aversion

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
aversion
7
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:03am
I've been going out with a man for over one year. (We met on the net and are in our late 40s. ) I like him a lot. He is loving, caring, romantic, smart. We share a lot of interests. It's fun being with him. But, there is one thing that is bothering me more and more: He doesn't take care of himself physically. I've tried to overlook his physical unattractiveness at the beginning, because I really liked his character, charm, attentiveness. I have already let him on very gently about exercise, diet, going to the dentist. He agreed with me. But so far, nothing. He reeks of his pet. He is obese. It's gotten to the point where I avoid situations of intimacy with him. The sight of his bleeding gums is extremely unnerving. How do I tell him that this is turning me off immensely without sounding strange? (Or like a wife?) How do I let him know that personal hygiene and being well-groomed are important qualities to me without hurting his feelings? I don't even want to talk to him on this level. Why can't he figure out these basic things for himself? I haven't kissed him of late, why doesn't he get it? It's gotten to the point where I just don't want to see him anymore. Please tell me what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alice_002
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:47am
Alice...

The hygiene issue is going to be present no matter how long you continue to see this gentleman. But knowing how some of us men are "creatures of habit"---whether you can successful get YOUR b/f into a dentist, a gym, or even into the shower might be a lost cause!

Depending upon how receptive he is...Pianoguy thinks you need to tell him that as much as YOU LOVE HIM...the stench, the bleeding gums, and the bulbous maximus (fat belly) is starting to make you uncomfortable...and until he can seriously work on one of these problems...you need to take a little time off from dating!

Naturally...you run the risk of never hearing from him again. But I got the impression from the 2nd to last sentence in your post...that you are already prepared for the worst.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alice_002
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 8:14am
My guess is that he is probably depressed - and that is why he is not taking care of himself. I am surprised you would overlook your lack of attraction to someone in a romantic relationship - overlooking physical flaws is one thing but don't you need to feel attracted to the person?

I think that what you tell him is that in general you notice that he doesn't take care of himself. Ask him if he wants to shower with you (as a romantic gesture) - if the thought of that repulses you then I wouldn't continue to date him. I think there is a way of bringing this up without being a nag. Tell him that of course he is entitled to do what he wants as far as personal hygiene, but that you don't see yourself being with a life partner who doesn't take care of himself - because that will affect your life as well.

What also bothers me about your post - I know - and you probably know too - that no matter how good our personal habits are we increase them when we are in a romantic relationship - we make sure our hair is freshly washed for a date, that our clothes are flattering, that our legs are shaved, etc -(and I have been dating someone on and off for 6 years and I still put in that extra effort and he appreciates it, I know) it sounds to me like he is putting in no effort and that would make me wonder about his investment in the relationship.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: alice_002
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:54pm





Hi


This is ticklish for sure but this guy sure needs help -he's walking around with bleeding gums, oy!

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
In reply to: alice_002
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:02pm
Thank you very much, to each and every one of you. I have taken your advice, talked with him, we are still talking, and he is determined to fix himself up - for himself. I appreciate your support, encouragement, and wise words. Big hugs, thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: alice_002
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:04am
As a woman who once dumped a man for refusing to wash his hands ever... I have to say I'm not sure how you've endured his lack of hygeine for this long. Are you friendly with anyone in his life who could help you drop hints (a sibling or friend, maybe)? If you really like him and think he'd clean up if he knew it was a problem, then you should definitely talk to him. I know it's not something you want to talk about, but he may be thinking there is a much worse problem (since you haven't even kissed lately). Finding out that it's something he can fix may be a relief to him. If you're turned off irreparably even if he did change you still don't think you'd be attracted to him, then I'd say cut your losses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: alice_002
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:38pm
I am soon to be divorced from a man who would regularly forget to brush his teeth. It wasn't a problem when we were dating for some reason. But soon after we were married he started getting cavitites in the front teeth! When this happened I urged him to go to the dentist and get the cavities fixed, and I also started putting post-it notes on the door in case he forgot to brush, this would remind him before he walked out the door and into the world with unbrushed teeth. He thought I was nagging and wanted me to stop. I thought I was being helpful, since according to him it was just a problem of remembering. He won the argument and I stopped reminding him. Unfortunately his teeth gradually worsened over the years, and although tooth decay was not the primary cause of the decay of the marriage, it did not help.

God bless any future girlfriend that gets him to actually care about dental hygeine.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: alice_002
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:00pm
I'm glad to hear that you talked and he wants to make some changes in his hygiene habits. Because quite honestly, your original post made me a bit queazy.... (bleeding gums, dog stench!)

My hat is off to you for trying to look past these "issues" to the inner qualities of this man. But hon, caring about one's physical condition is also a character measure.

Let's hope he actually follows through and starts taking care of himself. Maybe he'll find out he enjoys bathing on a regular basis!