Heartbroken Lady
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| Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:59am |
I am slim, attractive for my age, routinely perceived to be younger than I am and routinely receive attention from much younger men. So when a 38 year old Hispanic temp at work (15 years my junior) starting the chase, it was not that unusual for me. What was unusual was the way I felt.
He chased me with progressively more response from me for 1 1/2 - 2 years. It started with flattering remarks, progressed to hand holding, kissing and finally seeing him outside of work 2-3 times a week for the past six months. I never had sex with him or allow him to freely handle me in inappropriate places though of course he tried and had to be stopped and asked and was refused. He was always bringing me small gifts, writing love notes, saying all the love talk a woman hears in her fantasies. For the first few months he was totally romantic and affectionate over me, without any talk of sex. We were like two kids. I know he had a genuine real crush on me. I could see it and feel it. It seemed harmless. During this year, He was true to me. Up to the very end (three weeks ago).
I fell hook, line and sinker. I was romantically in love just like a teenager. I created a terrible torment for myself. I was not free to have a relationship with him. We could not go out to eat, or to a movie or even shopping. Someone would be sure to see us in this small town. The gifts he gave me could not be shared with anyone or put on my desk. They had to be taken home and hid so no one would know. It was stupid from the beginning. I did not have the Spiritual conscious to consummate our relationship. In other words we could not really have a relationship. All we did was hang out and make out for six months at his place or mine. I did not want to loose my husband, the respect of my family and friends but I could not let him go. I was totally crazy for him. I quickly fell into what I now know was an obsessive relationship on my part and for a long time on his. He was all I thought about. I could not enjoy the weekends or vacation for being away from him. I truly could not fish or cut bait. I was miserable. I cried a thousand tears. I found out about half way through this that he had a wife and two children in Mexico. Too late I was already hooked.
I have been married to the same wonderful husband for almost 34 years. I have always been straight as an arrow and was as pure as the driven snow when we were married. We had a wonderful passionate marriage for many years. My husband has had problems sexually for 10- 13 years. He has taken some things but nothing seems to help. I know he loves me and there has never been anyone else for him. I love my husband but was totally vulnerable when Romeo came along.
I tried off and on the whole time to break it off. When I did, he would become very angry go a week or two without speaking and then start all over again. I would go back with him. I asked him many times to be just friends. Just last month, he wrote me a note, "I love you so much, that I cannot be friends, please understand". In other words it was either love or nothing with me Many times I have actually seen tears in his eyes and he has cried when he thought I was calling it quits. He constantly told me he loved me etc. He was very jealous. If he saw me talking to someone at work too long or too friendly he would often explode in anger, by slamming something down stalking out of the room, slinging his hand at me, etc. Then not speak for days. I was not playing games with him I was just so weak where he was concerned. I hated myself a lot and felt much guilt and shame. These were things I normally did not feel about myself. I felt so out of control and could not believe it was me involved in this mess.
A few weeks ago he became more insistent about sex. I had always from day one been honest with him that sex was not an option for us and explained why. Three weeks ago, at his request, I wrote a note in Spanish explaining that I was a Christian and just could not go that far. He was upset and has been furious ever since but has not tried to make any amends.
This week I have seen evidence that he has a new woman in his life. She is very attractive and probably close to his age (long blonde hair down to her waist) !! Of course I expected this. It has hurt, as I knew it would. In looking back I believe he probably met her and of course was attracted to her but held off until he was sure one way or the other of me. Which is probably one reason the sudden pressure for sex. Of course if he could have "nailed" me he would have been finished with me and went on to her at that point.
I have never experienced this type of heartache and loneliness for someone I cannot have. Hopefully it will soon pass. I am tired of crying every day like a child crying for the moon. There is no way he and I could ever have any type of lasting relationship. He would suck me dry financially and of course only being in American 3 years or so, his cultural is totally different. That is not to even mention the age difference and all the excess baggage. How I can know all this in my head and still hurt so. I cannot tell you.
Two questions:
1. Since he has obviously moved on with a much prettier and younger woman, why is he still so angry with me? It would mean so much and help me so much if we could have good closure. Wishing each other well and remaining friends at work. His childish actions, of stalking out of the room if possible when I walk in, turning his head if we pass in the hall, not allowing me to perform routine task for him at work when he needs help in the office, really hurt me. I did not deceive him. I had always been honest about it. I let him off the hook with me. What else can I do? I thought about writing him a goodwill note and at least have peaceful closure on my end. (If he will accept the note when I hand to him)
2. How can I get past the hurt and get back to normal? I miss him and the love and affection so much. I think the worse thing is, that being with him reminded me of what true new romantic passion was like. It has been so long since I felt it with my husband. Now I am again without it but instead of the cocoon of contented forgetfulness, accumulated through the years, there is a painful longing for what I am missing. He is able and free to move on and easily forget me. My marriage and my commitment to right and wrong still bind me. I do not want to be without these things. They are who I really am. I just have to find myself again.
I welcome any words of advice or encouragement or even a good tongue-lashing for being such a middle age fool. It helps just to talk to someone about it.

I think you need to take ownership for your (very poor and selfish, in my opinion) choices, decide that you're either going to work 100% on your marriage or get a divorce but please don't unburden your guilt by telling your husband.
Nothing you described about what you did has anything to do with your being religious or spiritual - indeed, your reliance on those terms sounds very hypocritical to me, as does all your flowery language which doesn't change the fact that you hooked up with some guy when you took vows where you promised not to.
