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| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:38am |
I don't really know how to start so here goes...
I lived with a man for 4 months after seeing each other for only 6 months.(I am 24, he is 28) Things were going awesome when I was offered an excellent position with a really good company. We live 10 hours away from each other and in the winter the roads can be impassible. We managed long distance for 8 months before he went away for summer vacation and slept with his ex-girlfriend. He came clean and after 2 months (give or take)of not speaking he eventually got a hold of me when I went to visit family in the same town has him.
Since then I have dated other men and he has been with other women has well. The problem is, I still love him and want to be with him. He feels the same way and I sincerely believe he is very sorry for his....mishap.
So now the contract for my job is coming to an end and I find myself debating what to do. The full time position I am being offered would be good financially and i find it unlikely that I will ever work for a company this good again. The only thing is, I don't enjoy the job. hmmmmmm. I travel a lot and have found it difficult to meet and keep friends. I am away for 3 weeks at a time some months. I find it difficult to have a life, even.
I am worried that maybe I am taking the easy way out by going back with him. I know a few people in the town I live in but I am still pretty lonely. We have talked about it and he said he is willing to wait 3 months for my contract to run out, even though we will not be able to see each other in that time.
Am I a big sucker? Any random thoughts or opinions will be gratefully accepted. I have triied to be has objective has possible so excuse this if it sounds wooden!
Cheers

Good luck.
I agree with the other poster that you need to know why he cheated. It was not a mishap, it was a choice he made. I would be VERY wary of getting back together with someone who did that unless he had sought counseling as to why he did it and knows how he is going to avoid doing it again. Otherwise he is likely to cheat again. I'm guessing your ex has not done this. Therefore, I think you should think long and hard before giving up a good job for him.
As for the job . . . you say you don't like your current job. Do you know what else you want to do? Is the new field something where you could find a job in your current city OR where you used to live?
You say that your job is a good one but you don't enjoy it. In that situation, it is often a wise move to stay in your current job until you find a new one. You don't have to stay there forever. But if it is working for you right now, why not stay there for a little while until the right job comes along?
I really think that at this young age you should focus on developing your career and finding out what you want to do with your life - rather than rearrange it and hinder your career to return to an ex who cheated on you. But you have to make your own decision.
What helps me sometimes when faced with a tough decision, especially one where I have strong emotions and have difficulty looking at things objectively, is to write it out on paper. Make a list of the pros and cons of staying where you are vs. moving, and a list of pros and cons of going back to the cheating ex vs. not going back to him.
I hope this helps.
I think the biggest decision you need to make is determining what it is you need to do for yourself to make YOU happy. It sounds like you're trying to find your happiness from external means, whether it be a boyfriend, a job or other people. None of those things are going to give you full-fledged happiness if you're not happy with how you lead your life and part of that is making the choices that are the absolute best ones for you.
I'll give you the Cliff Notes version of what happened to me, as a good example of why you NEED to know what's best for you, regardless of those around you. I was dating a guy for 4-5 months, he decided he wanted to move back east to be closer to his family. I made the choice to go with him, quit my job (which I wasn't loving at the time), started extracting myself from my lease and preparing myself to leave a place I truly loved. Two weeks before we were supposed to move, he decided he didn't want to, that he wasn't ready. There I was, no job, no apartment (or so I thought), basically nothing to my name but my furniture and my car. It took me three months to find another job, in which time I borrowed money from my bf to pay bills. I finally took a temp. job and the boyfriend decided to break up with me becuase he couldn't deal with how unhappy I was. So at that point, I had a temp. job, no boyfriend and making about 5k less than I had been thus not being able to live as I had before, all with a massive fear that I'd never get back into my career field again.
It was a huge blow to me, but it was a major eye opener as well. I've worked hard in the past 1 1/2 years to make sure I'd never allow myself to be in that position again and the only reason I was in it in the first place was because I didn't have enough self-respect to look deep inside ME to acknowledge what would have been best for me in the long run, with or without the boyfriend. I lacked the self- esteem, self-worth and self-awareness to make those decisions at that time and the 'lack' of those things made me truly despise the person I had become.
I know the circumstances are exactly the same, but I think there are some definite similarities in what you're now doing and what I was doing. Think long and hard about your choices, because in the end the only person who has to live with them 24/7 is you.
Good luck,
Michelle
Michelle
Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis