Any Tips for Dating a divorced man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Any Tips for Dating a divorced man?
9
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:26pm
I have recently started seeing a man who is divorced with 2 young kids, he has shared custody of them.

We have an awesome connection...We have slowly started to get to know each other and so far we are moving at a slow pace, my choice. He has told me that he is ready to move forward with his life now and is in search of finding someone to spend the rest of his life with.

He recently told me that I have stirred all these feelings in him that he has never felt before & it scares him a little because obviously he doesn't want to get hurt.

I have told him that I feel those feelings too and that we need to go slow, get to know each other to see if we are a proper fit and go from there. That these feelings we are feeling is new to both of us and we deal with it together.

He is so far a great person & he says that he is ready to date again but what he is talking about seems to be beyond dating. It almost sounds like he is looking for another wife and he looks at me as someone to fit that mold...

Am I crazy, is he crazy? Any tips?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:33pm
I don't think either of you sounds crazy at all. Your attitude -- take it slow -- sounds wise. He may think he wants to go a lot faster but if he has his way, he may panic and bolt. It sounds to me like you are doing fine -- just listen to your own advice.
Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 2:06pm
How long ago was his divorce and was it his choice or hers?

My on-again/off-again relationship sounds quite similar in that I met my divorced man and he was VERY into me the first few months, saying wonderful things about me and promising the moon. However, we did move far too fast and I ignored warning bells going off in my head, whcih is why we're in trouble now, so I'd also recommend you take things easy until you're both sure of what you want and that this is going to be a strong, long-term thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 3:01pm
It sounds like he is newly divorced. As a rule I won't date someone divorced less than a year no matter how long the separation or why the divorce. He sounds like he is on a different wavelength than you as far as what he is looking for. also I wouldn't let the kids be around you too much unless you decide you are getting engaged very soon. Certainly no sleepovers with the kids around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 7:57am
umuran...

Being a divorced man, would you mind if I contribute a male's perspective to your question?

There are usually 2 types of divorced men.

There are some of us who see a beautiful woman (like yourself) and automatically jump into a new relationship. We see potential "mate" in you! We sense that you'd be a great lover and companion for us, know you'd be terrific with our existing children, and that you might have the desire to pro-create one or two with us? Naturally, we don't want to let you get away and fall into somebody elses arms...so this type is inclined to "push the envelope" and try to set up house.

The second type of divorced man...is the one who (while you might be the best person to ever come into his life)...still has regrets about the failure of an earlier marriage. It's all well and good for an outsider to say "get over this and move on"...but a few of us blame ourselves, our Ex, and may have other issues connected with reasons our earlier marriage fell apart. So while we might want you desperately, there's still a side of us that might be afraid your kindly Dr. Jekyll will turn into Ms. Hyde! We can still admire, love and respect you...but a few of us might take the process s-l-o-w-e-r than you would like us to.

Date for year, get to know each others 'perks and quirks' and take a serious look at your relationship 365 days from now.

Best of luck to you,

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 10:07am
His divorce on paper is 2 years ago, I am gathering that she kicked him out since he was sleeping in his car for a short time frame...

Oh, I am in no rush........

I have my own goals to accomplish, which is to finish school set myself up career wise, move out on my own etc...I have already told him that...

I think what has helpt me is my sister who has gone through a seperation herself. Through her experience I guess it has made me wiser and smarter & cautious...

I want to go slow because I have learned through my own past, that it rarely works out for me.....

You know we are still at the holding hands and lightly kissing faze, I never thought that I would like that so much but I do....Until I am ready to go to the next step I am going to enjoy where I am....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 10:21am
I totally appreciate your input "Piano Guy" thanks so much for replying.

It sounds like so far my guy is the first one that you described, he has been divorced now for 2 years. He seems to be super confident in wanting me as a future partner and I at times I don't know how to handle it...

It is does not remotely bother me that he had been married or that he has kids or even that he is slightly older. The only concern that I have is that he comes on this strong now and I let my guard down and boom he is gone....

I am not ready to move at the pace that he wants right now, I have my goals that I need to accomplish before I am 30 and they are very important to me and my future and I think he understands that. more importantly, I need to move slowly make sure that this is something that I want with all my heart....

Any suggestions on how to deal with his intense comments about our future? when I am still trying to get to know him..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 5:06pm
umuran...

You could play this a few ways.

Stress the fact that you have some personal goals that need to take priority at the moment before you can consider settling down. But emphasize the fact that you like him and would like see how things "come together" over the course of a year.

Now if he doesn't get the hint that you're not in a hurry to become a "MRS"...or get too seriously involved...you might have to try a little 'trial separation' until the man realizes that his priorities aren't yours...at least at the present time.

Best of luck.

Pianoguy

Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 10:50pm
To Umaran and Pianoguy. Well, my guy started out as the first pianoguy describes and turned into the second and half an hour ago we broke up for good over the phone. And it hurts like hell. I miss him already and I don't know where to go from here. But I wish you better luck - I really do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:14pm
chilaili...

Pianoguy doesn't think there's such a thing as "a comfortable breakup!"

When 2 people have invested a lot of time, love and shared their feelings...and all of a sudden...EVERYTHING COMES CRASHING DOWN...it's a brutal experience.

My only suggestion is to try and 'slowly nurse yourself' out of the pain you're going through. Granted...it's the worst experience in the world to be hurt...and this is easy for an outsider to say...but "this too shall pass!"

Hopefully...you'll be a little stronger and will recognize the 'signs of discontent' in any future relationship?

Pianoguy (who is telepathically sending you a "verbal hug" today).