independent vs in love!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
independent vs in love!!
3
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:27am
I've had plenty of disastrous relationships and, after a lot of soul searching, i discovered I'm way too clingy and dependent. So i took some time out and I've learnt to love myself just as i am. So far so good! now i've met a guy who is totally diferent from the type i used to date, he's serious, introverted, very philisophical and the best lover I've ever had!! it took a while but i've fallen head over heels in love with him. I love the way things are going, but i want to know how he feels about me.I'm so scared of falling back to the old clingy, insecure me that i practically shake every time I call him, just in case i beg him to tell me he loves me or something stupid like that. how does an independent, self-assured girl ask?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:32am
I think you have to separate the notions that needy and clingy are aspects of love - they are not - they are aspects of insecurity - loving is giving. I think the best way to love is from a perspective of independence - how flattering it is to be in a relationship where the other person and you know you would be fine on your own and don't need another person but choose to spend time with the other person because that person enhances your life. Love that involves giving up freedom is unhealthy - sure if you are exclusive you give up the right to date others but if you truly love a person it doesn't feel like giving up but rather giving to the other person in terms of your loyalty and fidelity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:01pm
I was an independent self-assured woman when I met my independent, mature, self-assured husband years ago. We discussed these types of things BEFORE getting intimate. I personally wouldn't be having sex with someone if I didn't know how he felt about me. I also wouldn't be having a sexual relationship until we talked about and agreed to be monogamous and in an exclusive relationship (which we did). IMO being independent and self-assured means standing up for yourself and doing what's best for yourself despite what the other person might say or do. If you truly were independent and self-assured, you probably wouldn't be so worried about how to bring it up or what to say. You'd just do it, because it's very important to your health and well-being. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:14pm
IMHO, don't ask if he loves you, and don't tell him. Let him tell you first. But it would be very appropriate to ask what he wants out of the relationship, where does he see it going, etc. Honest, direct questions are good, and if he's serious about you he will answer honestly and directly.

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