First Date Nerves

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
First Date Nerves
9
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:18am
THE GOOD NEWS:

I finally got up the nerve to ask my crush out to dinner - the only time I've ever asked a guy out (I'm a bit of a traditionalist & a southern gal, as well). So we hopefully will be going out on Saturday night (he said he'd call so we could figure out when, where, etc...so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much b/c my last boyfriend never came over or called when he said he would). Anyway.

THE BAD NEWS:

People always seem to think I'm this confident kind of girl - I think it's safe to say I'm at least witty - but I don't feel this way at all and I am actually nervous most of the time. I'm scared of awkward silences if we run out of things to say.

Also, should I pay or should we split the bill since I asked him out? If I don't hear from him by Sat. should I call him or just let it go? I know I'll be seeing him next week anyway b/c he is in this class I'm taking. I'm confused.


Edited 2/27/2004 11:20:49 AM ET by dykmanad

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:29am
Good news: That is great... and if he doesn't call or do things when he says he will, stop having a crush on him immediately. Guys like that don't change.

Bad news: Being nervous all the time is not good. You should figure out why, either through soul searching or enlisting the help of a good therapist (we can almost all benefit from doing that). Until you can be at least somewhat confident and secure in who you are as a person, you won't be as able to be a healthy part of a healthy relationship.

Paying: I think you asked him to have dinner, you should pay. But let him ask for the next date and if he does, let him pay for that one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:39am
I wouldn't mind paying at all - in fact I'd prefer it b/c I was the one who asked - but I know some guys are uncomfortable letting a girl pay for them. I have a male friend (who is and never has been anything more than that) and he refuses to let me or any other girl pay for anything.

Should I just offer anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:45am
Don't offer to pay, just assume you WILL pay, since you asked. It's not fair to ask and then not pay or to put it into question. When the bill comes, just pick it up and put your money out. If he objects, simply say that you are paying because you invited HIM to dinner. If he pushes and says he would really rather pay, say no one more time, and then if he insists hand him the bill and put your money away.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 12:39pm
That sounds like good advice - I'd rather not have to have a discussion about it or anything. Thanks for the help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:43pm
The ball is in his court and since you asked, you pay - wouldn't you expect a man to pay for you on a first date if he asked you out?

I'm curious - why didn't you wait for him to ask you out and why do you think he didn't?

If he doesn't call by 3 PM tomorrow I would make other plans and tell him you assumed he couldn't make it. Now that you've done the pursuing if he doesn't show significant enthusiasm I would move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:22pm
Why do I need to wait for him to ask me out?

We've only seen each other twice during our class and he seems like a shy or reserved person...so I didn't think it'd be a big deal to ask him to go to dinner.

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anonymous user
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:31pm
Awkward silences suck, don't they? If you're worried about what to say on a date, then make a list of questions to ask him. Find out what sports he's into, or what his favourite film is, or anything that will start a conversation. If you lip a compliment in there every now and then, he'll be flattered and have a better time. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:47pm
Because while most men are flattered when they're asked out by a woman they typically do not end up wanting a relationship with that woman - eitiher because they were not that into her in the first place or else they would have done the asking (my ex fiancee was painfully shy but he was interested enough to overcome that to ask me out - don't you want someone who is very interested in you??) - or because when the woman does the pursuing they get an impression that the woman won't let them do the pursuing and that can be overwhelming or a turn off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 8:21am
I think the other posters have pretty well covered who pays (I agree with that advice) so I won't repeat that.

Conversation . . . just relax and be yourself. You can always find something to talk about with someone who you don't know! Talk about current events, sports, your backgrounds - where he's from, what he's studying, where he has traveled, where he'd like to go, hobbies, etc. If you hit an awkward silence, hey, talk about the weather! It's a cliche but it works.

One more thing. I think it is a mistake to go into this date expecting this guy to make the same mistakes as your ex. He is not your ex. Expect him to treat you well, and don't tolerate it if he doesn't.