In need of some good advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
In need of some good advice..
6
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:06pm
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. He is 34 I am 23. We have been living together for the past 9 months. I love him with all my heart but I don't know what to do. Entering this relationship I decided to be completely honest about my past. I told how many men I have been with and that I did go through a reckless phase where all I wanted to do was have fun. It has been a few years since I used to party and do the things I used to do. I don't want that anymore.

When I first told him he flipped out, telling me that he couldn't believe how stupid I was to be such a slut and things along that line. Ever since, we go through these periods where everything is fine. We get along great and then I will run into an old friend. Even if it is someone that I have known for years and there was nothing sexual between us ( it can even be a stupid movie where some girl is having sex and he will start in on me) my boyfriend will flip out saying things like "is that one of the guys you used to f**k. Then he will go on these tangents about how he doesn't know if he wants to be with someone that was such a slut. That it makes him sick that I slept with so many men. He goes on and on until I feel like a complete pile of dirt that he keeps jumping on.

I get frustrated because I always thought that being with someone you love means that they love you unconditionaly and they don't break down your self asteem. I love him and I know he loves me, I just don't understand why he can be so cruel and then after I am sobbing crying and obviously hurt he can turn around and give me a hug and tell me he still loves me. I don't want to leave but I do at the same time. I really don't know what to do????

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:12pm
He calls you a stupid slut yet you "know he loves" you? Dont project. If you choose to reveal your past (and why you chose to reveal such details escapes me), and that man then uses the facts as a weapon against you, you need to review your definition of love if you think this man is so wonderful. Its called abuse...its emotional abuse but no less damaging than a fist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 12:44pm
If he feels that way about your past, that's his right, and anyway, there's nothing you can do about it. I would just accept that his knowledge has ruined the relationship for him, and therefore it is ruined for you. And move away from it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:12pm
Thank you so much for your advice! I have never been in a relationship where I even remotely had to deal with this kind of thing. WHen we first started dating I decided that I would start the relationship with honesty ( I was always taught that honesty and trust is what makes a relationship last) I guess I was wrong!!

Thank you again!

Nicki
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:26pm
First of all, I also agree with the points the previous posters pointed out to you. I think while it was nice of you to be honest with your boyfriend about your sexual history, he is using it against you. I think you also have to look at your situation from the prospective that your boyfriend is 34 yrs old (9 yrs your senior) who is dating a 23 yr. old young woman. The registers in his mind as an older man dating a younger woman - not an unsual combination, but in this "now time frame" he is probably thinking that he is ready to settle down and you are free-spirited 20-something who may not be ready to settle down. He is afraid that he may lose you to a 20-something man and that scares him, so he makes comments like calling you a slut and such. I think calling you a slut and other comments is extremely rude, degrading, and as one poster put it could be considered emotional abuse. You were honest about your history with men and admit maybe it was a little too much, but you have been there done that and there is nothing you can do about it, so he needs to get over it!

I am 30 and married to a man who is 11 yrs my senior. While we love each other very much, he does at times refers to that fact that he likes being married to a younger woman where him and his friends gloat about it. It is a very proud thing for a man to be dating or married to a younger woman and some take it to more extremes such as your boyfriend and go obsessive about it. Your boyfriend seems like he needs CONSTANT reassurance from you that you will be there for him always, but I tend to think it may be mroe of a hassle for you that will only break the bond between you two. If you really love him and want to make it work, then you have to sit him down and put your foot down, letting him know that what happened is in the past and that he should not hold it against you and if he can't than you need to move on without him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:05pm
I am not sure why you told him about your sexual past but I know it wasn't to be "honest" in the caring sense - being honest does not mean spilling your guts when you are pretty sure or sure it will unnecesarily hurt someone - figure out why you told him and tell him that you feel badly that you shared all that but that what is done is done and either he accepts it or not but he cannot treat you this way. Your self esteem is your responsibility of course but you can choose to tell someone you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect. I would suggest from now on if you are asked about your sexual past the only relevant details are when you were with your last partner and when you were last tested for STD's. Period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:42am
This doesn't sound like 'love' to me. Sounds like a nasty, jealous, insecure man who was given too much information. I think that it is probably his insecurity speaking, but given his nastiness (which says a lot about his character) I would most definitely move on and find somebody that won't judge you for things that you have done, but rather look at all the experiences that you have had as having made you the person that you are today.

Coolas