Shy? Uninterested? What Do I Do? Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Shy? Uninterested? What Do I Do? Help!!!
3
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:57pm
I am a single college student and have never had a boyfriend. I've always been the best friend, the "little sister," and the supportive, asexual friend of other girls. I've also never really cared about boyfriends and relationships. While I've always wanted "someone," I've never been confident enough, or interested enough, to act. Now that I have spent much time on my own, meeting people and living my life, I feel I'm ready to actually get involved in the "dating scene." Here is the problem however. Generally, I become interested in friends of mine (males) who I am very close to. I have never really developed any attraction to anyone who I was not already close to. Until now.

The subject of interest is a fellow ("Ben") in one of my classes. I have spoken to him several times about the class we share and the professor. We never have introduced ourselves to each other, however (though I have learned his name). When we have talked it has always been when we were alone either in the hallway before or after class or waiting in the classroom for others to arrive. When others have shown up, he has clammed up. He will say "hello" to me if we are alone, and I have managed to get actual conversation out of him several times, but when others come he immediately gets quiet. I have tried to draw him into conversations that I have with the others, especially if it is something I have spoken to him about or I think he would be interested in, but he never takes the bait.

I am also unsure of our "flirting." I have never actively flirted on purpose and have never noticed the flirting that (I've been told) is directed toward me. "Ben" and I both laugh at the same jokes, and most times we share "looks" while laughing. He will look right at me and I will look back and smile. He usually looks away after a second or two, or I will look away. We also share these "looks" during the non-funny parts of class. Generally I will look at him, or he at me, and we will keep eye contact for a second or two before looking away or we will look away when the other one looks.

I have noticed him for a couple of months now and would like to "make a move," but am usure of how to go about this, or even if I should go about it. I have not had an opportunity to really converse with him in a couple of weeks, and the one time I tried, I was interrupted by a friend. "Ben" watched, as we walked down the hall, seeming to realize that I wanted to talk to him. He looked over at me several times as I tried to walk with him, waiting, it seemed, for me to talk to him. When we finally got away from the interruptor, I felt awkward talking to him as I did not know how to treat the interruption. I have not had the opportunity to talk to him since then, though I have done everything to try to "help" the opportunity arise.

I am unsure of where to go from here. My roommate said that I should go up to him and just say "hey, I like you, want to hang out some time?" but I would feel odd doing that. My mother said to find a topic (such as books, as he always is reading) to talk to him about and to then move that conversation into other things. The problem with that is that 1) I would feel slightly awkward letting him know that I notice so much about him and 2) we never have the opportunity for a conversation long enough for the "method" to work.

Please, if you have any advice or interpretations of the "signals," let me know. I am in desperate need of some "love advice."

Avatar for scoey168
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 11:52pm
While reading your message all I kept saying to myself was "Okay when did I write this!" Your situation is so much if not identical to mine. I've never been in a relationship, I'm always seen as the little sister, shoulder to cry on, good friend but not girlfriend. So it's just so unreal to read your message. I hate no one has replied to you, because as you can imagine I really wanted to hear the advise of others on this too. But from what you've written it just seems that he's overly shy. And I know it feels like pulling teeth right now, but just continue with the small talk. Maybe ask him if he'd like to study with you for an upcoming test. (But try to make it just you and him. Once I told a guy that a few of us from the class where getting together and if he'd like to come. I gave him an earlier time (about 15 min) then the rest, so we chatted a little before the others came. Just a suggestion:) So keep your head up, and let me know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 7:44pm
Hello singlenyer!


 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 7:46pm
Hello scoey!


Since her situation is much the same as yours and you did offer a suggestion that you had tried... how did that work out for you?