What's YOUR OPINION??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
What's YOUR OPINION??
8
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:29pm
Is it really such a bad idea for a girl to ask a guy out for dinner? After my last discussion on here it seems as though I made a mistake in doing that. I'm not relentlessly pursuing him...it just seems like I have had a good time with him and he may not be the "forward" type. I thought it would be fun and casual.

Hopefully we're going out this weekend, but now I wonder if it was a mistake to ask. Should girls always wait for the man to take initiative? Does he feel like he is being "pursued" if she does ask him out first?

Avatar for suzy_corgan
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:46pm
Why don't you ask him for his opinion on the issue. If he feels as though a guy should ask a girl out, then let him ask you out. Talk to him and see how he feels. It doesn't hurt to ask how he feels about the issue. I was in the same situation and I asked the guy if he minded that I asked him out, and he said he didn't mind, and that he didn't have the guts to come up and ask me. So I made it easier for him. I hope I helped
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:33pm
What *is* a bad idea, imho, is making hard and fast rules to follow. Every situation is different, every person different, and requires adaptability. Girls should feel fine about asking guys out, if they want, and vice versa. I *do*, however, think that there is a problem with one person always asking the other person out (of either sex). THis, to me, is a sign of inequality, and one should take a serious look at what is going on. Is the other person not interested? Are they just really lazy? Are they super shy? Are they just content with you driving all the time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:16pm
I think asking out men is typically ineffective if you are looking for a long term healthy relationship as opposed to just a fling or a one night stand. If he is too lazy to ask you out then he's not that into you and you pursuing him likely will decrease not increase that interest level. I know of no healthy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning. I have asked men out - most said yes, all lasted one or two dates, tops. They just were not that into me or else they would have asked me out.

Yes, there are exceptions but they are so rare (if the man is that shy he wouldn't be a match for me anyway) that I don't pursue men and I have never regretted it - never passed up an opportunity at a healthy relationship by not asking the man out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:09pm
>>I think asking out men is typically

>>ineffective if you are looking for a

>>long term healthy relationship as opposed

>>to just a fling or a one night stand.

Well, IMHO it's exactly the opposite. Most of the "long term healthy relationships" that I know of (in my age group, anyway) were the result of the woman pursuing the guy.

In fact, most of the guys I know that *really* pursue women are the ones looking for the one night stand.

IMHO it's a good thing for women to pursue a guy, but I also notice a lot of women simply make poor choices in regards to the type of guy they choose to pursue. I guess you can chalk it up to 'lack of experience', but IMHO it's more of a 'blinding' that happens. In other words, if a guy pursues a woman and the guy is a jerk, her 'defense' systems will 'detect' him, and she'll reject him. However, when a woman pursues a guy she likes, often she'll ignore those warnings. Naturally, things blow up shortly afterwards.

That said, saying that asking men out isn't effective is silly IMHO.

If I only ask out stuck up super-thin supermodels, I can conclude that asking women out isn't effective too, and I might conclude that women don't really want a relationship. Naturally, if you pursue the completely the wrong type of person (even if you're attracted to them - i.e. a guy to a supermodel), you're probably not going to have a real relationship.

Ideally I think the best way is a "set and equal" amount of 'pursuit' taking place.

If a guy is "shyer" than average, then the extra 'slack' should be picked up by the woman, indicating her interest (i.e. Flirt more, make it clear that if he were to ask, she would be receptive, or outright ask him out).

And with more aggressive guys, be less flirty (play harder to get). Obviously, if he looks like Brad Pitt & drives a porsche, you shouldn't be chasing him - you should let him chase you, and you should probably play hard to get.

This is lost on a lot of women - I've seen girls chase the biggest player in the room - and from a relationship perspective, it's like watching a train hurtle towards a broken bridge - Everyone can see what's going to happen except them, and by the time they do, it's too late.

