Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Is this normal?
15
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:59am
I'm involved in a healthy relationship that brings so much joy to my life. My boyfriend and I have discussed engagement for the near future. There is only one thing that clouds our relationship. It just so happens to be something that he doesn't know I'm aware of.

I recently discovered that my boyfriend has a porn stash. Funny thing is, we go to church each week and he doesn't fit the typical picture of a person who is addicted to porn. Since finding the stash, I have revisited it to see if there has been any movement or additions. There have been.

I have tried to look past this issue, although, I just can't seem to get it completely out of my mind. How would I bring up such an issue with him? Is it "normal" for a guy to watch porn? Should I be concerned?

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:36pm
It's really pretty normal in moderation. Heck, I like it too and I'm female! If your relationship is good mental and physical don't sweat it. Just because you go to church doesn't have anything to do with porn. I saw my minister in our local sex toy shop buying some things for he and his wife! If your relationship is really that good..talk to him. Tell him you found it and that it bothers you a bit...just don't be accusing. That way he'll know..he may not quit and shouldn't have to if it's not an addiction. It's a healthy release really.

I'm saying this assuming what you found is adult porn. If it has anything related to under 18...then disregard the above and if it were me, I'd get out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:40pm
It's not "abnormal" by any means, nor is it universal. Guys are naturally attracted to pornographic sex to varying degrees. Sorry about that. That doesn't mean it's OK. (Girls' porn a matter I won't go into here; it's a lot softer, like romance novels or even movie stars and others as fantasy lovers.) It's obviously eating at you, there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing is going to change unless something prompts a change. So I would bring it up with him. That said, it's not going to be easy for him to give it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:53pm
I don't think you should expect him to give up his interest in porn, unless he is viewing porn obsessively. Then it would be like any other addiction. If he is addicted, he has to realize that it's a problem for him. In that case, you could tell him you know about the porn and suggest that he needs help with this habit. But just having an interest in porn is VERY different from being addicted to porn -- which means he collects and views porn to the point of spending too much money and neglecting other responsibilities.

It doesn't sound like he's into porn to that extreme. So it's probably just a personal preference for him. If it bothers you, you have to decide if you want to stay with a man who has an interest that goes against your morals or tastes.

I'm a woman and I don't mind watching the occasional sex flick. But I don't have a "stash." That's a guy thing, and it really is quite common among men.

You could let him know you have a personal problem with porn, and at the most, ask that he not watch porn around you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:39pm
Yeah it is normal. All my ex's had porn stashes, it really has nothing to do with your relationship with him. Women get stimulated emotionally and through conversation rather than visually. Men get stimulated more visually and physically. Sometimes it's really hard to understand but men and women are just different in that aspect. If you ask him about it he might just shrug his shoulders and say i don't know why i do it ( that was the answer I got all the time). He isn't doing it to hurt you or make you jealous (as I saw it at first) He's doing it because it's in his nature it's instinctive. He still cares for you like he always has. As for the church thing that is between him and god...I dono how to answer that one

Hope that answers part of your question.

Mandi :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:39pm
Thank you all for your advice. I have never had a boyfriend who owned his own porn, and I'm relieved to know that it isn't unordinary!

I guess what bothers me the most about it is that it is definitely something that he is hiding from me. We communicate very openly about everything, and the porn issue feels like this dirty secret he is keeping from me. I found his porn stash by snooping, so it's not easy for me to bring this issue up without it causing an ordeal.

To be quite honest, I don't want my future husband to have porn in the house. I would be open to watching it with him on occasion, but I just don't feel comfortable knowing that he is looking at/watching porn when I'm not around (or when I'm around). It angers me when I revisit the porn stash only to discover that he has 3 new porn magazines or a new DVD. It really disgusts me!

For those of you that have experienced this before, how did you convince yourselves to simply deal with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:15am
>>I have never had a boyfriend who owned his own porn,

Correction: "I have never had a boyfriend porn."

Big difference.

:P

>>I guess what bothers me the most about it

>>is that it is definitely something that he

>>is hiding from me. We communicate very openly

>>about everything, and the porn issue feels

>>like this dirty secret he is keeping from me.

And most women who own vibrators, dildos, etc. don't leave them out in the open - they generally hide them too.

IMHO porn-viewing and masturbation are almost in the same category -- if you don't tell your BF when you masturbate, he isn't going to tell you when he looks at porn.

It's simply a societal taboo - just as you probably don't tell your neighbors when & where you've gotten drunk before -- because it's none of their business & doesn't concern them -- your BF isn't really under any obligation to tell you about his porn-viewing habits -- because quite honestly it doesn't actually involve you (as long as you have a healthy & happy relationship).

Watching porn is effectively a visual manifestation of his sexual fantasies -- and as long as he's not trying to act out those fantasies with other women (i.e. cheating on you) -- it shouldn't really concern you.

It kind of reminds me of a commercial I saw a long time ago -- a woman is dreaming about being on the beach, with a 'stud', sipping martini's. Then, her daydream is interrupted by her goofy husband and her 2+ kids.

Now, the question is, do you think that woman is emotionally cheating on her husband, or do you think it's just a harmless fantasy?

