What is slowing things down???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
What is slowing things down???
6
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:23pm
What does it mean when a guy says he wants to slow things down? This guy and I have been seeing each other for two blissful weeks. Things were amazing. Even though we meant to slow things down, we were so compatible intellectually and physically that we saw each other every day/night. He told me that he's dated enough girls(around 40) to know what he wants that he is an adult.

One week I didn't see him very often because I was really busy. When I came back, he seemed really distant so I asked him what was up. He said he wants to slow things down and get to know me. I asked him if he wants me to leave him alone. He said, "no! i don't want you to go away...i just want to slow things down." He has had a horrible relationship with his unstable, suspicious crazy ex which he called it an "unending nightmare." According to his friends, he tried very hard to make this relationship work for 6 years on and off. He was so in love with her. Since his break-up with her two years ago, he's been with 12 girls. He'll see them for a few days/weeks, then call it off. He sometimes jokes about how he is compatible with no one.

I do really think he does want a relationship, and he is sincere, but it has been working out for him. Then he met me. His best friend told me that he was so excited about me, constantly talking about how great I was, that after me, there won't be any more girls, that I might be the one. Now, it's been three weeks since he asked to slow things down, and things have been a bit weird. I don't even know if we are still working on something together or not! I think that he's not ready to let someone in his heart again. My heart is being torn apart everyday. We've been really distant since then. I don't want to call him because he might think i'm obsessing and freak out. I see him often at work or when we play sports together(in a same team), but i have disconnected my feelings for him that i don't feel great around him. I'm so hurt. What should I do? I want to just call it off. But other than the fact that emotionally he has things to sort out, I really think that we are so right for each other. He's the most gorgeous, sweetest(when we were happy), and fun guy I have ever been with. I'm not sure if I want to let this pass. I tell myself that I don't feel anything, and then i run into him and see his beautiful eyes, and killer smile, my heart just stops beating. It's frustrating!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:37pm
It sounds like you're infatuated mostly and that you prioritized the whirlwind/moving too fast for the rush of it rather than taking things at a reasonable pace. The ball is in his court- give him all the space he wants and then some.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:15pm
yes, precisely, the ball is in his court. that bothers me because normally the ball is in my court. i didn't guard my heart because he made me feel safe. he told me that he wants to be with me and no one else in the beginning. that's why i foolishly let my guard down. i feel silly now. and sadly, i seem to be infatuated with him. how do i stop? i can reason myself out of anything, but this one is a toughie. i can't concentrate. am i crazy? i guess i don't know what slowing down means because i'm still in my twenties. maybe he's taking me for granted because he knows i'm sincere. he said there are no girls who are intelligent, beautiful, kind, and sane at the same time. he said i'm all of first three things, but he doesn't know whether i'm sane or not. hehe. i guess we already anwered that. :) thanks for your reply though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:31pm
Deciding to go with a whirlwind based on what a near stranger says to you - when it is not backed up by consistent actions over a reasonable period of time - like - a few to several months - doesn't make a lot of sense to me - does it to you? any man who would make such a sweeping statement about all women - how negative and cynical! - would raise many red flags to me.

He is not taking you for granted because you're sincere - he is taking you for granted because he is done with the whirlwind phase and does not see you as compatible for a long term relationship. Realize that your feelings are based more on your neediness than on any positive attributes this man had. If you had higher self esteem you never would have been attracted to him or fallen for a stranger's flattery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:14pm
You guys have only been seeing each other for a few weeks, so I think it’s too soon for you to jump to any conclusions about what he want/doesn’t want from you. I think it was a good sign that he wanted to take things slow with you, rather then feed you promises and not be able to deliver. He told you he wants to slow things down and get to know you, so he’s obviously interested in getting to know you as a person, and wants to see if you can be a potential girlfriend.

You said it’s been a few weeks since you guys talked about your relationship…has he called you since then? Has he hung out w/ you? Do you guys talk at work, or does he seem uninterested? Maybe what he meant by “slowing things down” was to not see each other as much as you initially did, but that doesn’t mean you guys can’t hang out at all.

I would do a test run and CASUALLY ask him to a movie or lunch or something. If he says no then he’s obviously not interested in being anything more then a friend (if even that). He only time you will seem like you’re obsessing about things is if you ask him about it. Try to control your words and actions and just observe his. If he says YES, then that will be a good start in establishing a friendship w/ him and see where things go from there---slowly! It’s not too late to put your guard back up.

Keep us posted. Good luck! =)


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:11am
Thank you so much for your reply. He's not a complete stranger. I work with him, play sports with him, and I know his best friends.

Yes, we've hung out since our agreement. I let him know that I don't mind being friends if that's all we can be. I told him that he made the mature choice.

We play in the same softball team. I asked him to a dinner and a movie, he said yes. He sounded excited on the phone, he said he didn't make any plans that night because I knew he was hanging out with me. But i thought it went terribly. He made no physical contact. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I was aloof. I asked him if I had been acting strangely. He said no, he just assumed that I was really busy and tired(partially true). I said, I don't know if I can do this anymore, and he said if this is making me so unhappy, maybe we can be friends. We are not communicating well, I guess.

Four days ago, he called me early in the morning and asked me to see him later that night after he has dinner with his parents and visiting French friends. I reluctantly agreed; I was surprised that he called. Well, he called at midnight and canceled. I guess he thinks i'm waiting for him. Ha! His excuse was that he was really tired, i believe him. He didn't sleep the night before because his foreign friends are visiting him, and he had a soccer game and a softball game the next day. Two days ago, I ran him to him accidently, and he asked me to go see a movie with him. No sweetness, no physical contact again. He has his guard up. Such a restless soul! I think I made him feel vulnerable. He's r eturning to his old ways. Shut everyone out. :(

When he makes no physical contact and behaves all tough, I'm thinking, this guy has no interest in me. I'm confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:06am
This guys sounds mucho confused. It seems he's still dealing with a ton of issues from his previous relationship.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to let things flow for him, on his terms. Pushing will certainly drive him away; worrying about it will make you crazy. If he wants to hang out, fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too! You've got a life, no sense in wasting energy helping him sort through his issues!!!

True, it does appear as though he's got a lot of potential. But potential without action is nothing. For your own sanity, maybe (although I'm no expert, you'll probably want a second opinion) you should let him know that you're a bit confused by his behavior. While you have enjoyed his company thus far, and want to get to know him better, sometimes he seems like he doesn't know what he wants etc. That way, if things don't work out, at least you know it wasn't because he was unsure of where you stood, but rather that he just needed to get his head straight.

In the meantime, HAVE FUN!!!!