doesn't want to be serious
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doesn't want to be serious
| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:24pm |
I've been dating my guy now for about 8 months. He had just had a divorce about two years before he met me. When we entered into the relationship, I was taking things as slow as possible since he was still in the process of getting over his divorce. After about a month or two into the relationship, the "I love you's" came out, he initiating it, and we became a little more serious. After about 3 months later, we had a dispute because he needed more space and I was being a bit smothering. We quickly made up and I agreed to give him as much space as he needed and the relationship moved along quite nicely. About 6 months into the relationship, he started practically living at my apartment at his own will while still keeping his own as mainly a storage unit. We had been living that way for about two months when a few days ago, he told me he wanted to take a step back from the relationship since he wasn't ready to be serious again, and wanted to have have more time to be with friends and the option to possibly go on a few dates here and there. He states that he still wants to be with me and for the past few days, we continue to be around each other as much as we were before with the exception of no longer having sleepovers. I've never been in a relationship with someone who's been previously married before and am having a difficult time adjusting to our new less serious relationship. I'm willing to try everything I can to help him move on from his past torment. What should I do?

It depends on what you want from a relationship.
You can't make him want to be serious, and you don't have to be available for him when his new "dates" don't go well or if he has a night where he wants to be with someone and can't find anyone else. I think the only result of that could be him respecting you less and you getting hurt more.
A "casual date" isn't the same as spending time
What he does NOT wnat is the obligation, responsibility, requirement and commitment to meet your needs appropriately, consider your needs at all times, and be jointly liable and responsible for the maintaining of a household.
He's like the creature comforts and benefits of a relationship - regular sex, someone to snuggle wtih, someone to rely on for companionship when nothing else is available to do or that he wants/can afford to do....but he doesn't want "obligation".
I suspect that your living arrangement wit him "using his place as storage" - but storing himself and his clothes at your place, eating your groceries, using your utilities has led you to believe this is a "serious commitment" - after all, you probably wouldn't bep utting out this cash, and accepting this behavior from someone who said "I don't know if it is you I want for life, but for right now you'll do, while I look around and see what else is available to me."
Your assumptino that this is serious has probably either instigated you to "discuss" the relationship and its status..or at least discuss him contributing to the bills. If you had a status discussion and he backed off - it's because there's no denying it and he has nothing to hide behind other than "his previous hurts" - that he doesn't want a seriously committed relationship with you.
If you discussed bills - well, it is difficult for most people to fund two residences - one in full, the other in part....particularly if he owes support elsewhere also. So you're wanting financial contribution from him and he's saying "I don't want a committed relationship, I've enjoyed the benefits of you provided it's free - but now that it's not free and there are strings or requirements - I want to back off, get some space, review my options and if I come back it'll be because you're the most convenient, beneficial, easy, and least demanding option I can find."
Either way - he doesn't want a relationship out of respect and admiration for you as a person. You knew that though - by his living with you and contributing nothing.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com