doesn't want to be serious

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
doesn't want to be serious
6
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:24pm
I've been dating my guy now for about 8 months. He had just had a divorce about two years before he met me. When we entered into the relationship, I was taking things as slow as possible since he was still in the process of getting over his divorce. After about a month or two into the relationship, the "I love you's" came out, he initiating it, and we became a little more serious. After about 3 months later, we had a dispute because he needed more space and I was being a bit smothering. We quickly made up and I agreed to give him as much space as he needed and the relationship moved along quite nicely. About 6 months into the relationship, he started practically living at my apartment at his own will while still keeping his own as mainly a storage unit. We had been living that way for about two months when a few days ago, he told me he wanted to take a step back from the relationship since he wasn't ready to be serious again, and wanted to have have more time to be with friends and the option to possibly go on a few dates here and there. He states that he still wants to be with me and for the past few days, we continue to be around each other as much as we were before with the exception of no longer having sleepovers. I've never been in a relationship with someone who's been previously married before and am having a difficult time adjusting to our new less serious relationship. I'm willing to try everything I can to help him move on from his past torment. What should I do?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:35pm

It depends on what you want from a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:02pm
IMHO - I would tell him no. The fact you are having trouble adjusting to the less serious version of your relationship probably means it's not what you really want. Tell him that you could have dealt with a less serious relationship before, but it had already gone past that and if he wants to step back now and see other people, you must not be the right girl for him and him the right guy for you. To be practically living together and then want to go on dates with other people, I think, is obsurd. Cut him loose.

You can't make him want to be serious, and you don't have to be available for him when his new "dates" don't go well or if he has a night where he wants to be with someone and can't find anyone else. I think the only result of that could be him respecting you less and you getting hurt more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:50pm
well i'm definitely in no hurry for a marriage either. he's one of my best friends and i can't not have him in my life. i was used to having him share my space all the time, and it's just a bit weird going home to an empty apartment or waking up alone. anytime we're not both working or in class, we're usually together, but go back to our own homes to sleep at night. we've discussed the dating other people issue, and he has no desires to enter a relationship with anyone else. he doesnt want me to be upset if he does happen to go on a casual date w/ some of his co-workers (who are mainly girls) though. and if i were in his position i'd probably want the same amount of freedom since i have a lot of friends who are male. (i was under the impression that we both had that same amount of freedom anyway, but i guess not). so i think i'm ok with the casual thing, it's just weird losing a roomie.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:57pm

A "casual date" isn't the same as spending time

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:58pm
He's not tormented - and you're being foolish.

What he does NOT wnat is the obligation, responsibility, requirement and commitment to meet your needs appropriately, consider your needs at all times, and be jointly liable and responsible for the maintaining of a household.

He's like the creature comforts and benefits of a relationship - regular sex, someone to snuggle wtih, someone to rely on for companionship when nothing else is available to do or that he wants/can afford to do....but he doesn't want "obligation".

I suspect that your living arrangement wit him "using his place as storage" - but storing himself and his clothes at your place, eating your groceries, using your utilities has led you to believe this is a "serious commitment" - after all, you probably wouldn't bep utting out this cash, and accepting this behavior from someone who said "I don't know if it is you I want for life, but for right now you'll do, while I look around and see what else is available to me."

Your assumptino that this is serious has probably either instigated you to "discuss" the relationship and its status..or at least discuss him contributing to the bills. If you had a status discussion and he backed off - it's because there's no denying it and he has nothing to hide behind other than "his previous hurts" - that he doesn't want a seriously committed relationship with you.

If you discussed bills - well, it is difficult for most people to fund two residences - one in full, the other in part....particularly if he owes support elsewhere also. So you're wanting financial contribution from him and he's saying "I don't want a committed relationship, I've enjoyed the benefits of you provided it's free - but now that it's not free and there are strings or requirements - I want to back off, get some space, review my options and if I come back it'll be because you're the most convenient, beneficial, easy, and least demanding option I can find."

Either way - he doesn't want a relationship out of respect and admiration for you as a person. You knew that though - by his living with you and contributing nothing.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:35pm
I don't think you understood my post. He was the one who felt the relationship was serious. I didn't think that at all. We never discussed moving in together or sharing bills. We hang out each night, and one night he stayed at my place. The next night the same thing happened. And it became habit. He'd go back to his place each morning to shower and get ready for the day, but for the most part, he'd spend most of his free time at my place. He stored mainly himself at my place because it was convenient to sleep there after we've been together all evening. He, too, paid for food and helped in cleaning as well. I didn't expect him to stay there or to contribute to anything at all. My other roommate on the other hand, was actually trying to convince him to move in with us, while I didn't necessarily feel that it was an appropriate time for that. I didn't mind sharing my space with him, but knew that he wouldn't be able to actually handle living with me without having his own place to unwind for part of the day. As for him "hiding behind his previous hurt," it wasn't in response to me initiating a status discussion. He brought the issue to me because he noticed he was spending a lot of time at my place and didn't want to feel like he was using me. He thought that by being there all the time, he was turning the relationship into something more serious than he could handle since he's still getting over a divorce. I understand that. The issue is that he does not want a "serious" relationship, and though I'm not in a hurry to have one right now anyway, I don't want him to be afraid of being close to me, and am willing to wait until he's more ready. I just don't know what's an acceptable amount of time to give him so we can be close again without him fearing a serious relationship.