Excuse when he is not interested-Part 2
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| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:52am |
"I went on 4 dates with this guy I have been seeing for one month. Just recently...he told me that he found out that he has to pay for quite a bit of money to get very minor body work on his motorcycle done. Mind you, This repair was needed way before I started seeing him a month ago. Suddenly he tells me that he hopes I don't mind but he can't go out and has to stay in for awhile now because he has to save up for this...and won't be able to socialize. He giving me the brush off?"
**Thank you to ALL who responded. Your answers made sense and are much much appreciated!**
Here is an update that has confused the heck out of me:
After he wrote this to me I wrote him back and said something like: I understand now...I kinda had a feeling he was gonna say this and that it was OK..I had a good time. I basically let him know that I was ON to him giving me the "brush-off"
He wrote me back and told me that:
that's not what he meant. He was just saying that he is going to be broke for a little bit and wanted to let me know before it sounded like he didn't want to
hang out.
Can a male writer please translate this??? If this guy really didn't want me to feel that he didn't want to hang out with me...why would he tell me that he has to stay home for awhile with no mention of asking me to do anything inexpensive with him? Or did he just say this because I called him on his bull-$#@! line

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This guy is "dating" you - meaning he's getting to know you as a person, he's treating you to dinners, movies, etc. etc.
Some people "date" to get fun, sex, companionship - and in reality - they could get that without paying - but they're paying to "get you to go home at the end of the night." They're NOT wanting obligation, commitment, overmuch communication, or a relationship - that is NOT what they want with anybody at all. So they're paying to have "fun, sex, companionship and you to go home at the end of that activity(ies)."
Some people date to meet people, share interests, fun, sex, companionship but their "goal" of dating is to form a relationship. they're out there looking to meet people that they share standards, values, priorities, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it with - so that they can find a partner - and initiate compromise, obligation, requiremnt, and commitment in both of their lives appropriately. Those people are not "paying you to go home after the night is over" - they're paying you to come out and spend time with them - because they POTENTIALLY admire, respect, appreciate, and desire you so - they've got to get to know you in order to do those things, they consider it their obligation and responsibility and option to impress and please you and get you "in their vicinity" with dating - and so they pay.
Women try so hard to get "equality" in all the wrong venues......and rarely do women know how to date. Most men I know tell me that they know in 15-20 minutes if they're going to ask this woman out again - why? Becuas they are not looking at this person as "a potential partner" - it's too soon. But they're able to gauge if this person is witty, humorous, intelligent, attractive, and enjoyable to be arund in that timeframe - and they're able to ascertain if they're going out again based on that. Whether they're going out simply to "live in the moment" or to "pursue a relationship"...they know in that short span of time - because they realize they do't know YOU as a person well enough to know if YOU appeal to them fundamentally. And if they're NOT looking for a relationship - if you're not fun, sexy, and witty - why would they go out with you again - they're looking for fun, sex, companionship and if you're not fun, sexy, witty, and enjoyable to be around - why would they repeat this event with you.
So this guy was POSSIBLY simply saying......I don't at this time have the money to wine and dine you, I don't consider that I know you well enough to do 'relationship type activity' - cheap dates, hanging out, having sex, cuddling over TV movies (all of hwich is "relationship" activity" and often people engage in that activity wtihout a relationship and think a relationship is a "default" of the activity! It's not), and if I'm not calling you as much it's because of my financial situation, and my standards which require me to "date" you - prior to engaging in relationship type activities where there is the requirement by my standards of comfort, trust, respect, and admiration -which we don't have for one another as individuals yet - because we haven't interacted enough yet, which won't happen for awhile due ot my financial situation.
So, the guy might have been saying "you're worth dating, impressing, pleasing, and getting to know and if Ican't do it right I don't want to "screw up" up doing things in the wrong order and making a hash of what is potentially a very good thing."
that's just one "unique" perspective....it is also possible that you calling him out on having no money to spend on dating is just his way of 'blowing you off' - however, most people can figure out how to blow you off without having to deal with you at all - so the other perspective is worth some review.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thing is, The past two recent dates we have gone on...We have either gone dutch (I have paid my share of the dinner) or I pay for dinner and he pays for movie or vica versa. Its not like he is doing all of the paying.
HE's NOT doing any of that.....so either a) he doesn't want to engage in that "level" of activity because he considers you two not well enough acquainted by his standards to be doing those things...or b) he doesn't want to engage in that level of activity with anybody at all.
Something to consider is what a very good male friend of mine once said - "why you women want to pay equally on dates is beyond me. If we're paying for the pleasure of you're company we're not "buying your services". And when you pay for yourselves, or insist on dutch (although he does COMPLETELY agree with/understand/condone not having someone you don't know, know where you live, pick you up and so "meeting" at the dating location is a good idea initially) what you're doing is saying "I don't want you to invest in me, I'm not worth it, or you don't interest me enough to go beyond casual/physical interaction. And we don't invest in you as a person - we consider you a source of amusement, entertainment, companionship, fun, sex, and living in the moment - period the end and when there is a newer or different source of those things - we spent our time there as well. We don't write you off except as "relationship material" - we keep you around for everything else. We're not paying for anything to get your company, and we're getting to do things we couldn't or wouldn't do on our own, if you weren't around."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Then he wrote me back and clarified himself to me...because the way he wrote to me...it was pretty much a blow-off statement. He wrote back and clarified that he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to hang out.
I wrote him back and told him that it doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing together...I just enjoy his company...money or no money. I don't have to be out doing somehting extravagent to enjoy my time with him. I just enjoy being around HIM. I told him I totally understand about it being hard with the finances and was very cordial about it.
