Entreprenuers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Entreprenuers
11
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:50pm
In December 2002, I met the most wonderful, wonderful man. At that time, I had just turned 38 and he was approaching his 41st birthday in April. Neither one of us has ever been married. (I was a late bloomer and am also practicing “chaste” courtships since becoming a practicing Catholic in my early 30’s). Neither one of us could get over how much we had in common. We began to fall in love.

A month into our relationship, this gentleman explained to me that he was an entrepreneur. He spent most of his life working for the federal government in Washington, D.C. Born in Western Mass., he choose to move back to Massachusetts 8 years ago to be close to his family. He has a wonderful family. I liked them very much and they likewise enjoyed me.

He worked in the corporate sector as an engineer for 2 years here before a friend of his asked him if he would like to start a company. They were quite successful in founding a major company in mid-1999, receiving millions of dollars of funding from venture capitalists. Unfortunately, the company filed for bankruptcy in December 2000. During this short but exhilarating ride, he accumulated more money than he ever had from previous jobs ($100,000). He bought himself a BMW ($600 month car loan + $300 insurance) to celebrate.

Realizing the wealth that could have been theirs had the company continued, he and his friend decided to start another company (disaster recovery) in January 2001. At this time, the economy was ailing and funding was scarce. Thus, over the course of the next 2.5 years, he began to invest his savings into the company to pay for salary expense and operating costs (cumulative total of $80,000). Eventually, he ran out of money and began living on credit cards.

In January 2003, he referenced $30,000 debt. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but as time progressed, I realized it was credit card debt. I wasn’t overly alarmed because he always reassured me that his company was on the verge of “taking off” and/or receiving funding via a bank loan or private investors. Also, he owned a townhouse in Washington, DC that he was hoping to sell. Thus, I assumed he would become solvent eventually. Conscious that he was tight on cash, I told him he didn’t need to take me out to expensive places or spend money that he didn’t have. A bottle of wine with take out or a home cooked meal was more than enough.

By June 2003, we were talking about getting married. I began to think “tactically” about how we could plan a wedding. I should also mention that I had lost my job in October 2002 but was doing fairly well by consulting back at my old company. I asked him, “How much credit card debt do you have?” He answered, “$40,000.” I asked him, “What? I thought you said it was $30,000.” He replied, “I thought you were okay with my financial situation.” I responded, “But how did the balance move from $30,000 to $40,000 in 5 months?” He responded, “I haven’t been getting paid and have had to charge my living expenses.” I then asked him, “How would you ever pay for anything if we did get married?” He said, “I would charge a ring or any other expenses on a zero interest credit card.” This response alarmed me.

I explained that I would rather that he paid off his credit card debt than buy me a ring on a credit card. He was disappointed, but also said, “It shouldn’t matter. You are putting money before love. My financial situation shouldn’t matter.” From this point forward, the relationship began to deteriorate. I began to withdraw from him emotionally and question his sense of priorities and responsibility. I urged him to sell the townhouse in Washington, DC. It took him 9 weeks to track down the tenant who had been living in the property for 4 years without a raise in the rent and without a lease (tenant at will). During this 9 week stretch, I felt more and more alienated from him. “Why is he dragging his feet?” Likewise, I began to question what was going on at his company.

My boyfriend felt like I was “peppering him with questions, doubting him and withdrawing from him.” He was right. I was nagging him, especially about calling the tenant. I was anxious to resolve the issue so we could plan a life together. He felt insulted that I should make an issue of his finances. “98% of the relationship was good but this one topic seemed to outweigh everything else in your mind. You had to choose what was more important: me or my finances. I felt like I had an ax over my head: ‘Fix this or I won’t love you.’” I was looking for reassuring signs that he was responsible, serious about paving the way toward marriage, willing to compromise and concerned about how his situation affected me.

By the end of the summer, I realized his company was insolvent, a common state-of-being for a start-up company. They owed the landlord over $100,000 in back rent and were on the verge of being evicted. They had only $25k of monthly revenue vs. $50k of expense. If there was enough money, he and his colleagues would get paid $1,000 a week. If not, they were not paid. The president of this 6-man operation had 5 kids, a lien on his house, his car repossessed, his cell phone shut off and threats of foreclosure against his home. He and he alone managed the company’s finances. This practice seemed unwise to me, especially since my boyfriend had his life savings invested in the company.

