I dont know what im doing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
I dont know what im doing...
1
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 5:36pm
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about almost 4 years now. The first few years were wonderful...and we still do love each other very much. But this past year, right after he started a new job, things started getting hard on us. He has always loved me very much and I'm his first girlfriend and we both have always considered marriage. At one point, I might have been hard on him at some point just because I wanted the best for us. For instance, I might have made comments about him spending money on toys...or other things, just because I wanted the best. He worked for about a year and a half at tower records and got to be friends with everyone there, including a girl who started to pursue him. He would always tell everyone at work that he wanted to marry me and say all these sweet things about me, and they would tell me. I started to get insecure and stupid about things that I made it difficult for a while. Whenever we would go in his store and "shanna" the girl that was into him would say hi, I would get all stupid. I never used to get bothered by other girls except that this one was different. He told me after about a year of working there..that he heard from another co-worker that she liked him. He told me about it jokingly and I didnt think it was very funny. I began to take it seriously and feel uncomfortable every time we would go in when she was there. She seemed all sweet, but she had alterior motives in mind. She knew that I was struggling with him and they would talk online sometimes. My boyfriend, Dave, has always been a very compassionate guy, sometimes too much so because he started to be there for her when she would message him online and talk. He used to joke around about her because he thought she wasnt attractive and that she always liked the new guys at work. I noticed all of a sudden the jokes stopped and he began to lie about talking to her. I asked him to his face if he was talking to her and he said no, and if he did it was only about me and good things. I believed him for a while and jus shut up. Then I started to get suspicious and actually was stupid enough to message her and ask her questions. I wanted to see if he was telling the truth, so I asked her if he talked to her online, and she said they do talk a lot, and about me. I asked her about her feelings towards him and she blatantly came out and told me that she told him that she was started to fall for him, and he told her that "it's different for him because hes with someone". well, things started happening and before i knew it, I found out he quit his job at towers because something secret happened and they told him that he couldnt come into work becuase they're doing an investigation. Shanna and him are both supervisors that night that something supposedly happened so they were both suspended. I found out, after pulling the truth out of him, that he actually got fired because someone was looking to get shanna fired and he was just there at the right time to be fired with her. He sent her home early that night because her grandfather died and so he gave her a hug, and i was angry. He said that they called it "misuse of the companys time" and they fired both of them. After that, things went totally downhill for us. I couldn't trust him because he always wanted to take care of me and he felt not good enough and that he didnt have a job and eveyrthing. One night when I was with him i found pictures on his computer sent to her from his webcam that looked like he was flirting and making it look like he was showing her "ahem". i was so angry and told him to never speak to me again. He started being depressed and told me hes sorry and made some excuse. I dont want to make this story too long so, then I find out that he went to see a movie with her becasue she offered, and I only found out because she told me. He woulnd't have told me anything except lies. I just couldnt believe anything he said. My trust was totally broken. He was trying to make every excuse that he was not interested in her and that they were just "friends" so like it was okay that they went out that one time together. I hated that he never understood because I warned him so many times that he shouldnt be talking to her and leading her on becuase if he really loved me he would tell her that he cant be in contact with her. I did it before with my guy friends so i figured how hard could it be for him. I told him we needed time apart and he agreed. I figured time apart meant, working on ourselves and not being with someone else. Then i started to find things out like that he invited her to the movies with his friends one night. He went to the gym with her and I went there and confronted them and left. His sister told me that she was over in his room at one point just "hanging out" from what she could see. I found these things out and totally decided to cut ties with him and for about a month i didnt take his calls or anything, he stopped talkig to her for a while and she started getting bothered. Right on christmas eve, he told me he really wanted to see me and begged to pick me up and go to christmas service with me, we did and after that weve been together ever since, trying to get past everything. The thing is, it's like he's changed in some ways. I hate being so prying and suspicious all the time because I try not to be and then I end up making him angry because I ask stupid questions about what he did and the past. He wants me to look past everything and he makes like those two months that we were apart that i can just simply "forget it" becuase hes trying his best to earn my trust back. He always tries to reassure me that nothing happened and that she was just there forhim because he doesnt really have any other friends to talk to during that time. I believe him, but I still dont like that fact that he hides his cell phone, and that he even "receives" her calls...even if it is to ask him to go out with a bunch of other people. For one thing, I told him, why cant you just totally get her out of our lives and just tell her to leave you alone because i know she would listen if he said that. But he just cant do it and I ask him why he just cant let her go and he says he has and he wants me to now. I believe he doesnt see her or talk to her on the phone, unless she calls. He says not even that...but I would find spiteful messages on his cellphone because shes angry about him going out to a movie with me...even though we are together. She left a message on his webpage saying how wonderful he is and that the good ones are always taken. He erased his page, but only after I told him i was so bothered and I dont know if i want to be involved in this anymore. I think he would have left her comments on if i didnt say anything. I told him, isnt it enough that she called you when we first got back together and lied and said to tell me to stop calling her and said that I was asking her all these questions. I can honestly say that I did NOT call her and he knows that becuase she even admitted it to me that she lied about me calling. The main thing that makes me feel so insecure is the past of course. Never really feeling like I know the whole truth. Wondering if she's calling him and if hes actually talking to her. Sometimes I think I'm past it because he has told me that he is doing everything for me and he has been really showing himself true, except I just have these feelings that I want to get rid of. I hate being so insecure and asking stupid questions, but sometimes I really dont feel like he understands that he did anything wrong by talkig to her so much and seeing her during those times. I know that hes being honest about not seeing her, but sometimes I just feel like I'm going out of my mind worrying about something that isnt even important, like them talking. I know I have valid reasons to feel insecure and all of my closest friends have told me that but yet I feel so ridiculous sometimes. I want to get past this and I've been doing really good about not asking so many questions and implying things. I just wonder, from another woman's point of view, am i crazy? It's funny to say that but I want to know, should I consider what he did cheating?....cause he just thinks of it as "friends"...sorry for such a novel but thanks to whoever is reading this.=)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 6:43pm
Wow, that was quite a post. And yes, I read the whole thing. First of all, let me tell you that you did the right thing in dropping him for a while before Christmas. And maybe he really does love you, because he came back to you a month or so later.

