Confused- Needing YOUR opinion!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Confused- Needing YOUR opinion!!!
11
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:07pm
Hello Everyone,

I will tell you a true story. It's about a 23 year old woman who met her first love 2 months ago. He gave her his number where they both work and she called him. As she got to know him better she found out that he has 3 kids from a previous marriage and alot of baggage. She was willing to deal with anything because she was so madly in love with him. They went out on a few dates. He gave her roses, a silver ring and many stuffed animals. They were in love. Then he didn't call her when he said he would and for 3 weekends in a row had no time for her at all. She thought she would have a life with this man, since they seemed really made for each other. Naive girl, I know. He still seemed like he was paying attention to her just enough to keep her with him. She loved him and didn't want to leave but wasn't happy. When he called her she said they needed to talk and she said her concerns. His reply was to suggest the two breaking up. Her heart was broken. Does he want to dump her? He still called and bought her things but had many excuses why he can't spend time with her. She is now halfway out the door but needs a good explanation from him first. He is also very secretive- very reluctant to let her see his apartment, she never has. Yes, the thought of him cheating has crossed her mind but intuition says he's not. Please Help! Any advice appreciated! Thanks! Sorry it's so long!

~The past is history and the future is a mystery~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:37pm
Sharox -

Why is she only halfway out the door? "She loved him and didn't want to leave but wasn't happy." If he is making her unhappy and doesn't seem to care, she needs to break the door down and leave! And he's secretive about his living space...could just be a slob or growing marijuana or something...but has she met his three kids? That could be the reason...maybe they're holy terrors, and maybe that's what's kept him so busy for three weekends in a row, unless Mom has them. And are you sure she was in love? Two months...a few dates...presents...I dunno...maybe she thought she was in love and he wasn't at all. Hard to tell. But what isn't hard is that yes, he wants to dump her - he said so. Don't let her hold on; he sounds not a little bit creepy!

-Goose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:14pm
Two thoughts:

1. All of this transpired in two months? That is alot of activity.

Reminds me a bit of a tornadoes, they are exciting yes, but often destructive.

2. She is 23? Oh so young. Not that there's a thing wrong with being young!

But - relatively speaking, when you are 23, two months seems such a longer time than at 33, 43 etc.

I'm sorry to hear that she is hurt and confused. I trust however that she will gain a bit of wisdom from this experience. I can't predict what will happen, or tell you what's going in his head. Maybe she'll walk away from this knowing that the fire that burns the hottest also tends to burn itself out.

I suspect however, that there aren't any lost opportunities for true and lasting love to be found in this conundrum. This man has alot on his plate, and it may take him many years to get everything in order. This generally tends to be true when people get divorced, even more so when children are involved. And perhaps ironically, the better the man, the more conflicted he may be about moving on with another woman.

Meanwhile, she should be gentle with herself, give herself credit for taking a chance, and look forward to the womanly wisdom that she will derive from this experience, as time passes.




Edited 3/22/2004 10:28 pm ET ET by iemiwe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:15pm
Hello, the guy is already IN a committed relationship -and he can't plan or schedule things unless she's guaranteed to be out of town or unavailable - and she's been around so he's spending time with her. He'll pick up paying attentiont o you again when she's unavailable.

You're a commodity - nothing more - by his way of viewing it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:18am
goose,

thank you for your candid advice. I am going to let him go. He causes me more pain than pleasure. I know that there are alot of fish in the sea but I am new to the sea since he was my first love. Where do you find a good man these days? Thanks again. :) Sharox1

~The past is history and the future is a mystery~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:24am
iemiwe,

Thanks for your response. It makes me feel better to read it. I decided to let him go since his games are making me feel like a fool. I will take this experience and try to learn from it. Not be so naive and trusting. As for now I will try to move on and get over him. I have to see him daily since we work at the same place. Thanks again for your support and wisdom. :) Sharox1

~The past is history and the future is a mystery~
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:55am
youve never seen his apartment...have you called his apartment? do you have his home number?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:09pm

This started 2 months ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 6:51pm
Bratgirl2002,

Thanks for the message. I have called his phone at his apartment. That's the original number that he gave me. He wanted me to call it up until fairly recently. When I call I get the answering machine or him, so I don't think there is another woman there. His insistance on me not calling it is suspect. though. :) Sharox1

~The past is history and the future is a mystery~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:48pm
Just an opinion,she should just walk out the door and close this chapter and lock it shut. I am sure there are many reasons for his not allowing her to see his place but from a male perspective perhaps he is already involved and living with someone or perhaps he has some strange habits at home. Either way I can only say to your friend she should just take it as a experiance to learn from and move on. At 23 she has the whole world out there and considering this guy sounds like a total"L" she should be ok in that she took a chance and even though it didn't work out it will give her things to look for before stepping into another relationship. Hope she is ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:54pm
You wanna' hear something really creepy??? I am in the exact same situation you are...it's so strange! I'm also 23 yrs old and started someone who had 2 kids from a previous marriage & 2 full time jobs to juggle--also about 2 months ago. I made it clear to him from the beginning that I had my doubts that I can be truly happy if we had a relationship because of all his obligations but he was so sweet & attentive that I fell for it. After the first month he told me he loved me and I THOUGHT I felt the same (after getting different opinions from these msg boards I realized that it was naive of me to believe it was love--you can actually see my post "Is this worth working out?"..I also came hear looking for advice about my situation!), but after awhile he started spending less and less time w/ me-it didn't feel like he was making an effort anymore and I also felt that he was paying "enough" attention just to keep me with him. There was ALSO 2 weekends in a row that he didn't spend time w/ me and didn't bother making it up to me. I never saw his apartment either, but I know he wasn't cheating (when would he find the time) and cuz' we talked on the phone about twice a day..but we hardly saw each other. I was always frustrated cuz' there was nothing I could do (he DID have other responsibilities) and I always missed him, and we eventually started fighting a lot and after awhile he just REFUSED to talk about our issues and just wanted me to "deal w/ it". I hated the fact that everything was on his terms but was willing to continue on w/ the relationship as long as he put in the same amount of effort I did--I wasn't gonna' just "take what I can get". Well we had a big fight about 3 weeks ago and he stormed out and I haven't heard from him since (I was actually gonna' post something on this board asking what I should do...). We were supposed to cool off just to figure things out but he hasn't even

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that I know EXACTLY what you're feeling, and I know it definitely doesn't feel good to be at the bottom of his priority list. Don't be afraid to let him go, you deserve to be with someone who can make you completely happy and can devote their time and energy into the relationship--he should be able to understand that (if you're looking for a way to explain it to him). You weren't as happy as you can be, and you seem to be understanding enough of the situation, yet he still doesn't try to make you feel better. At least it's better to know what he can offer you now, rather then fight about it constantly and end up hating each other (learn from me!). And now that I can see my exact problems in YOUR situation, I should take my own advice, huh?

Feel free to email me...let me know how it goes!

Best wishes. =)

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