Things started to look brighter at the company, but my boyfriend’s financial situation continued to worsen. When his tenant declined his offer to purchase the townhouse, he tried to refinance, rolling the BMW car loan and his credit card debt into the mortgage. This took 8 weeks but failed because his credit was so bad. By now, we are into September. We had a horrible summer – me not understanding why he couldn’t/wouldn’t ask the tenant to leave so he could sell the condo, why it took so long to contact the tenant, etc… He couldn’t sell his BMW because he didn’t have enough money to buy a new car or procure a loan.

As we were breaking up, I knew the tenant had indicated that he was going to move out in December, but I didn’t want to wait any longer in the event that something else came up to queer the deal. The stress of the situation (Is this going to work or not?) was taking a toll on my physical well-being – I had dark circles under my eyes, general fatigue, headaches and bouts of vertigo in the morning.

We broke up in late October. When we last spoke (a few weeks ago), he indicated that he had in fact sold the condo, paid off all of his credit card debt ($53,000), the company was doing better ($50k revenue vs. $90k expense), but that he and his partner were fighting constantly. Many of the business deals he had hoped for in the fall had not panned out, but he said they had yet another idea that was going to “really make the business take off.” He dreams of being a millionaire.

When we spoke about our relationship, he blamed everything on me. “You weren’t supportive at all. You did not believe in me. Your emotional withdrawal was counterproductive. You associate love with money. You made me miserable.” He insisted that he was powerless to improve the situation and had to wait on external events – even the tenant’s decision to leave. Had the tenant decided to stay, he said he would have tried to refinance in the new year.

I felt horrible and apologized for all of this. I agree that I made him feel “judged” about the way he was managing his finances, especially in light of the fact that he wanted to get married. I always explained to him that I was just trying to create as much stability as possible by encouraging him to sell the condo and that his situation as it was – especially since I had not found a full-time job – was out of my comfort zone. He simply did not agree. I also pointed out that I interpreted his “procrastination and disagreement” as a lack of respect for my feelings. He never apologized to me about anything. “You need to take a big picture view of life. Nothing is perfect. I want someone who is going to be there through thick and thin.”

I would love some perspective on this. I have learned that I need to be loving, kind and supportive, regardless of the situation. I am a CPA and business analyst – someone who is adept at managing money. By digging into/focusing on his situation, I made him feel inadequate. Nonetheless, I felt that I had a right to know what was going on.

Now that we are broken up, I look back on all the good times. I feel like I blew maybe my last chance to get married and that I will never find a nicer guy – although he certainly had his foibles. He doesn’t want to get back together and give it another go. I felt like I was being totally reasonable, but he disagrees. Thoughts? Was I putting money before love? I explained to him that I was putting financial stability before marriage, but we just had very different view points. My mother thinks he was never serious about putting something together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:13pm
I think that he is projecting, big time. I think that HE is the one choosing money over love. I think it is irresponsible to buy an engagement ring on credit, esp. when he already has so much debt. I think that he lacks responsibility in general and thinks that things just "happen" to him, rather than realizing that HE chooses his own destiny. It is very strange that he claims to have had problems contacting the tenant and wouldn't have sold the condo if the tenant didn't move out. I wonder if the tenant is someone to whom your bf owes money? Something about that situation doesn't seem right.

If you and he were to get married, you would become responsible for his debts - and he sounds like he has no hesitation to rack up a lot of debt quickly. So I think you were wise to examine his financial management and attitudes and think twice about the relationship. If you had gotten married, it's hard to imagine money not being a source of continuing friction and fights.

And anytime you find yourself thinking that you will never find someone better to marry - that's when you know that you are thinking of getting back together with him for the wrong reasons. That's pure desperation speaking, and desperation is never a good basis for a life decision.


Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:15pm
You are kidding yourself if you think that finances arent a HUGE part of a relationship. You obviously had very different ideas on money, therefore, were not well suited. I think it was for the best that things did not work. Could you have imagined a lifetime of financial stress like that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:58pm
It's normal to start looking back at the good times after a breakup. Do NOT let that cloud your vision. The reasons you broke up were valid and they still exist, even if you miss his companionship, etc.

