go the day after. Well I ended up getting up late,so we had limited time to go. He was going to a concert that night,so we would've had to be back by 3,which left us no time to go to the aquarium. Well I got irritated by that,like I was mad that he was going to the concert.I argued with him on the phone but he didn't want to argue with me so we got off the phone. Later on I relaized how bad I was acting. The next day I apoligized to him and he said that it's ok but it seems like I get mad at him when I dont get my way. After that,he didn't seem the same. On my birthday this past wednesday,I was again having mood swings but this time I was more emotional than pi$$y,I was crying on and off all day with no apparent reason. R came over that night to be with me and he brought me gifts as well. I was acting like a stubborn spoiled brat,that I now realized. I acted like I didn't appreciate his gifts even though I realy did he naturally he was upset with that. He had to leave early(he was only over for 2 hours) because he was on call for work(he's been working alot of OT lately and that upset me as well that I didn't get to see him as much),and of course I gave him an attitude about that and started crying again. He told me I act like I didn't even want him there at all. He left and I wouldn't give him a kiss or hug,even when he said I love you I didn't respond. I felt so horrible after that.

We went out on friday,he seemed a little withdraweled but I didn't think much of it. Later on he seemed to act normal again,I guess after drinking. The next day(I got my monthly so I knew I wasn't pregnant),I didn't hear from him all day until that night,and he said he was working all day,which I believe. He didn't seem real talkitive on the phone,so I knew something was up. I finally dragged it out of him what was bothering him.He said that the whole pregnancy things has scared him and he's been doing some thinking. He said that he's not ready to have a child and neither am I,and he said hhe would've wanted me to abort the baby if I was,even though he never said anything about abortion before. He said when you know you can't support a child,then you should abort it. That made me really upset. He said that he needs space and time to think because he doesn't know what he wants. Everything that came out of him was a "I don't know". He told me that the pregnancy scare made him think if he really wants this,I don't know if he meant a relationship with me or possible fatherhood. I asked him if he loves me and he said "well I like you,but..." I feel like he's been lying to me all this time that he loved me. I asked him if I would see him again and he said yea. I told him to not give up on me and he said he won't. He was really quiet the whole time too,not talking much. He had to go but I asked if I would hear from again and he said yea,i'll give you a call later. He called later and didn't say much again. I told him to not give up on me and he said he wouldn't. He had to go and he didn't say when or if he would call again,he just said bye,not his usual "I love you". Since last night I havn't heard from him since. I feel so empty inside and hurt. I miss him so much. I wanted to call him so badly tonight but I stopped myself and thought that I need to give him his space,if this is what he wants. I don't know if he didn't call me today because I didn't call him,or because he didn't want to.

How can a pregnancy scare change his heart so fast?? Things were fine only a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if I should give him space and wait to see if he'll come around or take it as a "bye" and move on.I don't know if I should call him a few days later if he doesn't call me. I really did think we had a good thing. Please help me!

--Confused and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:48am
I am sorry to tell you that you are the problem ... not the pregnancy scare. Ever since you started dating him you have been by your own admission pissy, whining, and confrontational. That is what is giving him second thought and it would give anyone second thought. I am sure you are a wonderful person otherwise. But if I were you ... I would drop the attitude. It would kill anyones love for you.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:19pm
I understand that I have attitude problems,but i'm not always like this. I'm just asking what do do from here,should I give him space or move on? Do you think he'll come around??

--Confused

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:50pm
hey gurl,

okay I think that it would be okay to call him and tell him how you feel and everything,BUT you should let him know that you know that you have some porblems that need to be worked on (the attitude..) I think he does care about you, but he may also be thinking that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with someone who seems very unhappy. I would call him and let him know how you are feeling. Best of lucky hun, and i am shure things will work out in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:24pm
It sounds like you have spent too much time playing games, being manipulative, being careless about birth control and cheating on this person and I do not blame him for wanting to throw in the towel. I suggest you get the birth control patch since clearly you don't know how to handle responsible birth control and you don't seem stable enough in any way to be a mother or be married (i.e. faithful). He may not be perfect - and perhaps he is a "player" but you seem to give as good as you get, including dumping your feelings of guilt on him when you are the one who cheated and the one who of course had to deal with the repercussions without subjecting him to it.

A change in attitude to me would be you leaving him alone so he can meet someone who knows how to behave when interacting with another human being in a relationship.


Edited 2/23/2004 3:25:36 PM ET by deena33

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:21pm
You didn't say how old you two are, but maybe that is a factor as well. Also, you said that you two have been dating for three months? I think that if you are cheating within the first three months, you have some issues that definitely need to be addressed IMO. Kudos to Deena for suggesting you try a more reliable form of birth control, although I think that until you are able to handle the emotional ramifications and consequences of a sexual relationship, maybe abstinence would be key. Perhaps you need to take some time to reevaluate yourself. You seem to hop from one guy to the next. Try just being single for a little while.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:30am
Deena,

I know how to use birth control, and mistakes do happen even if you use birth control. R did call me yesterday and we talked. It seems like we're ok again. I re-evaluated my attitude and for now on things will be different for R and I. He told me that maybe he IS falling in love with me and that's scaring him. I told him that we should take it day by day.