Confused About What To Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Confused About What To Do
2
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:46pm
I have been seeing my guy for about 2 months now and I am still totally unsure of where we stand. We've known each other for a year now and dated before he moved 3 hrs away but it wasn't serious b/c of the fact that he was moving and he said that we both knew that it was pointless to try to start something and stupid for him to treat me like a gf and lead me to believe we were in a relationship since he was moving. After he moved, we didn't talk for about 4 months and then we ended up deciding to see each other again.

When we finally saw each other again, he was like prince charming and has been treating me like a gf the whole time. He actually even came to see me which is something that he would NEVER EVER even consider to begin with. Also, he agreed to go w/ me to my cousin's wedding on March 20th and meet my family... At first, he jokingly said he was going just to see me in a nice dress, and then he said that he was doing it because he knew it would make me happy and he wants me to be happy.

His roommate is one of my very best friends, and he has a big big mouth. lol He said that they never talk about their relationships with girls... However, he told my guy, "you do know that she's in love w/ you and would do anything for you right?" and my guy told him "she hasn't told me". He didn't freak out though, which is something he always did before when he thought that we were getting too close.. so I don't know what to think. The closest he's come to telling me how he feels is that he likes me a lot and that he's sure that I'm the nicest person in the world to him and that I always make him happy and warm inside.

When he came up to see me over the weekend he didn't pay any attention to anything but me... I have never cuddled and loved on someone so much in one weekend. When we woke up on Sunday morning we spent 3 hrs nose-to-nose just laughing and looking into each other's eyes... I've never had that with a guy before. He's totally different than I've ever known and I'm so in love with him.

However, when he leaves sometimes it's days before I hear from him again.. even if I've tried to be in touch w/ him. I mean, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't... and he's in grad school so I understand that he's busy... I just feel like he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him... Even though he told me that he was going to miss me and be thinking of me until he gets to see me again.

I'm supposed to be going down to the town he lives for a week in 9 days... I'm not sure if I should question what we are at that point or not. That's why I am posting... I am worried to ask b/c I don't want to push him.. but at the same time I don't want to continue w/ this without knowing. What do you guys think of how he feels and do you think we can make this relationship work??? Thanks.. I really appreciate your time!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 8:56am
I think that it would be fine to have "the talk" after two months of dating when you live in the same town and see each other regularly. But after two months of "dating" when you've only seen each other once? WAY too soon. Personally, I am not a big fan of long distance relationships. If I were in your position, I would NOT want to be exclusive with him, I'd want to remain open to meeting and dating people where you live - and I wouldn't be intimate with anyone until we were exclusive.

I think, btw, that he is probably not ready to be exclusive with you. All he has told you is that he likes you a lot. But being 3 hours away, I'm guessing he would like to keep the option of seeing other people who live near him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:23pm
Considering you have known each other for a year and have been dating for two months, I think asking "Where do we stand?" is a reasonable question. After all, you are going to be attending a family wedding with him in the next 30 days and other guests are going to assume you are a couple. The last thing you want is to be unpleasantly surprised to hear him say “oh no, we’re not a couple".

Since the nine day visit is coming soon, I suggest you go. However, at some point in the middle or end of the visit would be a good opportunity to bring up the subject. What you simply want to do is start a dialogue about how you feel about each other. The best way to do that is to start to tell him how you feel. I’m not saying lay all your cards down on the table, but just share a few of the concerns that you have.

Don't put too much stock in what his roommate has to say. Of course, since he is a good friend of yours, it is okay to keep this information in the back of your mind.

This is an issue that has to be resolved between you and your guy only. Emotional information from a third party just doesn’t cut it. You want to hear it from “horses mouth”, even though there is always that risk of the “horse” turning into an “ass” later down the road.

However, you need to prepare yourself for the scenario that he is not ready to start calling you his girlfriend and wants to date and/or sleep with other women. Only you can decide whether to continue investing more time and energy into this relationship, hoping that eventually he will be your boyfriend. In a situation like this, you have two options. You can take what is being offered or you can take a walk.

Love yourself,

Miss Fabulous.

www.askmissfabulous.com


P.S. I would like to use an abbreviated version of your question for my next column. If you are okay with that, please contact me via my website. All information will be kept in the strictest of confidence.