What is slowing things down???
Find a Conversation
What is slowing things down???
| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:23pm |
What does it mean when a guy says he wants to slow things down? This guy and I have been seeing each other for two blissful weeks. Things were amazing. Even though we meant to slow things down, we were so compatible intellectually and physically that we saw each other every day/night. He told me that he's dated enough girls(around 40) to know what he wants that he is an adult.
One week I didn't see him very often because I was really busy. When I came back, he seemed really distant so I asked him what was up. He said he wants to slow things down and get to know me. I asked him if he wants me to leave him alone. He said, "no! i don't want you to go away...i just want to slow things down." He has had a horrible relationship with his unstable, suspicious crazy ex which he called it an "unending nightmare." According to his friends, he tried very hard to make this relationship work for 6 years on and off. He was so in love with her. Since his break-up with her two years ago, he's been with 12 girls. He'll see them for a few days/weeks, then call it off. He sometimes jokes about how he is compatible with no one.
I do really think he does want a relationship, and he is sincere, but it has been working out for him. Then he met me. His best friend told me that he was so excited about me, constantly talking about how great I was, that after me, there won't be any more girls, that I might be the one. Now, it's been three weeks since he asked to slow things down, and things have been a bit weird. I don't even know if we are still working on something together or not! I think that he's not ready to let someone in his heart again. My heart is being torn apart everyday. We've been really distant since then. I don't want to call him because he might think i'm obsessing and freak out. I see him often at work or when we play sports together(in a same team), but i have disconnected my feelings for him that i don't feel great around him. I'm so hurt. What should I do? I want to just call it off. But other than the fact that emotionally he has things to sort out, I really think that we are so right for each other. He's the most gorgeous, sweetest(when we were happy), and fun guy I have ever been with. I'm not sure if I want to let this pass. I tell myself that I don't feel anything, and then i run into him and see his beautiful eyes, and killer smile, my heart just stops beating. It's frustrating!!
One week I didn't see him very often because I was really busy. When I came back, he seemed really distant so I asked him what was up. He said he wants to slow things down and get to know me. I asked him if he wants me to leave him alone. He said, "no! i don't want you to go away...i just want to slow things down." He has had a horrible relationship with his unstable, suspicious crazy ex which he called it an "unending nightmare." According to his friends, he tried very hard to make this relationship work for 6 years on and off. He was so in love with her. Since his break-up with her two years ago, he's been with 12 girls. He'll see them for a few days/weeks, then call it off. He sometimes jokes about how he is compatible with no one.
I do really think he does want a relationship, and he is sincere, but it has been working out for him. Then he met me. His best friend told me that he was so excited about me, constantly talking about how great I was, that after me, there won't be any more girls, that I might be the one. Now, it's been three weeks since he asked to slow things down, and things have been a bit weird. I don't even know if we are still working on something together or not! I think that he's not ready to let someone in his heart again. My heart is being torn apart everyday. We've been really distant since then. I don't want to call him because he might think i'm obsessing and freak out. I see him often at work or when we play sports together(in a same team), but i have disconnected my feelings for him that i don't feel great around him. I'm so hurt. What should I do? I want to just call it off. But other than the fact that emotionally he has things to sort out, I really think that we are so right for each other. He's the most gorgeous, sweetest(when we were happy), and fun guy I have ever been with. I'm not sure if I want to let this pass. I tell myself that I don't feel anything, and then i run into him and see his beautiful eyes, and killer smile, my heart just stops beating. It's frustrating!!

He is not taking you for granted because you're sincere - he is taking you for granted because he is done with the whirlwind phase and does not see you as compatible for a long term relationship. Realize that your feelings are based more on your neediness than on any positive attributes this man had. If you had higher self esteem you never would have been attracted to him or fallen for a stranger's flattery.
You said it’s been a few weeks since you guys talked about your relationship…has he called you since then? Has he hung out w/ you? Do you guys talk at work, or does he seem uninterested? Maybe what he meant by “slowing things down” was to not see each other as much as you initially did, but that doesn’t mean you guys can’t hang out at all.
I would do a test run and CASUALLY ask him to a movie or lunch or something. If he says no then he’s obviously not interested in being anything more then a friend (if even that). He only time you will seem like you’re obsessing about things is if you ask him about it. Try to control your words and actions and just observe his. If he says YES, then that will be a good start in establishing a friendship w/ him and see where things go from there---slowly! It’s not too late to put your guard back up.
Keep us posted. Good luck! =)
Yes, we've hung out since our agreement. I let him know that I don't mind being friends if that's all we can be. I told him that he made the mature choice.
We play in the same softball team. I asked him to a dinner and a movie, he said yes. He sounded excited on the phone, he said he didn't make any plans that night because I knew he was hanging out with me. But i thought it went terribly. He made no physical contact. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I was aloof. I asked him if I had been acting strangely. He said no, he just assumed that I was really busy and tired(partially true). I said, I don't know if I can do this anymore, and he said if this is making me so unhappy, maybe we can be friends. We are not communicating well, I guess.
Four days ago, he called me early in the morning and asked me to see him later that night after he has dinner with his parents and visiting French friends. I reluctantly agreed; I was surprised that he called. Well, he called at midnight and canceled. I guess he thinks i'm waiting for him. Ha! His excuse was that he was really tired, i believe him. He didn't sleep the night before because his foreign friends are visiting him, and he had a soccer game and a softball game the next day. Two days ago, I ran him to him accidently, and he asked me to go see a movie with him. No sweetness, no physical contact again. He has his guard up. Such a restless soul! I think I made him feel vulnerable. He's r eturning to his old ways. Shut everyone out. :(
When he makes no physical contact and behaves all tough, I'm thinking, this guy has no interest in me. I'm confused.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to let things flow for him, on his terms. Pushing will certainly drive him away; worrying about it will make you crazy. If he wants to hang out, fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too! You've got a life, no sense in wasting energy helping him sort through his issues!!!
True, it does appear as though he's got a lot of potential. But potential without action is nothing. For your own sanity, maybe (although I'm no expert, you'll probably want a second opinion) you should let him know that you're a bit confused by his behavior. While you have enjoyed his company thus far, and want to get to know him better, sometimes he seems like he doesn't know what he wants etc. That way, if things don't work out, at least you know it wasn't because he was unsure of where you stood, but rather that he just needed to get his head straight.
In the meantime, HAVE FUN!!!!