I've also seen women play "hard to get" with shy guys. Isn't it obvious that things aren't going to work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:01pm
I am surprised - how many long term healthy relationships/engagements/marriages do you know of where the woman did most of the asking out and planning (and treating) in the first month to two months? One of my serious boyfriends, and my ex fiancee were both very shy and yet they got up the courage to call and ask me out - the men that I have asked out were all in my league except for one - one had asked me out for a first date, I asked him out for the second, one had asked me if I would go on a second date and then didn't follow through - I called him to confirm the plans - I asked out more men than those two but what I learned in 22 years of dating is when a man is sincerely interested in dating me and sees me as a potentially serious relationship, and he is available to date, he will ask me out. It's been the same for all of my women friends over the years - I've had women friends who think that just because we pursue and take the initiative with our careers it should be the same with asking men out - and they learn that that is apples and oranges -

another example - my friend met a great guy on the internet - they met once, and he said he would call and didn't - she called him and asked him out on a second date and had a great time - for the next week he called her a lot and saw her alot - probably three times - and then disappeared - what was obvious to me was that he didn't see her as potentially serious - he hoped he could do the whirlwind thing and get laid and then move on (she did not sleep with him) but quickly got bored because she usurped his role as pursuer.

My guess is the friends you are talking about either are not cases where the woman did the majority of the pursuing, asking, planning in the beginning - maybe she asked for a number, or called him - or they've been dating only a few months, or they are not dating seriously. Just a guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 6:37pm
>>I am surprised - how many long term

>>healthy relationships/engagements/

>>marriages do you know of where the

>>woman did most of the asking out and

>>planning (and treating) in the first

>>month to two months?

One marriage (5 years married), two engagements (3 & 2 years), and one "healthy-relationship" (~1 year) -- all within my immediate group of friends (obviously all about in my age group).

Certainly more than enough to be a 'fluke' or an abberation. In fact, in my age group, most of the UNsuccessful relationships that I know of are in which the GUY was the pursuer.

In fact, two guys I know right now who have 'serious' girlfriends are currently listed on match.com -- seeking other women (In other words, not a guy you'd probably want to have a real relationship with).

Oh yes, they pursue women - and I mean that as "multiple women simultaneously", even when they have a "girlfriend".

Unsuprisingly, the guys who are the biggest pursuers are also the ones that don't stop pursuing once they've 'caught' a woman.

And I'm guessing that I know a lot more guys that pursued women and had a 'failed relationship' than you know women that pursued a guy and had a failed relationship (since IMHO it seems the 'older generations' are more likely to have a more conservative attitude about the roles of men & women in dating). Thus, you've probably have very limited experience asking men out, as opposed to being asked out. Would this be a fair assesment?

Thus, while you might feel your advice is applicable for a 37 year old woman, it's certainly not good advice for a 'college girl' or 'highschool girl', etc. -- the generational differences are fairly significant, IMHO.

I'd also like to point out that despite the number of situations that's contradictory to your experience, I'm certainly not drawing the conclusion that it's ineffective to pursue a woman. (which you seem to be doing in regards to women asking men out). It can be successful - as successful as a woman asking a man out, when done properly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 7:05pm

Hello dykmanad, welcome to the board!


Honestly, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another... If you feel comfortable asking a man out for dinner then by all means do it. There is no "right" or "wrong" when trying to meet someone. What can be right or wrong are the intentions for asking...


It's difficult to categorize people by saying that this age group does this or it is right for this type of person... You just have to use your best judgement and do what you feel is best.


"Should girls always wait for the man to take initiative? Does he feel like he is being "pursued" if she does ask him out first?" - the answer to both of these is "no". There is no hard and fast rule. - If you are comfortable with it and he is comfortable with it then no harm is done, right?


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:52pm
I think we have different definitions of pursue - I expect that in the beginning the man will do most of the asking out on dates and most of the calling - I always call back promptly, especially if the call concerns confirming a plan we have for an upcoming date- other than that I don't expect a man to "chase" me - to keep calling if I don't return a call or to put up with game playing or moodiness - rather I accept dates happily, I am appreciative of his time, I am a good friend and listener - but in the beginning, no I will not do the asking out - and no man I know has ever had an issue with that. I have had this approach since I was in college and so have the vast majority of my friends. I do not think things have changed much. The women who did the asking also typically were the ones who slept with the man early on, and who developed cynical attitudes about those men when the men didn't call them again after the sex. I don't behave that way (i.e. I know I get emotionally attached through sex so I don't engaged in casual sex) and I am not cynical about men - to the contrary.

My best guess is in this poster's case - since he was not enthusiastic enough about her invitation to make set plans right away and instead made her wait till the day of the date my guess is his interest is lukewarm and he wasn't planning on asking her out.