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| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:36pm |
First: A.C. has A LOT of “girl” friends. To clarify…most (if not all) of his friends are girls – and he really only hangs out with one close guy friend (whom I knew in college and he was a slut then and a slut now) It really kind of bothers me…A.C. is a beautiful, educated, sensitive guy…and I can’t believe that none of these girls (he admits that one or two might like him but they don’t live in our state and he isn’t interested) have any interest in him. According to A.C. even his best guy friend asks him what the deal is with all the female friends and asks if he is messing around with any of them – and if not, why not. A.C. swears that they are all just friends…and I totally want to believe him…I have male friends…but a few of them became friends after failed attempts at dating BUT my closest friend are female…not male.
Second: A.C. hasn’t told his best guy friend that we are dating. When I asked him why this past weekend…he said that the B.F. hasn’t asked him if he is seeing anyone so he hasn’t mentioned it to him. They work together and go out to the clubs on either Friday or Saturday night but the subject of him dating someone hasn’t come up…A.C. says it is because the B.F. is self-centered (TRUE). However, A.C. said that he has told several of his “girl” friends about me – none of whom I have met. One of the people he apparently told is a girl I will call Lacey – she is a beautiful go-go dancer (not stripper) whom he goes out to clubs and parties with – he says she isn’t his type and he isn’t hers (most of this information is told to me w/o me asking.)
Third: A.C. goes to clubs a lot. Either with the B.F., Lacey…or even by himself. He says that he has to run interference for the B.F. at the clubs because he has fooled around with so many women that when he wants to talk to one A.C. has to help keep some of the others at bay (we live in Honolulu, so the everyone seems to know everyone). He also gets invited to these “exclusive” by invitation parties, which he attends with Lacey or by himself. The newspaper runs photos of some of these parties and I can’t believe how beautiful the women are and how they are dressed. He hasn’t asked me to go to any of these parties or clubs with him either and the impression I get is he probably won’t.
Just a little background information…I have been cheated on virtually every boyfriend. I don’t have a great body image or self-esteem level. I am not thin but not really heavy either…but my weight has always been a personal issue. I have been working on my self-esteem and body image issues and am trying hard not to lose my self-identity when I get involved with someone. I tend to make negative comments about myself and point out my flaws and insecurities. A.C. called me on it one day and told me that it was to a point that he wouldn’t want to see me anymore if I didn’t stop putting myself down – but he likes me and cares about me and wasn’t ready to give up on my yet. So I have been working extremely hard at not beating myself up anymore and to realize that I am worthy of love and affection and have qualities that men are attracted to – including being attractive.
A.C. told me this weekend that when he went to dinner this past week with one of his many “girl” friends he told her that I am probably the most selfless person he has ever met…she told him that he deserves someone like me in his life to treat him well…he has had his heart broken before…and apparently gave a lot of himself and gave lots of little gifts and tokens to his past girlfriends – but I haven’t gotten anything. I don’t want stuffed animals or flowers…what I want is to be appreciated and I really enjoy the small things – like him coming to my office just to say hi (we work across the street from each other), or walking me to the gym after work…which he did once or twice before but hasn’t done in a while – says he is too busy.
I just don’t what to make of all of this. I know I am over-analyzing but I am worried. Any thoughts you would like to share would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

What kind of dating arrangement do you have with him?
I agree with NWW...if you are thinking LTR, you may have to look elsewhere. But who knows? You two sound like you are in your early 20s...when clubbing is a higher priority in life. I have many guy friends...and only two female friends. But any guy I date can see why: all of my interests are "guy" things...ie, sports & politics. So they understand why I want to spend time with men - and I always make an effort to INCLUDE my guy. That is crucial for building trust. Any thing is, you have to be able to communicate how you are feeling to this guy. Express your concerns. If its too soon to do (I don't know how MUCH dating you've done, two months doesn't mean anything if you've rarely seen each other)...then its too soon for you to be worrying! If its not too soon - SPEAK UP! Voice YOUR needs! If it scares him away or he doesn't want to talk about - then he's not the guy for you. Another thing is, I've had some bfs who felt the need to tell me exactly what is considered "appropriate" and "inappropriate" behaviour between male/female friendships. Example: I hope you don't talk to your guy friends like that~! when I've made a sexual comment or innuendo....then I'll say, nope - I save it all for you! Which tells me what he is or isn't comfortable with...and allows me to agree (or disagree) in a non-confrontational, fun way.
Good luck Go.