Am I being played?

Avatar for suzy_corgan
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Am I being played?
4
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:40pm
I have a concern. I have known this guy, let's call him "Joe". Joe is a really nice guy, him and I have been good friends for 10 years. He calls me every once in a while. He tells me about his relationships, and I tell him about mine. The only thing is that lately Joe has been telling me that he wants to kiss me and be closer to me. He tells me that he thinks about me a lot, and that lately he wants a girl of substance in his life. He said he's tired of the dime a dozen scene. The only problem I have is that he is a player. When he dates someone he usually cheats on them or he gets bored. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship or get serious with him if I knew or found out that he was with someone else. That would ruin our long lasting friendship. I think that even a kiss, which is mostly what he wants, would ruin things between us. Last night he came over to my house and wanted to kiss me, but I pulled away. I am just confused, and I do want to kiss him, but I don't want things to get weird.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 5:01pm
He doesn't want to date you, he doesn't want a relationship - he wants to have sex without obligation and he's letting you know up front that his interest is physical and nothing else.

That way, if you do this and then it doesn't end up in anything but a booty call/friendship - you can't say that you've been 'played'.

he's not calling you up, asking you for a dates, keeeping the physical stuff to a minimum..he's over here saying "you turn me on, let's kiss and see where it leads."

That's "I want a booty call" - not "I want a partner that I admire and respect."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:36pm
I agree with doubleblade. Stand your ground! Tempting as it is to kiss, it will only lead to trouble in the future. Your instincts are usually right, and in this case, you sense that he is only trying to use you. Tell him outright that you do not want to have a physical relationship with him. If he asks, tell him the truth. You have nothing to fear. If he truly cares about you, he will respect your wishes and back off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:14pm
I agree with doubleblade as well. Unless he's asking you out on a date or something "formal," he's just looking for some quick action. Don't give in. I did that with a good friend of mine. We were friends who shared a lot and sometimes messed around. When I moved back home from college, he kept pursuing me saying he was interested etc. I knew he was a player, but I gave in and we started hooking up. When my feelings were there, he started the whole "we're just friends" and "I'm not ready for a relationship now" even though he was the one who initiated the whole thing. It was a really hard situation for me to get over and we still don't speak to one another, so I lost a friend, too. It hurts twice as bad as a relationship with someone who wasn't a friend first because there's a friendship and a romance there, so it's a double whammy. Stay on the safe side. If he really wants to be with you, he'll ask you out. I think he's just looking for nooky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:40am
Have got to agree totally.

There are many guys who are players and end up getting tired of that and getting married. Problem is when they get tired of the mairrage then end up going out to play again.

Some people sow their wild oats and then settle down and then get married and everything is fine.

But if he was at that stage he would approach it differently.

By the way been there done that. Had a friend for three years. He was a huge player. Really attractive British. Lets call him John. We were really close friends for three years and he was always hitting on me. After three years I gave in and we did it. Anyway he got so scared that I was pregnant after that ... which even was not a remote possibility. He started haranging me to go get a test (three days after we had sex) and then that I had to have an abortion. He ended up pestering me so much that I never spoke to him again. Like the last post said. Lost a friend and a lover in one day.

Men who have this active need to play like that have feelings of self inadequacy. They need to prove over and over to themselves that they can have any girl they set their sites on. And they don't think about your feeling while they are going after you. In fact the more that you pull back the more they pursue you. They may even be convinced that it is love. But its really their ego that is screaming I have to have her. And that gets translated into "I love her and want her". Once they catch their quarry then they get tired and move on. The challenge is gone. Only way to keep a man like this is to act like you are never really interested in him, even once you have him.

Wouldn't you rather not have all that stress and be in a relationship where you just can show your true and honest feelings without worrying all the time that he will bolt because you have poured out your heart?

Unfortunately, I know this game all too well..... And by the way.... your desire for him is also a little bit hinged on the fact that he is unattainable. So do a little ego check for yourself as well and then run away.

Good luck girl.