Should I still hang on?
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| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:04pm |
I had been dating this seemingly great guy for about two months. He had been separated from his wife of two-years for five years, and finalized the divorce a few weeks into our seeing each other. She was his first relationship, and the only other woman he had been involved with before me was someone younger that he did not see himself becoming serious with (at least this is what he told me) and ended his relationship with her after a year and a half.
When we began seeing each other we connected strongly and intimately on a friendship level as well as being physically attracted to each other (we slept together on the seventh date). He even told his family and friends about me, and mentioned how they could not wait to meet me. Maybe I am naive, but I do not doubt any of this, nor do I doubt that his feelings seemed real. His family and friends really were excited about us, and we had made plans so I could meet his best friend and his wife the next time they were in town. Also, he is not a "player" nor devious type, which is why I was initially attracted to him outside of his looks and personality. He is also shy, another thing I found endearing as his compliments and gestures seemed that much more sincere to me. He even made a clumsy attempt to say he loved me, but because it was "clumsy" I felt perhaps he was not really ready to say it and did not react to it-- I let it fly over my head. Also, the divorce issue was weighing on me and I felt he needed more time to get past that before I started hearing declarations of love.
I think part of the reason he finalized the divorce a few weeks into dating me was that he did not want it to deter me from becoming involved with him. At least this is what he told me; again, maybe I am being naive. I had been honest with him about not wanting to continue to see him if this was going to be at a standstill forever. From what I understood, the battle was primarily financial; she has been with someone else for two years and he said he gave up trying to get fix their marriage after two years of separation.
When the divorce became finalized, I realized that this could bring up a lot of emotions and feelings that typically accompany a divorce. However, he was pretty open and honest about everything to me, including his feelings of failure about the issue. Then, he discovered just how much the divorce cost him financially and then a few days later found out he could possibly be laid-off from his job in the upcoming months. Again, he had been pretty open and honest with me throughout as we had been developing a pretty good friendship as well as a romantic involvement, and I had been very supportive. Nothing seemed wrong between us, except that I could tell he was stressed, and then boom. I didn't hear from him for five days (he even stood me up and did not return the two messages I left for him) after seeing him two or three times a week and hearing from him almost every day. When he finally called, he said he had been afraid to talk to me because of the way he was feeling. He explained that everything hit him harder than he expected, and that it left him feeling very confused and afraid, and that those feelings in turn made him feel confused and afraid about his relationship with me. He apologized profusely for not calling me and did not offer up any excuses other than he was afraid to talk to me about it. We sadly agreed that it sounded like he was in no place to see anyone right now.
Here is my confusion: When I offered to let him go his separate way, he said he wanted us to keep in touch and asked me to call him if I wanted to call him. He also mentioned that once he had his head on straight, perhaps my feelings for him would be the same. I ended the call with the "we can still be friends and hang out (platonically)" positive attitude, but it tore me up inside.
It would be one thing to still have him in my life, even as a friend, because I think he is a good person and I appreciated our friendship as much as our romance. If it was meant to be, things would just redevelop naturally. However, if he is snowing me or just being too nice to tell me to get lost, I would hate to be a fool and be "friends" with someone who really wants nothing to do with me.
Help?

Assume it is over, figure there are things about him that would make a lasting, loving relationship possible between the two of you impossible, and be glad you got out now before you wasted any more time. As hard as that is, I know.
I wouldn't be friends with him, and I wouldn't contemplate waiting around either. It's only going to cause you more pain.
I don't think you have any reason to doubt that he is sincere.
yes that is true...but he had 5 yrs to get a divorce...obviously it was not completely "over" until now. And I agree with Deena, it has nothing to do with you.
Honestly, I think you read WAY too much into things he said or did. 2 months means absolutely nothing to me...no matter what is happening...and for this very reason. What fully complete person changes their