So Hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
So Hurt
8
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 3:00pm
So, I had been dating this guy (whom I loved) for a little over 4 years. We broke up last May - almost a year ago. From what others tell me, he never treated me right - never made me feel special, never did anything out of the ordinary for me, and just didn't communicate well. I remember myself often saying that I didn't think he even HAD feelings. He was crushed when we broke up and said that he wanted to remain friends - it was very important to him. So we have remained friends ... There isn't a doubt in my mind that he cheated on me while we were dating (although I have no proof) ... and there isn't a doubt in my mind that he continues to hook up with people now ... he's 26 and his top priority is still getting wasted and partying.

That's some background ... About a week ago, I found out that my 18 year old cousin's brain tumor had returned, this time with 'fingers'. After doing surgery, the doctors gave her 3-6 months to live. Needless to say, this has really upset me and I am quite bothered by it. This past weekend, I tried to go to my ex, whom I talk to almost every day, for comfort - his mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer last August and I helped him through that. When I called him to talk on Saturday, he said he had no time - he was taking his boat out and that we could talk later. At about midnight, I saw that he still hadn't returned my call, so I called him - he was at the bar. I asked him why he hadn't called and he said he didn't have time - went to Taco Bell, then on his boat, then to dinner, then nap, then time to go out ... Does something seem wrong with this picture?

I called him the next day and woke him up, again trying to talk to him. He told me he wanted to go back to sleep - he was so mean and uncaring. I tried to explain to him that I needed him as a friend and needed his help and that I had always been there for him when he needed something - and that my cousin was dying. He said he wanted to go back to sleep and would call me when he woke up and that I had been stupid to piss him off by calling so much in the past 2 days. He never returned my call that day and still hasn't ...

I am so very hurt. First, I'm trying to deal with this whole thing with my cousin. Second, to have him, who is supposed to be a friend, turn his back on me like that ... stings so much. Maybe he met somebody over the weekend and has no need for me in his life anymore. I know that I should have no need for him ... especially based on how he has treated me ... but I can't seem to let go ... I still feel like I need him in my life. I haven't tried to contact him, but he hasn't contacted me either. Will he ever call again? Should I even care? I just can't believe that a human being could be so uncaring ...

Help!

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 3:03pm
Why is he, in your words, "supposed to be a friend"?? Because you want him to be one? He isnt one...
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 3:25pm
Sorry to hear about your cousin's tumor returning and short time to live. Be strong and make the best of it for her.

Now for your stupid ex - you basically pin pointed it on the head in your opening lines "From what others tell me, he never treated me right - never made me feel special, never did anything out of the ordinary for me, and just didn't communicate well."

He still is not treating you right, is not making you feel special, is not doing anything out of the ordinary for you in your time in need and is not communicating well. Forget this loser and move on. He obviously has more important things to do like go to Taco Bell, take his boat out and sleep. Personally I hope his boat SINKS!

Unfortunately some people don't care about anyone other than themselves and he is apparently one of them and you should not care anymore! Don't let his piece of scum pull you down in the dumps, hold your head up high and toss this piece of garbage!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:46pm
Can somebody please offer me some advice ... I am really hurting right now!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:59pm
This is NOT going to be what you want to hear, but my opinion is that you need to hear it.

You stated that this guy's communication and emotional depth were seriously lacking, yet you went to him for comfort and support? Seriously sit back, take a deep breath and give yourself some rational and logical thoughts---he's not going to change just because you expect him to in your time of need. And he's by no means obligated to treat you as you treated him, regardless of how much we'd all like that to happen. You're projecting a serious load of your expectation on someone who didn't live up to them in the past, so more than likely won't in the present.

My advice...seek out friends and family you KNOW you can count on to be supportive and understanding and quit wasting your time on those who have proven that they can't and wont. If that doesn't work, seek counseling from a professional or your clergy (if that fits for you).

True friendships, much like relationships, are based on a shared set of values, standards and goals~from what you've said, it sounds like you two never did share those things.

I'm very sorry to hear about your cousin and I wish there was something more to say that would be more supportive.

Michelle

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:02pm
Hon, you ARE getting advice, but you obviously DON'T like what your reading. The best advice that any of us could give you, your own friends already give to you. YOU CAN DO MUCH BETTER! He treated you bad, he is treating you bad now "as friends", and he will always treat you bad. No one here can give you advice to make him treat you well someday. It can't be done.

Stop calling and wanting him. Leave him alone. He obviously wants nothing to do with you, but you're not getting it. He wants "to be friends" BUT when it is good for him. He is not sincere; how could he treat you so crummy in your time of need, and why do you want to continuously allow it? Start realizing that you are worth so much more than this jerk is giving you.

On another note- I am very very sorry about your family situation. Hope everything gets better for you.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:15pm
What advice is NOT being offered to you? He wasnt a friend to you...so...go to people who ARE your friends. This is a tough time for you....be with people who love and care for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:16pm
Hi there,

First, sorry about your cousin. Sometimes, life sucks and there's never an explanation for things like this, but the best a person can do is hope and rely on a greater stength.

Now, this "friend" of yours is certainly no friend at all. Friends reach out and let you speak your mind and heart without judgement and without looking at their watch. There's a phrase that goes "with friends like these, who needs enemies?" Such "friends" can be users, losers, narcissists, selfish, and the list goes on.

In your case, I suggest taking a deep breath, erasing this person off your friend list and moving on. I know this sounds hard, but in time, it will get better and you'll look back with relief. Talk to your other friends, draw on the strenght of family and/or relatives, speak with a pastor, teacher, whoever can give you guidance during this time. You are grieving and you need to talk about your feelings.

Another suggestion is to get out there and volunteer your time somewhere, hit the gym, go rock climbing, start a journal...You are a valuable human being and deserve good people in your life and when others see you busy and having fun, they will naturally flock to you. Plus, you'll be attracting good people, those who reach out and let you speak your mind and heart without judgement and without looking at their watch.

Good luck to you!

Gigi

Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:34pm
I also agree with Poster 6, You are getting advice. If you want us to sugar coat it we can, but it won't help you, just make things worse.