will "taking a break" be the end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
will "taking a break" be the end?
3
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:27am
I have been datig my boyfriend for about three years now, and we have lived together for the past nine months. We are both geting ready to graduate from college in May. In the past we had both agreed that after school we would get married. We both felt like we had the best relationship, and we were both ready for the next step. However, the last few months I have started to have doubts. I can't pin down any one thing that has changed my mind. Maybe, it's just that as the time gets closer that I know he is going to ask me to marry him, it seems more real to me. My sister just got engaged a month ago, and I see how in love and excited she is, and I have realized that I have way to many reservations about my relationship right now to be ready to be engaged.

These are my major concerns: 1) I went right from one long term relationship into this long term relationship. I haven't been single since I was 16. I don't really feel like a know myself, if that makes any sence, and I would like time to do that. 2) our sex life has gone stale for me, and he gets upset with me when I say I'm not in the mood. 3) His mother is super controle freak and he gives in to her about verything...I don't know if I want to be in a marrige with her always in the wings. 4) Lately I have found myself more and more attracted to other guys.

So, after all that, my question is should we "take a break" from eachother, or should we try and work this out together? Some of my friends say "oh it's just that as relationships move along they change, and you can't expect the spark to stay forever". But we are only 22, and I feel like the parks should still be there. Am I just getting cold feet as the reality of marrige seems more real? Could we still be with eachother simply because we are too comfortable together to want to make the effort with new relationships? And despite everything, I think I really do love him I don't want him to think "a break" means breaking up for good. So, is a break the best idea at all? I am very confused and any ideas would be very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:41am
In my opinion, the biggest obstacle in this situation is that you don't feel as though you know yourself. And this is probably what is causing all your doubts. I'm 24 right now and I have gone through tremendous changes since I graduated from high school. This "college years" period is when we break away from our parents amd form our own identities. Because you have always been part of a relationship, you probably don't feel like you have an identity of your own. I know this is hard, but I strongly recommend that you take time to be alone and to figure out who you are before you even think of getting engaged even. Do you have an older woman you can talk to about this - whether it's your mom, aunt, etc.? I'm sure she would be able to put this all in perspective for you as well. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:29pm
I think that if you are having these kinds of doubts, taking a break is the best thing. You are still very young and to have not been single since age 16 means you have never been alone as an adult.

People change A LOT in the teen years and early 20s, and someone with whom you were compatible 3 years ago may have changed, or you may have changed, to the point where you have different values and goals. I am now 34 and I know that if I had married someone I met at 19, I would have divorced in no time b/c I now have nothing in common with the guy I dated at that age.

Btw, the fact that he doesn't stand up to his mother would be a problem for me too. It is somewhat understandable given his age, but still, he is an adult now.


Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:51pm
Hi,

I definetly agree with the others about still not knowing yourself. I was always told that if you're in love,you'll know when the right time to get married is. If you're having doubts,then you're just not ready for marriage. I'm the same age as you,and I feel that I want to live my life first before I ever settle down and get married. I think a break is the best thing for you right now,you should go out with your girlfriends and have fun and enjoy doing what you love doing or always wanted to do. If during this break another guy comes along who sweeps you off your feet,and you feel it's right,go for it. Nothing is ever written in stone. Just because you've been with your man for 3 years doesn't necessarily mean he's "the one". When you meet "the one",you'll know it(at least that's what everyone tells me).

My best friend started dating an older guy during high school,and being the only real relationship she's been in,she decided to marry him straight out of high school.She was dating him for 2 years before she got married. She is now going through her divorce and is dating someone else,all at the age of 21.I know soo many girls my age who have married,had kids,and now they're divorced or with someone else. My point is,when you're this young,it's hard to know exactly what you want.

Please,Please live your life now before you possibly regret it later.