Really Scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Really Scared
6
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 5:59pm
Hi,

I'm 20 and just started dating a guy who I was so excited asked me out. We've been seeing each other twice a week for 3 weeks now. Recently I've been feeling extremely close to him. He always looks into my eyes and I have to look away because I start to cry. We haven't had any serious talks yet. The problem is, every time he gets into his car and leaves I feel like its going to be the last time that I ever see him again. He says he will call but until he does I am completetly non funtional. I try to find things to do but I can't even seem to get my homework done until he calls me and i am relieved. Our date will go amazing and I'll feel like he feels the same connection but literally as soon as he drives away I start to cry and feel like maybe/possibly he doesn't. What can I do? Is it too soon to have a serious conversation with him? I think it is but I'm driving myself CRAZY worrying that'll end. I'm crying right now listening to R&B love songs (joe) which I never do. I know this is something very real on my side. How can I make sure it is on his also?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:15pm
Hon, all that is happening is "feelings".

You want so badly, so desperately to be loved, to be in a relationship, to be safe, secure, happy, content, blissful and successful - you're terrified of being "an adult on your own" - and this guy's desire for you makes you feel so "positive" about yourself when you're with him - you're just as polar oppositional devastated when you're not.

You can't imagine how life would be without him...here's the thing, he doesn't feel that way. Feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. To him, it's a great date, a great lay if you're having sex, it is having fun, sex, and companionship. He's not thinking about a future - quite likely.

And all this "I need a relationship, a man, a source of salvation, success and security" - that's codependently dysfunctional and it's why you're "freezing in terror" when he's not around. If he latches onto you in this state - it's not because he tenderly loves you and wants to become a great individual and with his love, acceptance, and assistance you will be...it's because you're a doormat, willling to do whatever he wants, however he wants - in order to keep in your life and thus some "functionality" in your day.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:35pm
You cant tell if he is feeling something. Only his actions can tell you that. But if you are nonfunctional until he calls, this doesnt sound too healthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:54am
It doesn't sound real to me as far as a real connection - it sounds like you are really insecure and he is just the focus of your insecurity - those "deep" feelings are about you, not about him. You will know in 6-9 months whether the two of you have long term potential - at the earliest - till then, yes, you have to be the kind of person who does have her own fulfilling and fun life and interests - whatever they are - or else your neediness and clinginess (which does not mean you have loving feelings for him as opposed to feeling insecure) will reveal itself in some way and he may head for the hills. He deserves to be with a woman who feels reasonably secure and confident - mooning over love songs is cute and charming to a certain degree but at some point you will be more in love with love and your image of him rather than him and that's also not fair to him, a human being with flaws like we all have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:53pm
You really need to calm down. :) Repeat after me.

There are plenty of other men out there.

I have only known __ for three weeks.

I'm 20 and have plenty of time to find "the one."

My life will go on just fine if he never calls again.

There are plenty of other men out there.

There are plenty of other men out there.

There are plenty of other men out there.

Repeat until you believe it. It's all true, I swear! :)

I am totally serious, by the way. You barely know this guy, yet you cry when he leaves and can't concentrate on anything until he calls? Doesn't sound healthy to me at all. Sounds to me like you are making him the center of your life - as if nothing else matters. Well, other things DO matter. School is important. Doing well in school will help you get a good job which will help you support yourself and your family.

Most men find some degree of independence attractive in a woman. Most men don't WANT to be the center of the life of a woman who they have been dating for only 3 weeks, and those who do have problems.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:29pm
Thank You for the part to recite. That actually helped a lot after just saying it once! I think my problem is that I've wanted to be in love again for a very long time after my last breakup. When I broke up with my first love of 3 yrs it was devastating. I dated several guys after for over a yr and couldn't find a connection no matter how hard I tried. I've finally found someone who I can fall in love with again and I don't want to have to keep searching. Its not that I necessarily NEED a guy in my life, I just want to be in love again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:51pm
Just take your time. You'll never regret taking things slowly. Being in love is a great thing, but there's no need to rush. If he's the right guy, then he'll be around for awhile - and if he isn't, then he won't.

Good luck! :)