Should I still hang on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Should I still hang on?
6
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:04pm
Okay, maybe I am naive, but I have not encountered this situation before and was taken for a loop. Please bear with me as this is long, but I need to give the full story in order to get good, honest advice!

I had been dating this seemingly great guy for about two months. He had been separated from his wife of two-years for five years, and finalized the divorce a few weeks into our seeing each other. She was his first relationship, and the only other woman he had been involved with before me was someone younger that he did not see himself becoming serious with (at least this is what he told me) and ended his relationship with her after a year and a half.

When we began seeing each other we connected strongly and intimately on a friendship level as well as being physically attracted to each other (we slept together on the seventh date). He even told his family and friends about me, and mentioned how they could not wait to meet me. Maybe I am naive, but I do not doubt any of this, nor do I doubt that his feelings seemed real. His family and friends really were excited about us, and we had made plans so I could meet his best friend and his wife the next time they were in town. Also, he is not a "player" nor devious type, which is why I was initially attracted to him outside of his looks and personality. He is also shy, another thing I found endearing as his compliments and gestures seemed that much more sincere to me. He even made a clumsy attempt to say he loved me, but because it was "clumsy" I felt perhaps he was not really ready to say it and did not react to it-- I let it fly over my head. Also, the divorce issue was weighing on me and I felt he needed more time to get past that before I started hearing declarations of love.

I think part of the reason he finalized the divorce a few weeks into dating me was that he did not want it to deter me from becoming involved with him. At least this is what he told me; again, maybe I am being naive. I had been honest with him about not wanting to continue to see him if this was going to be at a standstill forever. From what I understood, the battle was primarily financial; she has been with someone else for two years and he said he gave up trying to get fix their marriage after two years of separation.

When the divorce became finalized, I realized that this could bring up a lot of emotions and feelings that typically accompany a divorce. However, he was pretty open and honest about everything to me, including his feelings of failure about the issue. Then, he discovered just how much the divorce cost him financially and then a few days later found out he could possibly be laid-off from his job in the upcoming months. Again, he had been pretty open and honest with me throughout as we had been developing a pretty good friendship as well as a romantic involvement, and I had been very supportive. Nothing seemed wrong between us, except that I could tell he was stressed, and then boom. I didn't hear from him for five days (he even stood me up and did not return the two messages I left for him) after seeing him two or three times a week and hearing from him almost every day. When he finally called, he said he had been afraid to talk to me because of the way he was feeling. He explained that everything hit him harder than he expected, and that it left him feeling very confused and afraid, and that those feelings in turn made him feel confused and afraid about his relationship with me. He apologized profusely for not calling me and did not offer up any excuses other than he was afraid to talk to me about it. We sadly agreed that it sounded like he was in no place to see anyone right now.

Here is my confusion: When I offered to let him go his separate way, he said he wanted us to keep in touch and asked me to call him if I wanted to call him. He also mentioned that once he had his head on straight, perhaps my feelings for him would be the same. I ended the call with the "we can still be friends and hang out (platonically)" positive attitude, but it tore me up inside.

It would be one thing to still have him in my life, even as a friend, because I think he is a good person and I appreciated our friendship as much as our romance. If it was meant to be, things would just redevelop naturally. However, if he is snowing me or just being too nice to tell me to get lost, I would hate to be a fool and be "friends" with someone who really wants nothing to do with me.

Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:16pm
I think it is really hard to have a "friendship" with someone that you could have envisioned having a future/marriage/etc with. There is no way to know if he just doesn't want to be with you and was trying to let you down easy (not because of any flaw you might have, just because you aren't a good match for each other), or if he really is so confused he can't see straight long enough to think about being in a relationship. The thing is, at this point he knows you well enough to know if he wants to be with you and if he can see a future with you. And given that he doesn't want to date you right now, to me means that he won't want to in the future either.

Assume it is over, figure there are things about him that would make a lasting, loving relationship possible between the two of you impossible, and be glad you got out now before you wasted any more time. As hard as that is, I know.

I wouldn't be friends with him, and I wouldn't contemplate waiting around either. It's only going to cause you more pain.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:34pm

I don't think you have any reason to doubt that he is sincere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:59pm
I think it is typically a bad idea to date anyone whose divorce is final for less than a year so I think you need to ask him to please not contact you until that time. I think you are a bit misguided if you think his finalizing his divorce had anything to do with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:03pm
I was going to say something about that in my reply, but forgot. It takes a lot to finalize a divorce, it doesn't just happen one day unless everything has been in motion toward that goal for a while.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:58pm

yes that is true...but he had 5 yrs to get a divorce...obviously it was not completely "over" until now. And I agree with Deena, it has nothing to do with you.


Honestly, I think you read WAY too much into things he said or did. 2 months means absolutely nothing to me...no matter what is happening...and for this very reason. What fully complete person changes their

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:10pm
Yes it does which is why you should steer clear of men who are still married and going through a divorce and who are newly divorced - as you said it takes a lot and do you really need to be the emotional bandaid?