Will he ever commit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Will he ever commit
2
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:33am
Hello.

My boyfriend of three years told me last week that he does not ever want to marry again? He was married before and I was not. We have been together for three years and have a 12 month old son together. His past marriage ended badly, but he does not understand that this is something I have never experienced before. He says he loves me, and I love him with all my heart,so why won't he commit? We were only seeing each other a week when he told me that he would love for me to have his child. He has never had any of his own. We have problems because he parties too much, and I'm grumpy sometimes. I'm grumpy because he is never home to spend time with me. I'm very depressed over this. What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:43am
Its funny that you bring up committment. I have been with someone for 3.5 years and well we are still not engaged and when I bring it up he shys away from the issue. I think that maybe since your man's last relationship ended badly, he is afraid to go through marriage again right now out of fear of getting hurt. He may know that you are the right one for him but isnt ready to take that step yet. You have a child together and you live together. I dont think he is going anywhere. I think he will come around when he is ready - but until then, you should show him that you love him by being understanding so he can see that there is no reason in the world he should not marry you.

As far as going out. I would definately sit him down and talk to him. He has responsibilites at home and should have some guidlines - he should set them and commit to them so that he can go out and be with his friends but at the same time be there for you and your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:49pm
I don't think the question is Will he ever commit? b/c he HAS committed...just not in the way YOU want. Marriage is not the only type of committed relationship that exists. Unfortunately it’s the one you want, but it’s not the one your SO wants. The time to discuss that and find out you were on different relationship paths was before you had a child together, not after. If you knew that before but proceeded anyway hoping he would change his mind, then it’s not his fault that that gamble didn’t pan out for you. He has the right to want and need what he wants and needs, just as you do. He doesn’t need a marriage license to be committed to you. Many people feel that way and never marry their partner. You can’t make someone change their mind or behave as you want them to, nor should you try. Everyone has the right to their own values, desires, goals, priorities, etc. The trick is finding someone who matches you on all those fronts (and more). Normally I’d tell you not to settle if you’re not happy with things as is, but if you have a happy, healthy relationship in all other ways, perhaps you should consider just trying to adjust to it as is and not focus so much on the one thing you feel is missing. I just know that forcing someone into marriage is never a good idea. Good luck.