So Troubled

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
So Troubled
6
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:52am
I think I am writing on here to make sure that I'm not the only one like this. I'm 25 SWF, atractive, in shape etc. My problem is that I always complained about being alone and now I am starting to realize that I have been the one to cause problems in relationships and puush guys away. I know that I get bored VERY easily with everything in my life. So, I don't know if I just get bored easily with every guy that I meet. I have friends that I have known for years, so it's not a social problem. I don't want to be singlle but I am doing things without realizing for so long that I am the one keeping myself single. Is this normal? Does anyone think this is a problem or its because I have been meeting many boring guys? Is it possible that every single guy I have met is boring? I don't know if that's possible and that's why I think this may be a problem with myself. But I can't get to the root of it..I don't know why I do it, so how can I change??? But even if you don't have advice for me at least tell me your the same so maybe that will make me feel better!

I met a nice guy, no he doesn't excite me but i see no reason not to see him again so I guess I should try to make something work. But none of it ever feels right! This is so frustrating!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: isabelnyc24
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:39am
Hmm. Do you push guys away OR get bored - or both? Those tend to be two separate issues, generally. If you are getting bored, that might mean that you're dating the wrong kinds of guys and should look for different ways of meeting people. If you are pushing away guys who you like, that's likely an intimacy issue. Which do you think it is?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
In reply to: isabelnyc24
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:16am
Maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you just set really high standards for yourself...which is okay...but don't set the bar so high no one can jump over it. Where are you meeting these guys? On a college campus? At work? When you say you get bored, do you mean that these guys are no longer intellectually stimulating to you after a while? Actually, if you keep dating boring guys, maybe you set the bar too LOW. Who knows.

I do know that I dated a guy for about two weeks who talked about nothing but himself whenever we hung out. And that got really boring, really fast.

My advice to you is this: If it doesn't feel right, PLEEZE don't force it! Trying really hard to "make something work" just because you're lonely is settling, love. Don't ever settle.

Also, it's good to be a little picky. I guess just try not to be TOO picky...there is no such thing as the perfect man. The good ones can come close, but they still manage to wear underwear with holes in them.

Date men who make you feel excited, beautiful, valuable, and HAPPY! Good luck...go with your gut. Take care.

-Goose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: isabelnyc24
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:37am
Well, you've taken the first step toward correcting your relationship problems by recognizing that YOU are the problem. Now, you must decide to do something about it. Think about what you want in a partner. I don't think it's possible that EVERY man you date is "boring." It's probably that you have unrealistic expectations about what a guy should do for you. You are not perfect and neither will your dates be perfect. Don't expect them to possess or provide something that YOU are missing.

If you're choosing to date men who don't even come close to matching your preferences or standards, then obviously you will continue to be dissatisfied. Don't bother accepting dates with men who don't interest you or when you already know there's no chemistry. It's cruel and unproductive to start going out with some poor guy who doesn't excite you, only to dump him later.

Here's another possibility: you might be exhibiting behavior that I have seen among men -- you reject men before they can reject you, because deep down, you don't believe YOU are good enough for them. There's no way I can say with certainty that that's true, but it's worth exploring, perhaps with a therapist.

Finally, just relax and enjoy the company of people you are with. Select your dates carefully, but don't expect them to be Supermen. Good luck.

Avatar for alicea825
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
In reply to: isabelnyc24
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:44am
I agree with Jilly.

I, too, am like you, 25, SWF, in shape, attractive, successful, etc...but am still single after having 3 very serious long term relationships. One thing my dad said to me was, what do all these guys have in common? Thinking to myself, what was wrong with them? No, the answer is...ME.

These guys were all extremely different from eachother, but what they had in common was me. I bought the book Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil (I was in my relationship at the time) and the first chapter focuses on taking a long hard look in the mirror. It's quite eye opening.

Think about it...what do all these "boring" men have in common? YOU!

I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but once you do, you can fix the problem and find someone who's more compatible with you and isn't so "boring".

Good luck and take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: isabelnyc24
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:22pm
First of all, Thank you for responding!!

Too answer some of your questions.....I think I really am just bored with these guys and that's why I push them away. There have been certain times where I was with someone that I wasn't sure if they just wanted "one" thing from me, so I rejected them just to see if they would give alittle fight or some kind of reassurance. And I do this because I have been played before. A guy has told me that he sees us together etc. and gets what he wants and walks away. I mostly meet guys through friends or just being out in a lounge or bar. I think I get bored because I grew up in NYC and I have done alot of things alot sooner than most people. When I meet someone who is doing things I already did and don't want to do, that is a huge factor. It's very hard to find a native NYer in this city.

I will say that I am not picky about looks or how a guy is doing financially. Personality is key for me. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations or at least I hope I dont. Is it too much to want to be with someone who has already "been there, done that" and wants to go further??

I still don't know what my problem really is. I hope that I'm not boring and that's why I am attracting these guys! Maybe I should specify what I even mean by boring...Someone who is content with routine. Someone who like doing the same thing all week (which i know sometimes we have to) but also the same thing every weekend. I know some people are very happy with knowing that they are going to the movies every friday and out to a lounge every saturday, but I can't. That drives me nuts. I also think that I try to make it work with guys I'm not excited about because maybe my expectations are too high. Who knows!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: isabelnyc24
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:04am
I see two issues here. One is your expectations--you are expecting these guys to think like you, to not want to fall into a routine and to want excitement in their life. You cannot expect that to ever happen and if you keep wanting that to be different, you'll just get frustrated. The second issue I see is whether or not their behavior impacts you. If they want to do the same things over and over with you, then you can suggest new and different things. But again, don't expect them to change their routine when they're not with you.

It really sounds to me like you're looking for someone like yourself, who is fun, outgoing and enjoys life in the way you do. But if you're looking for that, then you're going to miss out on the magic that other people have to offer.

Suggestion--try looking for the positives in the guys you date. Try looking for the things that are exciting in them, rather than the things that aren't.

Hope this helps...