He is afraid of intimacy and unemotional
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He is afraid of intimacy and unemotional
| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:48pm |
I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. I am 27 and he is 33. When we are together things are great, but when it comes to sex, I feel like I am the one who often initiates it and sometimes he doesn't respond to me when I initiate it. He has told me it is nothing to do with him not being attracted to me. It's just the way he is, he says. I understand that everyone is entitled to their moments of not being in the mood, but the thing is, beyond the bedroom, there isn't a whole lot of intimacy. I guess in some ways, I turn to the sex for validation or closeness with him.
I just don't know how to help or what to do to make this situation better for us. I care enough about him to want to compromise but I really don't know how to handle this. I am pretty affectionate in private and I find myself holding back with him and that may not be healthy for me..
Any suggestions?
Edited 2/27/2004 9:28:46 PM ET by hopkins27

Certainly it would be great if he could get help, deal with this feelings and become more intimate. But that is a choice only he can make. And it might never happen, even if he does resolve some of his issues. If he doesn't want to change himself, and is happy being "just the way he is" then you have to control the only thing you can control, the decision to pursue a relationship with him or not. To me, it doesn't sound as if he wants to be more intimate or meet your sexual needs. And this is the beginning of the relationship! Things are supposed to be hot and steamy! Imagine things down the road!
I would never, ever, EVER again be with someone who did not want to kiss me and hold me and initiate sex with me. All I ended up doing was resenting my soon-to-be-ex. It doesn't matter how nice of a person he is, you can't compromise on something so important. Don't make the same mistake I did and try to convince yourself sex/intimacy is not important. It is, and if you want it, don't compromise yourself out of it.
I got him to go to a therapist. And he actually got a lot better. We were able to have sex 4 times a week.
He did all of this for me. And I guess he knew something was wrong with him too. He went half heartedly at first but then actually started going himself.
After a lot of therapy he was much better and we moved in together.
But he was still having troubles of course and I was pushing him to get better. He snapped in the end and left me. I have been miserable for weeks.
Bottom line: I wish someone had told me to run. I wish I had told myself to run. He touched my heart because he was really sweet and I loved him. But there was no way to make it work with all those problems. I would have spared myself so much work and agony had I just been his friend or just ran away.
You must have a really kind heart to want to help. A lot of women would just say forget this. Trust me they would. I am the sacrificing type as well. Plus I always thought that love could overcome everything.
My darling in the end told me that I was tough to live with. May be true. But definately not tougher than an impotent enraged man who punched walls and screamed and told me he would never marry.
The demons that live inside your bf could be pretty bad. You should not have to live with that. I agree with what the others are saying and I have personal experience to back it up....
RUN RUN RUN
I just called him to see if he might want to go for lunch today, as he works near me and gets an hour break and he told me that he actually already has plans...and left it at that, knowing full well that I am a bit sensitive and tend to "over-think" things. I felt he did that intentionally...I am sure he was just going for lunch with the work guys. It's not really that I don't trust him..I just think he is testing me lately to see how I might react to things.
He's been making me feel like I like him too much. He's partly right, though. I mean, when I am not with him, I think about him constantly, and I can't wait to see him again. I keep trying to figure things out...How to play the "game" right. How to keep him interested. I keep thinking I am doing things wrong by always "talking" about things with him. I think he thinks our relationship is too "heavy" or something. I don't call him every day (but I want to and I don't think it should be wrong to want to). It seems like I am always the one to call him. For instance, we get together on a sunday night. He leaves monday morning for work and then I will be the one to call him on wed. only because I can't take it anymore.
He keeps saying that he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be with me and to stop overthinking things so much. The problem: there is some truth to what he says. I am a touch obsessive compulsive, so i often have a hard time distinqishing between what is and what isn't a valid reason to worry.
Unfortunately, because of how strongly I feel about him, I know I will have a hard time just walking away from him - bad for me or not. I know. I shouldn't be asking for advice if I can't take the advice given..I suppose my insecurities, though, have added to the situation, because I find myself partly blaming myself..but i guess really, all I am guilty of is caring too much and liking this guy too much. I suppose there are worse things. I wonder if maybe he puts up the wall partly because he sees that happening and fears that it is some kind of unhealthy fatal attractiion type thing..
Anyway, thanks again for the advice. I will keep it in mind for sure.
it sounds like your insecurities about your relationship are forcing you to cling to this guy. please, please, please...let it go. don't have sex anymore unless you want sex without commitment or a relationship. is it the fact that he was abused, or is he acting the way he is because you're being 'too clingy' for him? either way, look out for #1--YOU!
maybe take a step back, explore some things on your own, make plans with other friends, keep yourself unusually busy for a while just to rediscover what you want. sometimes it helps to write a list of the qualities you want your partner to have as well. see how they match up. be strong -- take control! if it doesn't work out, it'll be ok!! don't be hard on yourself -- some things just aren't supposed to be :)
best of luck,
ijonah
you just helped me put things into perpective.
come to think of it, he has been encouraging me more to do stuff with my friends.
I think i am feeling insecure and i also think he has caught onto it.
I've decided what it is i need to do...I need to put him in the "back ground" rather than having him be in the "forefront." I think he senses that he means a lot too me and is a bit freaked out by it. I think he has me more in the back off his mind than in the forefront so i think you are right. I would benefit by trying to do the same.
Thanks again.