Men date lots of people to see who is the most interesting, exciting, entertaining, fun and/or the person who most shares their interests, values, priorities and goals in life. And they make a more committed effort with the people they share interests, goals, priorities and values with....than the people they find interesting, sexy, fun, and exciting - but not someone who on fundamental levels shares their interests. That's if they're "dating to find a partner"......if they're just "dating to date" - why would he put you on the back burner, you're paying for half of every event, and particularly if you're having sex at this point - he's got a great source of no obligation sex that pays for 1/2 the entertainment.
Women tend to date one person at a time - trying to form a relationship with each one. So they see this person in a "vacuum" environment - never assessing if someone else is more interesting, exciting, or more "what they want".
Simply telling you he won't be as available to date doesn't mean he's ating other people - if you two haven't discussed exclusivity (physically or dating) then it should have been assumed all along he was dating and possibly sleeping with other people.....and it is possible that he has found someone that has piqued his interest a little more than the rest and he wants to concentrate just a bit more heavily on her......but he's just not "eliminating his options" - because realistically he's not saying "she's the one" - he's just saying "she shows more potential than the rest to be the one based on limited interaction".
Women are so quick to go "I want a relationship" after a few dates..and if a guy isn't all "Yes, I'll take a committed and exclusive arrangement" - they "move on". Hello - a relationship is a friggin' JOB of enormous proportions. It requires you to sacrifice and compromise appropriately your needs and goals for someone else, it means that you need to share standards, values, and prioriites if there is to be trust and harmony. It means there needs to be respect, admiration, and acceptance of this person - as a person - considering them a great individual - not "you're great because you're with me, or your attention makes me like myself so much I can't get enough of you".
Women rush past dating - getting into the snuggly, cuddling, TV on the couch environment, all ready to have him see you frumpity, grumpy, and "on the rag"...and then in a year you're wondering why he "never takes you out on formal dates" - well, because "dating" wasn't part of what the dynamic involvved in being with you....all he had to do was come over, hang out, pay for a few things, and "share your problems" - and that was all you wanted at the time. Now you want more - you want to be prioritized, wined, dined, romanced, and courted - you want to be a priority with him...but in getting with him you didn't need/want/allow yourself as an individual to be prioritized. You wanted a "situation" called a relationship because that environment made you feel secure, and now that you're wanting to date - he's like, no - we're already together and I didn't have to do that to get you and I sure won't do it to keep you because I got in this becuase it was easy, beneficial, convenient and comfortable - not because it required anything of me except a few phone calls, and to snuggle up, hear your problems, and swing my wanger in your direction.
Dynamic is a pervasive thing....the dynamic that you personally have that you prefer is because that is comfortable to you, you can navigate within it in ways you understand. So people that want 'comfortable, easy, convenient' right away - are going to attract peopple that also "want that". And when you want to get away from that temporarily - you won't be with someone that wants to get out of what you've got as it is, nor are they willing to compromise in order to give you what you want. They got in this because it was 'right' to hem...and if it's not rigth by their definition - they don't want it.
Not you specifically - just "you" in a generalizd sense, of course.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
About what your male friend said. It is too bad that some men feel that way...I don't believe that they all feel that way though. The reason that I offered to pay part of the cost on the last two dates was because I know he is strapped for cash and I like to be fair and don't want him to think that I expect him to wine and dine me and pay for everything when we are out. Your male friend does sound a bit old-fashioned and I don't think it is neccessary nowadays for the men to front ALL the dating expenses. I don't think its fair and I am just trying to be fair to the person I am dating. But for a man to rule me out as relationship potential because I offer to pay...that is a man with a rigid set of "rules" that I wouldn't want to be involved with anyways. I know other guys who feel differently than your friend.
Oh yes...and why would he put me on the back-burner? He is not getting sex from me ;)
I try not to analyze things too much and kind of take things for what they are. If a dude isn't putting in the effort...most likely...He's just not into you enough. Plain and simple.
I agree with your thoughts on getting into a relationship and skipping the dating phase!
If you didn't ask to be wined and dined up front...don't expect it a year from now!
But....you going "you're strapped for cash, here I"ll pay for half of the date that you ask me on"- that is "relationship behavior". That's what goes on between two people in a relationship - platonic or romantic - when there has been communication, interaction, and investment already made in the other to the degree that there is "established commitment" - at least to finding out if there is a potential for a future based on shared interests...or becuase it is strictly platonic and you two are friends and you enjoy this person's company and know their financial situation becuase of the friendship that allows for honesty in communication.
Which is why it would put him off "at first"....I've been dating this guy for four years. I've paid for 'plenty' of our expenses - since our "relationship status" became a reality. It's default of 'being together, sharing interests and experiences - there is no way around the fact that in an established relationship (commitment to the future or not is not relevant) that both of you are "footing the bill to enjoy one another's company."
But, prior to "us" being an us...when it was him finding me intersting, attractive, amusing, witty, intelligent, charming and fun to be around - he "paid" for the pleasure for my company - not services! I didn't "share" our experiences together expenses. Taht was his 'investment" in finding out if I was worth his time, energy, effort, to puruse more. Just like my "time" spent with him not doing otther things was my investment in "us" - to find out if he was worth more of my time, energy, effort and money.
It's important to realize a relationship is like an investment in the stock market. Stock that you're given for free - if it pays out great, and if not - you have lost nothing,, and gained the "fun of playing the market" and you omve on. YOu don't fight to keep an investment you don't "make" on your own.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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