falling for someone unexpected??....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
falling for someone unexpected??....
3
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:47pm
This is a little confusing for me right now. I posted awhile ago about getting involved with someone as a "friends with benefits" only relationship. Well, for various reasons beyond our control we haven't "seen" each other yet, although we have spent some time together with other people around. He is always attentive, and not too touchy, but puts his hand on my arm or rubs my neck etc.

I knew he has had something for me for years, but I have always been in a relationship until a year ago. I just never saw myself with him, but after that one night together a month back, that's when I decided it would be fun to have this type of formentioned relationship. I don't think he was expecting me to say this to him. Anyways, we both agreed it would work. Now that we hve been seeing each other, and still nothing has happened, I have been thinking that one day I could like him as more than just a f***buddy. I don't want to be dishonest, yet I don't want to get in too deep too fast either, and I think he would have pursued me in a different way had I not approached him with this type of relationship. I haven't fallen for him yet, but I can see it happening. What should I say to him? Should I tell him the truth, even though it's not how I feel at this moment? Thanks for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:36pm
If you don't feel that way about him, why are you telling him? Because you feel yourself going down that road? In that case, perhaps it would just be best if you didn't sleep with him for a while, so that you can rationally assess your feelings for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:09pm
HEre's the thing...do some backwards research.

FWB is "we're friends first and foremost, we like sex without emotional attachment and involvement regarding a future commitment (aka - we like to do it - we're horny people)..and we want to combine these activities. So, there's no romance (often not even any if much kissing) no physical public affection, there is nothing but "getting it on"..and doing whatever it is you two always did as "platonic friends".

That's what you've suggested to this man....and told him - that I need physical gratification and who the person is in terms of "future potential" makes no difference to me. I want to know them as a person but I do not have ot see a future with them to get my rocks off with them - repeatedly.

FWB is rarely agreed to by men "wanting to date you" - they simply detach and refuse to date you or have FWB. That's because men are more logical and realize that what people want is determined by their values and priorities. If you don't valuea nd prioritize a committed relationship - then having sex with you won't get them that. They want a committed relationship - they need to be dating people that do want what they want - so that there is some potential of getting what is mutually desired at some point with this someone, or a someone else who also wants this same thing.

FWB Is OFTEN agreed to by women who "want to date and form a relationship" - but they can't get the guy to ask them out - and so they settle for hanging out/hooking up/hoping unrealistically for more.

You're attributing your reasoning to him.....that if you wanted a relationship (which you don't right now) you'd be open to any and ever person as a potential partner. Whether you've had "just sex" before, been "just friends" before - or if you've never met them until you started dating.

He's sitting there going - okay - at this point in her life she doesn't value, want, or prioritize a committed relationship - I want that. I don't need to sit there screwing her while wanting ot date her...I need to date people that want what I want so that sex is more than physical gratification.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:53pm
It's not too late to change your mind about the FWB arrangement. Don't do it if you're not sure, or if you think you would sabotage the chance for another kind of relationship with this guy.

He's a man and he would probably have sex with you since you offered it and because he's attracted to you. He would have sex with you even if he was disappointed that you didn't offer "more" in terms of a future relationship. I think MOST men would jump at the opportunity to have sex with a woman they are attracted to, under reasonable circumstances.

But once the sexual relationship has started, it can change things. Sometimes, it brings you closer. But more often than not -- because the two people are not on the same page -- it complicates and ruins things.

In your case, you already feel yourself developing "feelings" for this man. So the chance for a safe FWB are pretty slim already. So, here's what you can tell him if you change your mind: Tell him you've reconsidered and you don't think that that arrangement would be a comfortable situation for you. You prefer to have traditional dates. Leave it at that. If he's interested in pursuing a more romantic relationship with you, he will do so. He might not do it right away. I'd give him at least a month to process the information and come to the realization that he wants "more" from you than a few rolls in the hay.

Good luck.


Edited 3/23/2004 5:55 pm ET ET by jilly73