Finances are a major part of a relationship and if the 2 people don't have the same goal and outlook re: finance management, look out! Problems, problems, problems. My opinion is that you did the right thing. Unless he "hits it big" one day as an entrepreneur you as a couple would probably spend your life in debt. Some people don't have a problem with that, others do. But in a successful relationship you both need to be on the same page with that one way or another.

IMO the type of life he leads is full of debt, risk, doubt, uncertainty, stress and maybe if he's lucky some excitement. If you're not into that, then steer clear. He might be a great guy, but that doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, if you don't want that type of lifestyle. I understand about being supportive, but just b/c you don't want that type of life for yourself doesn't make you unsupportive. It just makes you incompatible.

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:59pm
Stop doubting yourself- YOU did the RIGHT thing! Who would want to start a life with debt and such huge financial concerns?? I'm not a CPA, and I wouldn't want to! I have been with my beau for 6 happy months, and we are well aware of each others financial situation. It is crucial for any future that we may have together.

No one is perfect is right, but you shouldn't have to go down in financial ruin for love.

Everything happens for a reason, someone who is even better and not in debt will come along- promise! : )

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:06pm

It's pretty clear the two of you are incompatible with respect to finances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:52pm
Thank you for your insight. This is why I am sad: I think he knew it was not a healthy situation. Now that he has cleaned things up, the next girl will benefit from my pain. Will he change? We all make mistakes. He has too much pride to admit that he was "wrong" possibly. But I bet he will make amends for the next gal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:24pm
Being the daughter of an entrepreneur and the girlfriend of one, and secretly dreaming of being one myself but too scared to do it, I thought I'd reply to your post with my perspective. This is just my two cents, based on my experience. I'm sure others have a different take.

The way I see it, both of you are legitimate (that is, reasonable) in your thinking, but you are incompatible together. It takes a certain type of person to be an entrepreneur, and it also takes a certain type of person to be the partner of an entrepreneur.

An entrepreneur runs off of a dream, a belief in being able to create something that wouldn't exist but for him. And of course he dreams of being successful, but it is his belief in something that keeps him going when times are not good, and it is his belief in something that keeps him investing all he has into that dream. Because that is all he has or wants.

In order for there to be a happy partnership, that partner has to believe in the dream as well and accept that dream -- even if its not her main focus because she is off doing something else, pursuing her dream (whether that is to be an entrepreneur too or having a stable job so as to enjoy stability and comfort). But the partner does have to be supportive (while often being the voice of reason) and risk financial stability for that dream.

Now, many people are not willing to do that. (Quite frankly I have been questioning lately whether I am willing to do that). And there is nothing wrong with that. There are some very strong arguments for trying something out for X amount of time and after that getting a stable job, so that you have the comfort of living life without worrying about the possibility of lack of money affecting your lifestyle of choice. And your dreams are what you can do when you're not working.

I think that it comes down to what you value in life. And, I'm not talking about money v love. You weren't putting money before love, in my opinion. And you can still find someone who shares your values and way of living. You wouldn't be happy with him, even if he was willing to give it another chance, because he's not going to change.

best of luck,

Sadelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:29pm
This guy sounds like my ex-husband!

I wasn't as smart as you were, I married the guy. Similar circumstances, he was an entreprenuer who had a company. I didn't ask the pertinent questions before we were married, and 2 weeks after the wedding, he decided to quit doing his venture capital thing and go into real estate.

My discomfort with the situation didn't matter to him, he was just months away from making a million dollars! (According to him, that is)

Well, fast forward 4 years. I was supporting us, he refused to pay any bills, he kept borrowing more and more money, and I was depressed and in debt. We couldn't even pay the minimum payments and he refused to get a job that paid a salary until his commissions kicked in. He made a grand total of $12,000 in 4 years. Sheesh!

Enough was enough, and I finally made him leave. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! The bottom line was, his desire to make a million dollars at whatever cost, was more important to him than me, his wife and the fact that I was totally stressed out by the situation. He refused to compromise.

So, although you're in pain, count yourself lucky that you didn't let it go that far. I'm sorry you're hurt, but this guy doesn't sound like he cared about what you thought or felt. You're better off without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:31pm
PS: It wasn't your last chance, I just got remarried last April at 40. You can and will meet someone with whom you are a better match. And the wait will be worth it.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't care about you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 5:11pm
I seriously doubt that he will change and that the next woman in his life will be any better off than you were. But even if she is - who cares? The point is, you ended things with him and are moving on to find what is right for YOU.


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