Getting serious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Getting serious?
3
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:27pm
I am in the process of getting divorced from a 9 year marriage. I started dating very shortly after we separated because my marriage was lacking serious adult interaction (and good sex) for quite some time. In my past, my relationships always went from "Hi, nice to meet you" right to "Let's move in together," pretty much one relationship after another.

So I'm on my own now for the first time ever, self supporting (emotionally and financially), secure in who I am and most of all happy.

I met this guy I really like just before Thanksgiving. We both have kids (I have a dd 3 1/2, he has a ds 6 1/2), and are very compatible, enjoy spending time together, etc., and oh my is he hot (tall, 3 years older than me, very athletic, awesome body). We don't see each other when he has his ds, and he has only come over a couple times when I have dd, after she is asleep. Because of the timing of each of our custody arrangements, it limits the time we have to date. It's pretty much every other Saturday night/Sunday day, and every other week there is an opportunity for a couple sleep over nights (when there are no kids). This has kept me from falling into the habit of getting too serious too fast (although I suspect this guy doesn't do that anyway). Every other Saturday night is usually a given, but not always. I try to casually let him know when I am available to come over (because I want to but I don't say it like that) and let him make the call... being sure not to over react if he does not call or does not want to get together. This is normal, right?

We agreed we would see each other exclusively, but we do not talk about the future yet. I am comfortable with this because I am just establishing myself on my own and don't want to get serious too fast, and he has been established on his own for several years so not in a hurry to rush and give it up. I think this is healthy.

I told myself I wasn't going to fall for him yet, just enjoy spending time together and really getting to know each other very, very well first. I also want to keep as much perspective on the relationship as possible so I don't repeat past relationship mistakes.

What I don't know, and want to ask here, is this: when does a relationship start getting serious, what are the signs, do you wait for him to say "I love you" first, is there usually a discussion about the future or do you just let things for on for a while, six months or a year before you bring it up? I have no idea because as hard as I am trying, this is my first (I think and I hope) healthy relationship (crossing fingers). I've never done it right before. Any suggestions/comments/observations?

Jennie


Edited 2/24/2004 10:03:44 PM ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:50pm

Well, I'm coming from a very different place than you are, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:17pm
Thanks - ok, let me add to what I said before. We talked about the "future" in general terms when we first met. We both know each other is looking for something that would eventually be serious, we both want one more child (not an absolute, we are each happy to know parenthood, but have a general feeling one more baby would be nice if we find the right person), etc.

If I sound conflicted, it's because I am. I don't want it to get serious too fast, for the exact reason you mentioned, because I am not divorced yet (should be by the summer) and I have not been on my own long. Ideally I would have met this guy in a year, but I'm not going to dump him because I see potential there. I like and respect him as a person, and did I mention he is super hot? And I do feel myself falling for him, him for me I think, although I am trying to keep perspective and I am ready to walk away at any time if things are not right. I know I can be alone and happy if that is what is meant to be.

There is no question there is potential for a future together, but I don't know how long a normal relationship goes before people start actually planning a future, discussing marriage, etc., because in the past I always had that happen on the second date, while we were unpacking his things into my closet! Ok, I'm exaggerating a little bit (not a lot), the point being I've never actually really "dated" in my life before and I'm not sure what a normal, healthy timeline is.

In any case, your warning is heeded.

Jennie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:29pm

Good, I'm glad to hear you at least discussed what you wanted in general!


As far as timeline, I'm not sure that there really is "normal", but what I would be comfortable with would be starting to preliminarily think about/discuss the possibility of marriage at the 4-6 month point (I think you need to date at least that long to begin to know the real person, and in your situation, I'd add at least another couple months since you spend relatively little time together).