If you think it's a harmless fantasy, do you think those who are 'fantasy-impaired' should be punished for wanting to see it in a magazine or in a movie?

>>I just don't feel comfortable knowing that he is

>>looking at/watching porn when I'm not around

>>(or when I'm around).

Just curious, but do you think it's OK for you to masturbate when he's not around? Does he own your sexuality, and likewise do you own his?

Suppose you owned a vibrator -- and then your BF snooped & found it. Do you think he would have the right to be angry at you? Do you think he'd have the right to tell you when and under what circumstances you can use it?

And if so, how far does that 'ownership' reach? If suddenly he thought that romance novels or soap-opera's were "too much", would he have the right to tell you that you couldn't see them anymore?

And don't just blow off those questions - answer them honestly; You don't need to tell anyone what you think about them, but you should definitely answer them, at least in your own mind.

>>For those of you that have experienced this before,

>>how did you convince yourselves to simply deal with it?

You might start by realizing that you don't own his sexuality -- just as you can't tell him "how to think" on say, abortion, politics, the enviroment, etc.

And just like those issues, it's OK to disagree with him on it, and perhaps it's a relationship deal-breaker for you -- just as it might be with someone that's vehemently against your views on say, abortion -- but you tread on dangerous ground when you tell him how to act/think/etc, because what you're really doing is being controlling for the sake of your insecurities. And if that's the case, would it be OK for your BF to say, tell you which guy friends you can hang out with -- in response to his insecurities?

Certainly something to consider.

You might also realize that it has *nothing* to do with what you're doing, or not doing -- it's like hunger, thirst, or sleep -- it ebbs & flows, regardless of who you're with. It's a hard concept for most women to grasp, but that's the way it is.

I realize I've asked more questions than what I've explained, but I think if you honestly answer the questions I've posed to you (whether for the forum to see or not), you should be able to connect them to the issues at hand that you're facing now, and the implications of your reaction & response to his porn viewing.

Just my $.02

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:58am
whoa...

The elements that catch my attention here:

1. his use of porn is a secret he puts a certain amount of energy into hiding - from YOU

2. AND the church-going exterior

3. AND the two of you are talking marriage and (see #1)

Not to be melodramatic here, but when this stuff goes bad, it's WAY bad.

If, and I say IF there is a sexual "thing" here, it could be really horrible.

As for advice... that's tough. Here's my best guess:

Ask him about his views on porn. Ask if he uses it.

When you get his answer to that question well, take it from there.

I'm not going to get on a soapbox about the issue here, because this is just not the place, but I suggest you go to your favorite search engine(like google) and do a search on the words "sexual abuse trauma and pornography". Find a couple of sites that look reputable, and read up on the subject. Warning - what you read may be really scary.

But then again he may be a perfectly normal guy who will hide things, like his porn, from you.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:07am
In my experience, it is "normal" for guys to watch/view porn. Even the ones who don't have a stash at home are rarely opposed to taking a gander at someone else's. What's not normal is an addiction. An addiction is not made by the quantity, but by the frequency he chooses to view it. My personal belief is that there is no harm in the occasional look. When a look escalates to an addiction, you have a problem.

It also depends on the type of pornography. If it's just your generic Playboy or dvd about nurses, then it's probably no big deal. However, if he's into bestality or S/M stuff that seriously degrades women and devalues monogomous relationships, you may have cause to be concerned. Pornography is an extension of fanstasy play. The rule of thumb is that if he's watching porn that features situations of fantasy that you are not offended by, then it's probably ok.

I would suggest that you open a casual conversation about turn ons and introduce the subject of pornography that way. Let us know how this turns out.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:53am
Poster #7 raises some interesting questions about some disturbing aspects of life. Let me give you a different perspective, even though this is the second time I've answered here. While use of porn (and all of the things #7 raises) are common activities, they are far from universal. Most men in a given year don't buy porn. (Most people aren't into sex toys if that bothers you.)

A lot of people engage in these behaviors and then cease them, for good or for a period of time.

If your boyfriend's porn usage really bothers you, and it seems to, I'd talk it over with him and explore it a good deal further.

You may decide that this behavior is unacceptable and he is not the guy for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:51pm
I have heard different views from the posts and from my personal friends. While porn is not a big deal to someone, it is a major concern to others. I realize that men are typically more visually stimulated than women, but should a woman really have to accept it as "normal?"

Post #7 compares a guy's porn stash to masterbation. Masterbation is a natural act that I have no problem with. I could care less that my boyfriend masterbates. But, the act of going to the sex novelty store to buy porn does bother me. I, personally, would never step foot in a porn store by myself! Something about that just seems extremely odd to me. But then again, maybe he buys it all online.

My boyfriend is rather frugile, and to think he is spending money on several magazines and flicks each month just doesn't seem in his character. I don't know why I am struggling with this issue so, but it really causes me to question if I know him as well as I think I do.

If I ask him if he watches/looks at porn and his answer is yes, I will express my views on the issue. BUT- what if he says no? Considering he hides it from me as it is (and I only know he has it because I snooped), I feel as though he may deny the porn. Judging from his character, I think admitting up to it will be extremely embarrassing. In addition, if he lies to me about it, I will be so very irritated. Any suggestions?

Thanks.

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