Girl friend who is not health conscious!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
Girl friend who is not health conscious!
3
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:17pm
Hello everyone:

I am in a committed relationship. I love my girl friend and everything seems to be going great. THe problem i have right now is to be able to let my girl friend know that i want her to lead a healthy life and also be motivated to loose some weight.



She is a little on the heavy side but i liked her for her personality and i find her attractive. The problem is that she has been too complacent about the way she looks and doesnt seem too motivated about working out and stuff while me on the other hand, I am conscious about my weight, try to eat healthy and exercise whenever i can.



So as a result of this she has gained some weight and i am kinda worried about it. I do love her for who she is but i feel that i might not find her attractive if she doesnt take care of her body. I did bring up the issue and have given her every possible hint that she should be working out and that it is good for her etc.....but she doesnt seem to take it too seriously. I do let her know that i am very conscious about my own weight thinking that it would send her a message....but then she instead tells me that she would love me the same no matter what.....So i am like....OK. So the problem is that she doesnt think that it is a big deal.



We dont live together so that makes it even more hard but i need someone to give me some ideas to get her motivate her and let her know that i do love her but she does have to take care of her body and stay fit to be physically attracted.



Any ideas and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Joe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:57pm
Joe,

Give it up.

What a person as an individual values and priorities justifies and entitles thier actions. And here's where you're at......because some people will tell you you're shallow and you're not - at least not necessarily.

People that want an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative dynamic in a partnership......want someone that shares their interests, values, goals, and priorities. That it what makes you have things in common - things you do together, things you pursue as individuals and take interest in on account of the other.

So, the life and lifestyle that someone is leading when you come along is one of two things. It's either a) GREAT by their standards - they defined successful, secure, happy, complete - they've achieved it via independent efforts, means, and self-responsible awareness and acceptance of self. The life they have is "great" - who they are is "great" - that doesn't mean that every situation in theri life is hunky-dory - but they're happy, complete, secure, successful individuals with some situations that they don't particular like - but that they're working to resolve and put in line with their goals. IF you meet that person and they're fit and trim, an avid runner.....it is unliekly that if you get serious and cohabitate or marry - they'll be anything but fit and trim, healthy and a runner. Why - they prioritize and value it as independent individuals - and so it is of value to be that in their eyes, and a priority to remain that in their estimation, by their own definitions and efforts.

Or, you meet someone that is living in a propped up existence...hard to tell at first....they didn't define and achieve the lifestyle that they're living in - at the level financially, socially, and professionally that they are via their own efforts and sacrifices and requirements. they got in ths position via "assistance" - so in those situations it is difficult at first to tell what they prioritize. Lots of people prioritize having the freedom of transportation...but quite a few don't value the maintenance required in order to have their own transportation....you see the point.

So your girl didn't prioritize eating healthy and exercising regularly prior to you in her life. She's not going to now just because "you think she should". While I agree it is true that you'd like her to be more svelte and physically appealing...I suspect what is at a core level is something even you might not realize.

That you're curbing your activities and level of physical exercise in order to "spend time with her"...and you're wanting not to do that. You want a chick that goes camping and canoeing with you on the weekends...as well as for dinners, movies or romantic B&B's. You want a girlfriend that you could "train to run the marathon with" - because that's much deisred over joining a running club, meeting at a designated spot at 6am, and running wtih a bunch of strangers (that won't be strangers long in that you're all pursuing the same goal!)

While you're saying it is appearance....to some degree either now or you see its potential - you're saying her sedentary life is not appealing to you. That you're more active and vital, you'd rather be outdoors and playing b-ball......while it would be great to have a hottie girlfriend who went and watched you play and was the envy of your friends...you'd also like a girl to play 1-on-1 with on the driveway.

Having been a fatty all my life, now an athletic athlete at 41.....I've been around the circle on this and can speak from a myriad of perspectives.

This girl is saying ot you "no matter what you look like, I'd love you" - she would. Which is precisely reflecting her attitude about herslef and her life - she doesn't prioritize being fit, trim, or eating healthily because she's ging to love herself and her life whether she's fat or thin.

You're saying "I do love you for the person that you are. But in being overweight and not wanting to exercise and play - you're cramping my style. I'm conflicted...I want to be with you because you're such a great person, but you don't really live like I do or like what I do in terms of what I would think of as "me having a great time with my life partner" and so I'm compromising my activities to be with you - and I'm beginning to resent it."

You want to send her a message...see - stay fit and trim, healthy and active - and you'll enjoy life more. That is true from yoru perspective of life and what makes it great. But that is NOT true from her perspective - because if it were, she'd have been fit and trim, eating healthy and smart prior to and when she met you...it would have been her priority, and also her definition of a "great life" - which you two could have shared.

You don't share it......and unfortunately, the reality is you cannot convince someone who is overweight and out of shape that sweating, working hard, and being sore is "worth it". It's not to them, it never was...and if they do it for you as some point the effort, work, and sacrifice will be considered too excessive compared to what you offer to their lives...and they'll resent the devil out of you, at a minimum.

Acceptance is key to great relationships. So this might be a different way to review this.

Look at your lifestyle, your personal goals, your professional, and social and financial goals, etc. How many of those things does she share in terms of interests - not just participates because you do it, or attends becuase you're a participant. How much of it on her own would she be doing without your input and assistance and involvement? You'll know by reviewing ht elife she had prior to meeting you - which is what was in evidence when you two met...but were too infatuated with one another to see things anything but with rose-tinting.

If the bottom line is - you're doing a great deal of what interests, fascinates, and motivates you alone....or basically along because she watches but doesn't get involved without coercion and enticement or "a mood" - you'ore not with someone who you can be a partner with in life.

A life partner by default of cohabitation and comingling is ging to share the impact of life. Life partners share bills, sickensses, raises, or job loss along with the millions of other life-deals-you-a-bad-hand-occasionally situations. And if all you share is the duty, obligation, responsibility, and daily drudgery - and you're alone in pursuing your interests, goals, ideas, and desires in terms of personal empowerment, enlightenment, and improvement...you haven't got apartner. YOu could hire someone to clean and cook and pay the bills - leaving you much more able to pursue your goals and dreams with abandon and gusto and probably meet someone going where you're going by their own self-requirement along the way.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 6:26pm
Some people find "going to the gym" incredibly boring! Instead of telling her she needs to go to the gym, try inviting her to engage in activities that include being physical such as dancing, bowling, tennis or even just taking a walk. Don't mention her weight, just encourage her to do things that are FUN and calorie burning at the same time. Good luck! Iri
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:14pm

If it's not a priority for her, you can't count on it *becoming* a priority for her.