Just Friends??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Just Friends??
3
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:26pm
ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO, I HAD A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN 74 YRS OLD FOR SEVEN MONTHS. I'M 71. DURING THAT TIME HE SUGGESTED THAT HIS GOOD FRIEND VISIT US ONE EVENING WHILE WE WERE IN HER HOMETOWN ON TOUR. WHEN I MET HER (SHE'S ABOUT 45YRS OLD) I SENSED THERE WAS SOMETHING MORE GOING ON. LATER, AT HOME, I CAME ACROSS A LOVING POSTCARD SHE'D SENT HIM, AND JUST TOLD HIM THAT "IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK BETWEEN US" BUT DIDN'T MENTION HER. WE MADE UP AFTER ABOUT A WEEK. ALMOST EVERY EVENING THAT I WOULD VISIT HIM, SHE WOULD CALL. I FINALLY MENTIONED TO HIM THAT MUCH CALLING WAS BEYOND THE BOUNDARIES OF FRIENDSHIP. HE ASKED ME NOT TO MIND HER CALLS. HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT SHE VISITED HIM ONCE, MADE DINNER, BUT SLEPT UPSTAIRS. WE WERE ABOUT TO GO OUT ONE EVENING, SHE CALLED. HE REMAINED ON THE PHONE 15 MINUTES WITH HER NEVER MENTIONING THAT I WAS THERE AND WE WERE GOING OUT. WHEN HE HUNG UP, I JUST SAID I WASN'T HUNGRY ANYMORE AND WAS GOING HOME. HE HAS NOT CALLED ME SINCE. VIA EMAIL I SAID "BY YOUR ACTIONS, YOU'VE TOLD ME WHAT YOU THINK OF ME"..HE RESPONDED SAYING THAT HE AND SHE WERE GOOD FRIENDS AND HE AND I HAVE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES AS TO OUR FRIENDS AND WHAT CONSTITUES A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.I TOLD HIM THAT I BELIEVE THAT HE AND SHE HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP AT ONE TIME, AND FOR REASONS (PROBABLY MONEY) SHE WANTS TO MAINTAIN IT..HE DENIES THIS AND SAYS OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK.

ALTHOUGH, SHE'S YOUNGER, I'M MORE ATTRACTIVE, BETTER EDUCATED, AND NOT FINANCIALLY NEEDY AS SHE IS. IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ME NOW TO HAVE THE COURAGE OF MY CONVICTIONS..IS BILLY CRYSTAL'S CHARACTER RIGHT IN "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY"? COSIDA





iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: cosida
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:41pm

First of all... cosida, welcome to the board!!


Secondly, I applaud you, at the age of 71, for visiting us online here at iVillage. You are certainly welcome here and I hope that you find answers for your concerns.


Now, whether or not the woman is more than a friend to this man isn't really the issue... what is important is what he is to you and what you are to him. For a relationship to be succesful it is important to respect each other and to respect and honor each other's feelings. You have made your feelings known to this man and he has, more or less, dismissed them. He has told you fairly clearly (by his actions as well as his words) that he is content with his life and relationship(s) as they are and feels no need to change that.


You, on the other hand, have choices as well... you can choose to accept the facts as they are and remain as a friend (hoping that it will change, which it probably won't) or you can choose to close this chapter and begin a new one.


I realize that is sometimes difficult in later years but the reality of it all is that you would probably be happier being available to other opportunities than you would trying to make something work that just won't.


I hope this helps...


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: cosida
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:21pm
Dear Cosida,

Thank God you do have convictions as these are your values, your knowledge about what is right and wrong for you. Your convictions are directly related to what is acceptable (comfortable) for you and what is not acceptable (uncomfortable) for you. Live your truth, hold your ground and keep it light and polite. I admire someone who is 71 and still dating! That's great! Makes me feel there is definately still hope for me at 45. Thanks for sharing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
In reply to: cosida
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:01am
Hi TG: Thank you for your very sound advice. I agree, that he just doesn't care and can accept that and go on. However, why are you shocked that a person 71 yrs old is interested in Ivillage, and has dating problems? At any adult age, people have all kinds of emotional involvements for which they seek guidance. The attitude of not considering the emotional problems of seniors is common in our society. Although, I've written and suggest to Dr. Phil that he sometime address the emotional involvments of seniors, he has not responded. Thank you again your good advice..Best Wishes...Cosida