Look, out of selfishness and self absorption you took this very destructive risk and now you're suffering the consequences. I just hope your husband doesn't have to.
It's OVER. It was a *moment* in your life that is no longer there for you to hold on to except to ACCEPT that you now have the opportunity to make amends to yourself for falling into what does sound like a painfully regrettable situation.
Focus on you now and your marriage/family. Put your energy into resolving whatever dissatisfaction you have about yourself, your marriage, your husband, and your life that made you fall for *another* married man's attention.
His life is his and how he handles what has gone on between you is his concern. Obviously he has his own issues too but that's beside the point.
Closure is what you give yourself. You do not get it from someone else. You can drive yourself nuts asking a gazillion "why's" but the way things are now is the reality. You can distort that reality with expectations to conform to your wishful thinking but it's a waste of energy and emotional resources.
It your *choice* HOW to move past this experience.... You sound regretful, which makes you and everybody else human. What is inexcusable is when you can not rise above it to be the person who you are meant to be, living the life that you chose and still have -- a husband and a marriage. Focus on that and let the flirtatious moments you *allowed* yourself to be in (with its consequent heartbreak) go by grieving and *learning* from them.
I suggest that you go to counseling to help you sort out all these. That takes work and admission of things about yourself that you probably do not want to acknowledge. You have to know what you *really* want, above and beyond instant gratification of a nostalgic longing of what is now OVER.
Edited 2/28/2004 1:40:45 PM ET by carmelsf
In any case, I felt as if I were hearing from a friend, someone who believed the pain I feel and cared. I was so touched by your caring advice that I could not help but cry.
I have printed it out to encourage me to do some of the things you suggest. Thank you again.
May God Bless you and keep me in your prayers.
Hello dbmeyou, welcome to the board!
There have been excellent thoughts and ideas presented here, many of which you should take note of. Keep this in mind when you do... we are all responsible for our own actions. No one forced you to do anything you didn't want to do. While you were discretionary in some respects, you were not in others. You were not free to enter into any type of relationship nor was he.
I think you have learned a lot from this experience and will put the learning experience to good use. Hopefully that will allow you to achieve closure on your own (you do not need him in order to do that.
I found it interesting that you professed to him that you you would not have sex with him because you are a Christian. Yet, the other behavior with him was anything but. Don't use that as an excuse or as a crutch - I don't think that picking and choosing the behaviors you allowed and the ones you withheld is in the essence of being a Christian. As my SO so aptly put it, Just going to chirch does not make you a Christian any more than walking into your garage makes you a car.
You will have to wrestle with the effects of your behavior. But, why are you so concerned about what this man will think, care or perceive when you have a husband at home that you should be thinking about? My philosophy always has been and always will be, get out of one thing before you get into another - it is less complicated that way. I think that is the lesson you have just learned.
"He is able and free to move on and easily forget me. My marriage and my commitment to right and wrong still bind me." - Yes, he is able and free to move on because he has no respect for his marriage. This isn't about him, this is about you - your choices, your commitments, your convictions... respect them, live up to them, honor them - you will feel much better in the end.
tg
Thank you for taking time to reply to my message.
Yes, there are many good thoughts and ideas prsented to me. I appreciate them all. I have printed them out to use as reference while I try to work through this. That includes yours.
You are correct, no one forced me into anything, it is my own fault. No one else's. I did not in any way mean to imply otherwise. Please do keep in mind my original message was written totally in retrospect when things are usually more clear. During the 1 1/2 - 2 year span the steps were so small, so gradual, at many times they appeared differently to me.
You are also right about "walking into a garage". I know what you mean. I am truly saved. Truly a Christian. Jesus is active in my life. I have been a Christian since I was 13 years old. Dedicated to Church and the Lord. I know my behavior was wrong and un Christian like. I know there are no "big or little" sins. I have been truly ashamed and sorry. Asked forgiveness. I have beaten myself up pretty good over this all this time. Thus the "guilt and shame" no peace, misery. Meeting a guy 2-3 times a week for an hour for some hand holding, smootching and declarations of his love for me, did not seem so bad when I mentally compared it to meeting him for sex. That of course was my poor attempt at rationalization.
I did not intend to use the Church or God as a crutch. I was just trying to be honest. Things were so subtle at first. One thing lead to another etc. But when he started pressuring me for sex,and I knew the count was down,it was like the prodigal son (New Testament) waking up in the hog pen and saying "what in the world am I doing?" What am I doing in this strange place(situation)? I am going to have to rise out of this and find "myself" again and remember who I am. I have people who love me and depend on me and people who I love. I felt like the old hymn "The Anchor Holds". My ship was battered(I had compromised) my sails were torn (I am wounded) but when it came right down to it, the anchor (God's anchor not my own) held in my life and I could not carry through which something I had always been taught so against. Even knowing the pain that would come with the final break from this man.
Also the love for my husband was too great to go that far. He is the only man I have ever been with. I wanted it to stay that way.
I now realize the release of this pain, forgiving myself and closure will take time.I am so sorry I did not handle things differently. I truly involved my heart in a fantasy which if I had had any experience in this sort of thing, I would have known better.
Please keep me in your thoughts.
Thanks again (even for the well-deserved punches).
by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove. It's helped me through tough times.
Good luck!