Is he a player or really interrested?!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is he a player or really interrested?!
7
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:29pm
Ok, here's my story...

I started casualy dating this guy about a month and a half ago. We get along GREAT and from the way we act together, even in front of his friends, you'd probably say we're gf/bf. There's just one problem...we're not. He's still dating this other woman he's been seeing as well. He told me when we first started dating that he's taking her to our town's formal banquet thing...and made it clear that we probably won't be able to talk much to each other there because she will keep him at arm's length....hello?! Then he goes and makes a big deal about me taking my guy friend as a date!

This guy is really confusing...he calls me nearly everyday, we go out nearly every weekend, and when I checked his cell phone I saw he'd only talked to her once in about a week. Today he texted my cell phone and asked if I loved him...I just countered with the same question (hey! Why put my feelings on the line?!) Needless to say he wouldn't tell me because I wouldn't tell him....I felt like I was in middle school again.

Either he's being REALLY sneaky about dating her or he's just trying to make me jealous. I really would like to date this guy exclusively...but I'm afraid he'll freak about losing his "grazing rights." What should I do? How should I talk to him?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:48pm
It's still pretty early in the relationship, and so I think that if you are interested in a long term relationship with this guy, it's important to lay the groundwork for open and honest communication. You're right, the "I won't tell you if you won't tell me" method doesn't work very well. I suggest you talk to him about what your expectations are. This is the only way you will know for sure what his are, and come to an understanding about the relationship. If you haven't talked about dating exclusively, then there is no reason for you to expect that this is the case. Until you do, he's not sneaking around with this woman, he's simply casually dating her just like he is casually dating you.

You should not be afraid about freaking him out about his grazing rights. After all, if he does freak out, what really have you lost? A guy that is not interested in dating you exclusively. Well, that's not much of a loss, considering that that is what you are interested in.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:32pm
I guess you're right about it still being early in the relationship. I suppose my problem is that I've been single for so long on top of the fact that I fall easily that I really felt like we were bf/gf there for awhile but then seeing him with her was like a big, fat reality check.

He's one of those guys that women, including myself, swoon over. The smooth talking, good looking, lady's man kind of guy. Yeah you know the type. The type that makes you feel like you're the only woman in the world...when in fact you're not.

Maybe that's not the type of guy that's good for me...I keep telling myself I'll just "have fun" with him and nobody will get hurt, when indeed I know I probably would. The thing about asking if I loved him really jolted something in me...usually guys are so petrified of the "L" word...that's why I found it so odd that he would even ask, that being the basis of my problem.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:39pm

You do realize he's just asking to massage his ego, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:44pm
I think it's a serious invasion of his privacy if you are checking his phone - if you don't trust him you have no business dating him. He is behaving the way he is because you are allowing it in the sense that you are willing to see him despite the situation. take responsibility for your own actions and stop the snooping, IMHO.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:29pm
Ok he knows I check his phone...for crying out loud he checks mine...it's just not that big of a deal to us. And when he asked me again if I loved him I told him "maybe" then asked him if he loved me and on what level...he said he was starting to love me...so I just don't know. It's hard going on these boards asking for people's opinions because everyone has such a different opinion!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:14pm
Why are you checking his phone? why isn't he allowed to have a life aside from what he does with you and why do you need to know who he calls and who calls him? Sounds pretty controlling to me, on both sides.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:19pm
I think you shouldn't take people's opinions as advice. YOU should make your own decisions. People here are trying to make one's situation more clear. They can see things what you are not able to see when you're in love/ think you're in love... In your case I think that you should be carefull with that guy. On some level he's a player but even players can have feelings at some point.