I don't blame you for feeling insecure when another girl falls for your boyfriend and he thinks it's funny. And it's not that he thought it was funny; he liked it, I'm sure. If you are his first girlfriend, I'd say the odds are pretty good that he wanted to expand his horizons before he settling down, if you know what I mean. I know I'm removed from your situation, but my instinct from reading your post is that yeah, he messed around with this girl and is lying to you if he says he didn't. Just because he says she isn't attractive to him doesn't mean anything - it's endearing when someone has a crush on you, whether they're good-looking or not.

BUT I must tell you that being incredibly jealous will not get you very far. If you want to drive him away, acting in that way is a good way to do it. No, you're not crazy. Yet. But you will be if you continue to let this girl get to you. You said he tells his friends he wants to marry you. But does he tell you that? I guess you'll have to decide if you can deal with what went on with this Shanna girl and move on, or if you're going to hang on to what happened. I think the problem you have is not knowing exactly what went on, and you might never know. He might be telling the truth and he might not, but prodding him into giving you the answer you think is right will deep-six your relationship in no time flat.

You're going to have to draw your own conclusions and go from there. Ask yourself, Can I really trust him? Will this happen again? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Do I want this person to be the father of my children? I have been in your shoes before, and I know it sucks. But getting psycho about something that happened months ago will make things suck a lot more, believe me.

Don't let him lie to you. You deserve the truth, and if he can't give you that, well then, he can't have you. Set a high standard and don't make excuses for him, even though you love him. And unfortunately, loving him is what makes things really hard when you have to deal with things like this.

Good luck to you, happychild...whatever decision you make, do it for your own happiness. That's the very best advice I can give.

-Goose