Poll: Heinous or dignified?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Poll: Heinous or dignified?
2
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:35am
Hello,

I am living what looks like a classic 'used me for sex' relationship yet.... Let's assume it is not the case please.

I started dating this guy about a month ago. I've known him for 6 months, we talk daily and send quite a lot of time together. I am quite smitten with him and apparently its reciprocal (well somewhat at least).

The problem is... He left his girfriend of 6 years in september 03 and moved out of their common appartment, sometimes in december she called him and 'She was so miserable that I got back together with her'(quoting him). I was not aware she got back into his life until I actually started dating him, and, since I fall in love quite infrequently, I decided that a 'relashionship that is going nowhere' was no stop to my attraction to him.

Well, I know it was dumb, I don't think he used me for sex since... He is getting some anyway and he could be getting some with much prettier women than me so...

Now we had a couple of serious talks and the bottom line is that he feels 'so guilty about so many things toward her' that he does not feel 'entiltled' to break up with her.

He says he is in love with me, that he would like to pursue a relationship with me, but his duty is with her and that I really should not fall in love with somebody so 'unworthy as him'.

I think she is checking his voice mail on his cellphone (and he does not know it) because I left him a message twice and he never got it. He is a terrible liar, no doubt she suspects something.

Would it be terribly heinous and low of me to leave him an explicit message? I thing it would be but....

The other alternative would be to leave him quietly, it would be dignified, honorable and taking the high road.... Yet....

Of course I can wonder all day long if I really want a relationship with a cheat... But you know, I'd rather live it and pay for it than not live at all.

Thanks for your help.

Valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:00am
Basically he is telling you that he is not into you enough to be exclusive with you - most people do things because they want to - not because someone else wants them to and they do not - whether his relationship with his gf is healthy or not, he wants to be with her more than he wants to be with you. You chose to have sex with him outside of a committed relationship and knowing that she was around - think about it - if he were that much of a saint that he would stay with someone out of "duty" would that type of person also cheat on his gf and expose both of you to STD's and pregnancy and lie to his gf?

Leaving a message would be foolish, and mean, and there could be very serious repercussions for you - your safety, emotional well being, success in future relationships (you will always know that you act on mean impulses and that cannot be good for the future).

It sounds like you are angry at yourself for being intimate with someone under these circumstances - deal with that, not lashing out at others. He never told you he was committed to you and in fact he told you the opposite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:12am
Walk away dignified. One day you will thank yourself for it. You aren't going to end up with him anyway, so why sink to such a low level?

It might make you feel better to think about doing it, to imagine her hearing the message, and imagine the fight they would have. But you will never know 1) if she heard it or 2) if she heard it and it caused them to fight, whether it also caused them to have great makeup sex. And after you leave it, you'll realize you will never know the result and it will drive you crazy and you will be more miserable than you are now. The best thing you can do is treat yourself to a nice long hot bath, a new hair cut, a professional nail appointment or something like that and realize what a good thing it is that this guy is in your past.

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